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6 Commments

  1. I have been married to a very angry man for 25 years. That anger has resulted in horrible verbal abuse to both myself and my kids. In the beginning, as Nina mention, I used harsh words back and it escalated things beyond scary, sometimes with him throwing things and damaging our house. Next I tried the gentle answer but when he was in a rage, that didn’t work wither. Removing myself and saying nothing has ended up being my best defense. Of course this results in nothing ever being resolved and certainly not an intimate, godly marriage. I am currently in a season where God has been speaking in volumes to me, Ex 14:14 and Gen 31:42. I have completely stepped back and am waiting on what God is going to do and I know He is going to do something big. I am meeting with my Pastor today to learn a Biblical principle (not yet sure what is as I thought I knew them all regarding marriage and divorce) that will help me through this time. I know with God all things are possible, but sometimes, to make that “possible” happen, we must step back and give it ALL to God. Blessings to all!

  2. Colleen: Have you read the books “The Respect Dare” and/or “Love and Respect” The principles DO work. They are not easy to apply, as most of us have well deveoped disrespectfull attitudes and behaviours, some of which we are not even aware of. Begin by applying just one principle such as “distancing yourself in quiet dignity” when there is a conflict, or looking to the Lord rather than to you husband for what you need. It does work – just is not easy to do. Keep on going with it. All the best. Mariajj

  3. I would also like to comment that women shouldn’t feel like it is their responsibility to calm down their husband. We need to focus on doing what is right and if he chooses to use anger, or get out of control, that is between him and God and not necessarily our fault and not our job to calm him down.

    1. I fully agree – we are not responsible for their sin in any way at all. Having said that, however, we can provide an atmosphere that helps our husband get calm, or arouses defensiveness and anger in others. Just like a “gentle answer turns away wrath” and a “harsh word stirs up anger,” we can have a positive influence on those around us by the way we communicate. 🙂 More on the “defensive nature” of men here: http://ninaroesner.com/why-respect-2/why-respect/

  4. These suggestions are good for men who love their wives and generally respect them. If your husband really has an anger problem, doesn’t have much respect for you, or is abusive(which many husbands fit in these categories, especially of the wives reading this blog), asking him to tell you more about how he feels in the moment is going to invite verbal abuse, put downs, false accusations, etc that are going to cut deep and cause lasting damage to you and the relationship. Many wives would need to just remove themselves and try to pick it up at a later time. Although, many men will not want to pick it up again later. Many of them simply do not want to have a rational conversation or don’t know how or don’t care enough to. I think I have seen ideas of how to try to talk to those who sweep things under the carpet, but it is difficult–some will still not respond well. It is hard for men to be vulnerable and to open up and talk about what is really behind the anger (not what they think it is, but what is really underneath).

    1. Agreed – and in those cases, perhaps God will bring about a Matthew 18 confrontation. These are difficult things, indeed. Thanks so much for your comment!

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