Becoming Like Jesus… through The Respect Dare (Part 2)
So today I’m breaking down Katy’s “small” experience with respect. I stand back in amazement at what God can do in the “small” things. Luke 16:10 tells us, “One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much.” These small thought adjustments and tiny behavior changes are what make, over time, a life rich and overflowing with blessing. J Let’s go back to Katy’s story…
People often say to me “you must have a lot of patience” when they find out that our family has 9 blessings. Maybe on the patience scale I have more than some but mostly I am hoping that Father God continues to be patient with me. (Notice her humble attitude and focus on God) My Knight (see Dare 23) and I have a blended family. 18 months ago we joined my 6 with his 3 and began a new phase in life. Just a few months later I joined a small group of ladies (She’s “doing hard things” in community, which is what God wants – not that we walk alone, but rather arm in arm, together) in my church to tackle The Respect Dare, my life has been changed but I have so much more to learn. 
(And again the humble attitude – and I’m right there with her learning!)
Late last week we realized that our weekend was going to be kid-free! Rare occasion that it is, my sweet man whispered into my ear to not make plans for the weekend. This usually means that he is going to whisk me away to some exciting adventure. Friday morning I had breakfast with a friend from church, as I was leaving I mentioned our weekend sans kids and she very generously offered us her condo in the mountains. I was thrilled to be the one planning the excitement and he was happy to let me do so. (Even though her husband wasn’t leading the retreat, she saw God’s gift and accepted) We researched the town and started getting really excited.(Then she involved her husband in the process, thus making the enthusiasm contagious) 2 hours later his ex-wife called to say she was sick and would not be getting the children for the weekend.
This was the perfect opportunity to respect my Knight. But, his reaction to the change in plans crushed me. :'( He was thrilled that his children were staying home, because he is a GREAT Dad he was looking forward to the extra time to love on his children. I was short with him on the phone, choosing to not even communicate with him for several hours. I thought of the pretty “things” I had packed (see Dare 28) and I was angry. (Honestly, I love her transparency. If you go to Israel, you will see that life is lived in the wilderness, that the “green pastures” are sparsely placed tuffs of grass – we are meant to do life in the middle of difficulty, and occasionally get respite, not the other way around.) I went for a walk, and I stewed. I tried to pray and I was distracted. I knew my heart was in the wrong place but I couldn’t seem to let go of his excitement about the chi ldren, especially since our special plans were being cancelled. I wish I could say that I pulled out my Bible or even my Respect Dare book (for they both held the answer) – instead I allowed my emotions to run the show. (Knowing that she is just as human as you and I are lets me know this is doable for me, too. As women, we buy the lie of the culture (Christian and otherwise) that we need to “have it all together” but really, we’re all just a mess, our hearts are black, and we are sinful. We need to be real with our girlfriends, lest we create distance between us by being too “perfect.” We can then live our lives for the Audience of One, instead of the approval of man.) By the time he arrived home from work the Holy 
Spirit had started knocking on my closed heart (she’s teachable – NOT stubborn, and then get’s a Word from our Father) and I remembered …. Dare 8
Philippians 1:9-11 …that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense until the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
I remembered that our time with these children is precious and never enough. I remembered that every moment with my Knight is a gift, that he makes me feel like a princess whether we are conquering the mountains or playing a game with our kids. I remembered the reasons that I married him: Christ is first in his life, he is committed to family, he asks me how he should love me and he is above all selfless. My selfishness was very apparent in this light. I apologized quickly, he accepted and forgave and our evening continued. (She saw things the way God does. She was shown, by the Spirit, what was true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy and excellent (Phil 4:8) because she was more about the Father’s business than her own disappointment. She sought forgiveness for her sin – and repented by changing her attitude and behavior.)
Grace, that gift that is so undeserved, was given quickly as the children’s Mom was able to get the children. (And God rewarded them tangibly – which sometimes happens) I made a small dinner and sat down with my Knight. I was honest with him about my feelings; I told him of my jealousy, that he had chosen his children over me. (She lived out Matthew 18, not emotionally vomiting all over him, but in a calm way, discussing when she had emotional control. She was NOT a doormat. She was concise and brief about her pain, but truthful.) He, in turn, told me that he trusted that my heart would change all day and he apologized for not expressing his own disappointment. He also pointed out that He is growing closer to God and he is trying to accept that God has a purpose for every little thing in our lives (Jeremiah 29:11). If God wants us home with our children instead of away together then we will be blessed in that time. He is so right and I am humbled to have such an amazing Godly man as my leader. (She learned something, as did we, as did he. And she received another gift – what wife doesn’t deeply want her husband pursuing God and growing closer to Him? Her husband had the right perspective, and he learned that even though our perspective is right, we still need to have empathy for those who are hurting and disappointed. We also need to communicate our own disappointment; otherwise people won’t know how we feel. Katy’s wise way of handling this gave her husband an opportunity to do that, and cleared up a misunderstanding. Most men do not naturally communicate their feelings well, nor do they usually have great empathy for how others may experience a situation – when our feelings are hurt, we need to ask ourselves a couple of questions:
- What is true here?
- How do You see this, Lord?
- Am I being selfish?
- Is it possible there is something I do not know?
This is what applied grace looks like in the middle of conflict. He did this for us – on a much grander scale, and undeservedly so. Remember, you cannot trust your feelings – they are easily escalated by our own selfish nature and that other guy. Often, if we will but take positive action and do these things, a “small” situation will get resolved more easily, and avoid turning into a “big” problem. Unresolved conflict creates distance and resentment in relationships. Poorly resolved conflict does the same. Conflict, when resolved well creates more intimacy, as we saw in the above “small” story. Thank you again, Katy! ~Nina
~Katy
Can I also take a moment to ask a favor? Will you please pray for our team as we work hard during a super busy time of the year dealing with unexpected but allowed adversities as the book launch comes near?
We have just a little over a week before the book will be in retail outlets everywhere! J Thanks so much! J
Love to you! So thankful you are on the journey with us! J Dare you to not let a “small” thing turn into a “big” one by avoiding the conflict. Double dog dare you to “follow” the blog or share and be a Titus influencer in your world. We’re all called to it. 😉
Love to you,
~Nina
Nina, I think I’m going to print out those 4 questions and put them in a couple of places around my house. If I could take 30 seconds and ask myself those things every time I feel that flush start on my cheeks, I might get to the good stuff quicker. I am honored that you shared my story but mostly humbled by how God has gripped me in His hand and regardless of the direction I may begin to fall, He draws me back to Him.
Looks like you are already off to a good start! 🙂
Nina, I read your whole blog and your interchange with Tracey and I see the love of the Holy Spirit touching both of you and all of us–I have only one further comment–You mentioned, “As women, we buy the lie of the culture (Christian and otherwise) that we need to “have it all together” but really, we’re all just a mess, our hearts are black…”
I do not for a minute think that the Holy Spirit sees your hearts as black. I think He sees the end result of His love for you and all of us–He sees the most beautiful hearts that are just like Jesus
🙂 I agree – through the blood of Jesus Christ, we are washed of our sin, and within a millisecond, I sin again, but am covered…my sin will always be something that causes me to daily repent and daily remember the depravity of my soul without Jesus Christ. I hope you’ll check this: http://ninaroesner.com/for-husbands/why-your-love-matters/ – especially David Wilkerson’s post at the end . 🙂 At least in terms of the daily repentance part. 🙂 Here’s another that is just as good. http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/view/devotions
SO very glad you are here, Spencer! 🙂
Nina
Reblogged this on The RESPECT Dare blog … with Nina Roesner and commented:
Got Conflict? Here’s a small way to keep it from becoming a big thing. 🙂
Well, for the past 7 years or so of our 9 year marriage my husband has handled the finances. Several years ago I received a call from a debt collector asking for me. I found out that one of my doctor bills had an ongoing balance and that my husband hadn’t paid consistently. I was enraged! I made him feel like a little boy (probably worse than that) with my disrespectful words. If only he’d made me aware of the situation! Now my credit score is affected and I’m ready to get a separate checking account. Well, years have gone by during which I’d been given several more opportunities to be a godly wife and failed. God has been telling me for years “Respect your husband” and I haven’t been doing it. It got to the point when I realized that unless I started obeying God, I would be miserable. So, as an act of obedience I started to make a really conscious effort at respecting my husband. I started to experience the joy of the Lord when I did this. Hmmm. How interesting as I trust the Lord and am obedient to Him that I get blessed regardless of how the finances are being handled. I am grateful to say that during the most recent opportunity that came my way to handle things in a godly way, I did! This time it turned out to be the biller’s fault. Boy, would I have felt embarrassed getting on my husband’s case and then finding out he didn’t do anything wrong. I even asked him what he thought of how I handled the situation that time and he said I did really well. My husband and I are a team and as we trust the Lord, we will overcome every obstacle that tries to divide us – whether it be our inner enemy (the flesh) or the other guy.
I love your story, Tracey. It’s amazing how God transforms our men when we get out of His way! 🙂 Praising Him with you! 🙂
N
Thanks for the opportunity to post, Nina:) Showing respect to my husband out of reverence for Christ is what I need to remember. Not to say my husband isn’t respectable (at times). He’s just unfortunately not had a lot of godly mentors in his life but he does now and he’s learning. I have to be patient. In the meantime, God’s working on my heart more and more to be compassionate and understanding towards him. He’s a sexual abuse victim (he was 14 years old) and he’s what you’d call a sexual anorexic. I have suffered terribly without the intimacy we’re supposed to have in marriage. Major open door for Satan. God keeps telling me to respect him and through that He’ll make things right. It’s so difficult. He told me when I’m weak He’s strong and I know He’s in control of this. Even though He could miraculously heal my husband and make this mess go away, since He’s good, there’s got to be a good reason why this hasn’t been rectified yet. I know through years of sowing disrespect that I’ve reaped what I’ve sown. Now, I must trust God and show my husband respect and affirm him and get rid of anger so that I can reap good things. Sorry for running on and on. I’m in and out of emotional pain as I go through this…waiting for the day to come when I can truly feel loved by my husband.
Keep praying and obeying. 🙂 And I hope the day you wait for arrives this side of heaven – but know even if it doesn’t, our God is faithful. And it sounds like the odds are in your favor. Don’t be sorry. Just be with us and Him – we’ll all get through this life better together. 🙂
Love to you, beautiful!
~Nina
I asked God long ago to not allow me to have children until He knew I was ready to be a mother. My hope was that the Lord would close my womb and then open it at the right time. It just doesn’t make sense that my husband is like this b/c before we were Christians and before we were married, we were active. Then, on the wedding night & honeymoon – nothing. Years later the Spirit spoke very clearly to me that I’m going to have a little boy. I asked Him to name him and I didn’t hear anything for years. Then just this past year the Spirit clearly spoke to a new woman at Church and told her to tell me my son’s name is to be Jon. Jonathan is the only boy name my husband and I have ever agreed upon. I just don’t understand why we can’t be sexual without having a baby but I know God is working and will bring good out of this. Once I deliver Jon I’ll have quite a testimony and be able to help others. Thank you for your support and comfort. I always feel the Lord’s comfort too.
I LOVE THIS STORY! Thank you so much for sharing it!! Oh my Word, He is mysterious, isn’t He? Remember Sarah waited 25 years…and Elizabeth was also past child bearing years before HER John was born. 🙂 Keep us posted lovely. There’s so much learning in the waiting – don’t waste a moment of it! 🙂
Nina
Yes, and over this past half hour I’ve been asking Him to show me something in His Word to help me understand. He led me to James 4:3. Asking out of selfishness is why the healing hasn’t come to my husband yet. God’s shown me this passage before but I kept rationalizing it away…until today as I was at rock bottom again and willing to listen to Him. Today I really tried praying for my husband to be able to experience the fullness of sexual intimacy instead of asking for him to be healed so I could enjoy what I’m supposed to enjoy in marriage. Isn’t it terrible how selfish we are? God’s using this situation to make me die to self. Oh, the war battling inside us all! The part of me that wants what’s best for me has been winning out too long in my marriage. Trials like this really show a person why they need a Savior. I will continue to change my prayer and ask God to change my heart.
ALL of our situations have this goal in mind. 🙂 Often, the blessings don’t come until we get our hearts right – and even then, we’ve created circumstances which have consequences. I’d encourage you to read Matthew 18 this morning, also. 🙂 Then take action.
Love to you, dear sister! This life, our lives, are all about Jesus…
Love to you,
~Nina
Yes, it is all about Jesus. Being sanctified is very difficult to go through but worth it. Thanks sister again for the encouragement. Will keep you updated. Love, Tracey
Katy thank you for this. It can be hard sometimes when it seems our Knights make choices that seem contrary to where we want to be in their lives. To trust them, and Jesus, Learning to slow down and ‘shush’ while the Holy Spirit works. How I struggle with this, today especially, and lately. Thank you for blessing me.
Shanyn, These changes in me are only by the gift that God gives. My Knight seems to spiritually mature every time I start to “get” something right and then I have a whole new lesson to learn. Nina really got it when she said “remember you can’t trust your feelings”, I think my feelings were the only thing I trusted for a very long time. Now I’m amazed at how trusting God changes me and sheds light on truth (regardless of my emotion).