When He Does Something Really Bad…
This wife, who is dear to me, wrote to one of our ministry teams last week. She cried out the following:
Gail – HELP! In self-righteous anger, my husband just quit his job while we are in the end stages of getting approved for a home loan. He was sure another would jump to hire him immediately but just discovered that his ex-boss put a non-compete clause in the last contract he signed. I am very scared and struggling on how to show him support and respect. The only thing keeping me from geeking out on him is knowing that he is scared too, and probably doing plenty of his own mental kicking of himself. Please pray that he finds another job FAST and the mortgage people don’t find out. If another does hire him, it won’t be considered a job change and we won’t lose the house. Closing date is set for Jan 28.
Can you imagine this? Can you walk in her shoes for a moment? Just about to close on a house, and her husband gets angry and quits his job.
What would you do?
I love what she did.
First, she recognized that she needed help. And then she asked for it.
Chew on that, in and of itself, just for a moment.
How good at asking for help are you? I don’t know about you, but I have struggled with this – and God broke my sinful pride and has helped me grow. Dare you to let Him help you the same.
Second, she admitted that she was scared and struggling.
How real are you? Do you share when you are really scared and struggling? Or do you present the “I’m fine” persona? I’ve been there, too.
Then – and this is SUPER IMPORTANT – she saw things from his point of view – and IT KEPT HER from “geeking out” on him. Because she took a moment to SEE the way God does, He revealed His Truth to her.
Then she asked for prayer.
Here’s the rest of the dialogue – you’ll love how it turned out. You’ll also see how she wrestled, but obeyed, and Mercy prevailed. What should be apparent to you at the end of this is that she could have destroyed the intimate moment around the corner between her and her husband. This intimacy is what we are all striving for, what our hearts yearn for, to be that connected to the man we married – and we often destroy these moments by stepping front of God and controlling things with our husbands. Sometimes, God will have us confront his sin (notice this was NOT something her husband did repeatedly, either) – but we won’t know what is God’s best unless we are listening to Him. Daily. In the midst of the mess. At any rate, here it is:
Nina OHMYWORD. Praying. Stellar of you to be wise enough to see him kicking himself. I remember when a friend of mine’s husband invested in a scheme – she warned him, but he sunk $10K into it anyway, and sure enough, they lost every penny. She never once said, “I told you so,” nor did she ever bring it back up. When he fussed about the decision to her, she looked at him and said, “We all make mistakes. I forgive you.” She didn’t deny that what he did was not the right thing, but she trusted God to 1) teach her husband where she had had no influence, and 2) take care of them in the meantime. WE WILL PRAY.
Lisa Gail, let me say I’m sorry….I know you are hurting. Your sense of security and stability has been rocked. It feels very vulnerable. It is in God’s will to position us to help our husbands to go through a character growth spurt. He might be learning how to better manage his anger You’re right the temptation for you is to geek out on him Rant, rave, and blow up in his face will just send him in the wrong direction. Best to trust the Lord as your provider, stay quiet and let natural consequences be the teacher. Like in football, if a player does something stupid the whole team suffers for it. But loyalty, forgiveness and remaining a friend (come what may) will pay off. Prepare your heart to prioritize. The relationship takes priority over the house loan and job status. Channel your prayers, anger, fear, concerns into a journal as God works on your heart in the midst of the trial too. Let your hubby know you are praying/fasting for him. Help him make copies of his resume affirming him he has overcome many things before…”we will get through this together too” – You trust him to work this out for the better of the family.
Gail Thank you! This was exactly what I needed. I will keep reading and re-reading these posts in the days to come.
Nina We were just reading through 1 Peter 2 and 3. The phrase, “in the same way” at the beginning of 3 rocked our world – we are called to trouble, but I fully agree with everything Lisa said. And for what it is worth – you are not alone.
Gail – oh Man! I SO need to keep praying. There is such a big part of me wanting to point out to him how awesome it is of me that I am NOT screaming at him and saying I told you so… Get back Satan!! This isn’t about me. But if only you ladies knew just how UNLIKE me this is. There is a reason I have the nickname DragonLady. Is there some other way I can get this frustration and fear out if I can’t share it with the one who caused it?
Lisa – Don’t forget to get some hard exercise with heavy breathing in… if you need to obliterate a target dragon lady, head to the rifle range or get your good throwing knives and tear up a deck of cards on a tree stump! Speaking from experience …God understands anger…it needs to be tempered and used in God honoring ways. I’ve always been impressed with how the Mothers of Drunk Drivers MADD channeled their anger. Same with SADD. I’m heading out to yoga..gotta go!
Nina – It’s why I run. And I ask Him for more of Him and less of me, and He fills me with His peace – praying for His vision, that we can see others the way He sees them… and knowing that this is not our home… this place, these people, even us – we’re constrained by this arena called, “earth,” for the time being, but the environment degrades my body (which isn’t the one I’ll have in heaven) and the culture degrades my thinking and does these things to others. It’s like being a stranger in a strange land. For a long time. We can have moments and even a life where we are IN but not OF – experiencing His presence regardless of the circumstances, thus being His light to the world. I can’t remember what verse it is, but somewhere in Acts, Stephen sees heaven open up. THAT is our home. THAT’s where we ARE as we should be and SEE and HEAR His truth clearly. LOVE YOU BABY. Don’t waste this opportunity to walk this leg of the journey well. Keep us posted. PRAYING.
Nina – How are you doing, G?
Gail – God is good and your prayers all helped. I was able to keep calm and supportive when I got home from work that night. After dinner, my husband tearfully apologized for making such a reckless decision and told me how scared he was that he was going to lose the house he “wanted to give me” so badly. We hugged and held on to each other. I assured him that whatever God’s plan was I would be there for him and that I didn’t care where we lived as long as we were together. The next morning another employer called him to fill in and hired him permanently after seeing what a good worker he is. Today we are floating on air singing praises to God. I feel like I passed a really hard test.
She did pass a test. We have opportunities like this all the time – will we respond in His Great Love? Or will we sin by judging and condemning our neighbor?
So glad to share this with you today! Even more thrilled you are on the journey with us!
If you are interested in walking along others like the above, come do The Respect Dare e-course with us. Registration is open until January 25th. It officially starts January 28th. All of your tuition goes to our ministry, by the way. And we all volunteer our time. Anyway, if you want to join us, here’s the link – go to the ecourse tab: http://www.TheRespectDare.com . Also this week, through WEDNESDAY, Women of Faith is doing a giveaway of The Respect Dare. You can get access to it here. Please feel free to share with friends!
At any rate, DARE YOU to leave a comment and/or subscribe to the blog – what struck you about this situation above? Have you struggled and cried out for help? Why do you think we have issues with that??
Love to you,
My situation is complicated by mental illness.
I don’t want to violate my husband’s privacy, and so I won’t go into details as to what has happened in the past. I admit that I questioned my staying married to him due to the severity of the problems.
The difference with this is that there really is no one to turn to when your family is dealing with such a thing. It is difficult to even explain, much less for others to understand the problems that come with psychiatric issues, especially in marriage. (I even sought help from a priest, who told me that I might be better off divorcing him. Some help, huh?)
Needless to say, at that particular time I felt very alone. I prayed and called out to God, desperate for understanding and guidance. When I went to visit my husband at the hospital, I felt a clear guidance, something that I haven’t ever felt before. I felt that I was to love my husband unconditionally, no matter his current state of mind or ability to return my love. I embraced him at that moment and saw him relax into my arms.
I try to keep that moment in mind when troubles come. I still experience very weak moments, but we’re still together, and I do love him. I suppose that God understands, even if people don’t.
Krista – I asked my husband if he minded if I reached out to you. He suffers from PTSD and a resulting depression. I feel your pain! He hid this issue from me when we first met -perhaps because he didn’t realize just how much it affected him. Our relationship was so tumultuous that we broke up a good dozen times before God finally spoke to me. It doesn’t happen often that He speaks so clearly, but in a moment of desperate prayer, I was suddenly filled with a vision of my husband in a hospital bed and KNEW that I was supposed to nurse him through an illness.
At the time, I thought my husband was going to get cancer (his younger sister was battling it just then) and that our time together would be short. I figured I could put up with this man that I did love knowing an end was in sight and asked him to marry me.
Good thing God is so much smarter than me! He knew to appeal to my nurturing side. We married and I discovered months later about the post traumatic stress from his service in the war. We got him on the proper meds and a transformation took place. He “evened out” and became more of the man that I had fallen for every day. We both fail each other often, but are now working together to strengthen our faith and our bonds to each other. Now -I dread my vision and hope it was simply God’s way of guiding me and not an actual premonition of times to come.
I loved hearing how your husband “relaxed into your arms”. My Marine does not often show his emotions and its moments like yours that I cling to as well. Your man NEEDS you, Krista. As tiring as that may be some times, know that God is pleased with you.
I spent many years lamenting why my life “sucked so much” before I finally figured out that it isn’t how people are to me, but who I am to other people. I now try to spend my days being a blessing to others instead of looking for blessings to come to me. Notice I said TRY -I fail more often than I care to admit.
You were given to your husband as a gift. Imagine who/what he would become without you and you will see more clearly why God gave YOU as His gift. Remember He loves your man too.
SHE CAN DEFINITELY BE THANKFUL THIS ONLY HAPPENED ONCE. I HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH THE SAME THING OF QUITTING JOBS JUST BECAUSE OF NOT LIKING SOMEONE OR LIKING THE PROCEDURES OR SOMETHING ELSE BOUT THE JOB. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THIS HAS HAPPENED MORE THAT 6 TIMES AND WE HAVE HAD TO LIVE WITH MY PARENTS CAUSE OF NO WHERE ELSE TO GO AND ALSO MY HUSBAND LOVES TO FEED OFF OF OTHERS AND HE WILL NOT GET HELP OR CHANGE. I WISH HE WOULD LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES BUT JUST KEEPS REPEATING THEM OVER AND OVER THINKING SOMEONE IS ALWAYS GOING TO HELP AND SOMEONE CAN LET US LIVE WITH THEM. IT IS VERY IRRITATING TO MY PARENTS THAT HE JUST WANTS TO WASTE MONEY AND THEN LIVE OFF FROM THEM. I KEEP PRAYING AND HOPING AND HAVE DEALT WITH THIS FOR SEVERAL YEARS. HE JUST CONTINUES TO TURN HIS BACK MORE ON GOD, AND IT IS NOT HELPING MY CHILDREN AT ALL.
Actually, this ISN’T the first time it happened to me. Did you see my earlier post? You just described my first husband. He has lost, been fired or quit every job he had. I guess this is the case for everyone, but for him that meant a dozen jobs in as many years. He never saw his own behavior as the reason -the employer was always to blame. He is now married to a new woman. The behavior continued and they had to move in with her parents. My ex just turned 50 yrs old!
We wives are not responsible for our husband’s behavior but we do have power to influence it. Most men WANT to be good husbands. With lots of prayer and God’s help, wives can often encourage their husbands on to a better path. Nina recommended a great book that also helped me, called Have a New Husband by Friday. It’s written by a man on how to influence (show respect to) men. After reading this book and The Respect Dare, I really began to wonder if I could have saved my first marriage by changing MY behavior.
After he re-married, I saw just how much influence I had had on him. While with me, he went to church and made our kids a priority. With his new once-Pagan wife, he no longer goes to church and has become so selfish that our kids suffer through visits when they have to. Even his parents tell me he was a better man with me. I wonder how much better if I had encouraged him. Instead of harping, nagging and showing my constant disappointment in him, if I had just been the wife God wanted me to be (despite the husband I had) if he would have matured. What if I got out God’s way and let HIM work on my ex’s heart….?
Anonymous – I know it’s not easy. How do you show respect to a man who deserves not to have any? You have a much harder path than the wife who hasn’t lost respect for her man. I am still in the early stages of learning how to be the wife my new husbands needs, but I would be happy to help you in any way I can. Nina will give you my email if you want to talk offline. Stay strong sister!
Oh how I hear you on this. We are in a similar place, and I am choosing to be a supportive and praying to be the Respectful wife I know God is teaching me to be. Praying for you. And thanking God for the blessing that is you all!
I am at a place where I believe 100% if I was the person I was before the Respect Dare I would have ruined my marriage. This time of 50% turmoil and 50% stability is not easy but is a growing time for us.
Julie – my first husband was (is) the same way – numerous job losses for various reasons. Knowing what I know now, I wonder how different his life may have been if I were a more respectful, supportive wife. I spent many years wishing my husband was more of a Christian leader type of guy and looking down on him for being such a disappointment. I never realized what MY role should have been and the powerful influence I could have been in helping to shape him into the leader I longed for.
This really spoke to me today. I am on my second marriage, and God has forgiven so much and has been so good, but this made me see so much that I did wrong in my first marriage. We were together 13 years, and he had at least that many jobs along the way, usually losing them for being irresponsible. We had three children, and as a result of his job problems, I always worked full time, and had the same employer throughout our marriage. But, I was very hard on him and not supportive, even with the first few job losses. Definitely a lesson here for me. Thank you!
🙂 Thank you for your kind remarks – any good is a gift from our Father. You sound wise and mature – I wish you the absolute best in this marriage! 🙂
Love to you,
I truly love the way that we can encourage each other … and just reading this dialogue as women support and encourage each other to hang on and trust .. Is a marvelous encouragement to me 🙂
So glad you are here, and yes, female relationships are a treasure, a very special gift indeed! I love how this was the first thing He gave Mary – letting her know about Elizabeth’s pregnancy – and she immediately hauled her pregnant self over to see her! We need community – iron sharpens iron, definitely. 🙂
Love to you,
Comments are closed.