Mature Christian Women…
Did you marry well?
Or wish you had married someone else?
That “can’t sleep – can’t eat – can’t think about anything but him” feeling disappears after 6 months to a year or three.
That is normal.
But…
If you are wishing that the guy you married (you know, “Mr. Right” at the time) was “Mr. Right NOW,” maybe your focus is not on the right things, nor the right person…
I remember paying attention to the small things during the day that my husband did “wrong.”
Things that were “insensitive” or “uncaring” on his part.
Things he had no idea he was even doing.
And by the end of the day, I felt especially unloved.
Contrast that to a day spent “catching him in the act of doing things well,” and paying attention only to those things…creates a totally different experience of marriage, don’t you think?
What reality are you creating?
Imagine for a moment that your husband has been given 1 month to live. What “insults” would you begin to overlook, in light of his illness and upcoming demise? All too often, we take things personally and assign mal-intent to this man, when really, he’s just being a man.
Maybe even being a man who has not had the benefit of a godly father in his own life. So he’s not gentle, kind, loving, etc., naturally, and has to learn.
And we really don’t know how many days he really has…
Having grown up gorged on Disney movies, however, we fail to recognize that Mr. Right is a Prince Charming In Process, just as we are a Princess in Process.
Maybe instead of paying attention to his failings, and his sin, we should instead focus on how WE can live moment to moment this day to delight God.
Mature Christian wives don’t judge their husbands for sinning differently than they do… they instead offer grace and forgiveness.
Mature Christian wives don’t expect others to read their minds and make them happy, instead they are looking for ways to BE LOVE to those in their lives, through the power of the Holy Spirit, spreading His peace, His joy, and His comfort, even in the midst of difficulties, and as a result, allow a living testimony of the Spirit to flow through them.
Dare you today to ask God to show you 1) where you are sinning and need to apologize and ask forgiveness, and 2) how you can obey His Word more. Double-dog-dare you to do this one out loud with a friend or comment here! 🙂
Triple-dog-dare you to treat everyone in your life as if they only had 1 month or less to live. Changes a few things, doesn’t it?
Why not spend each day planting bulbs of blessings instead of searching for wasps? A decade or three later, your marriage will have a beautiful harvest. Mature wives know when to overlook an insult, and when to deal with a sin against them (and how to deal with it such that it doesn’t destroy their husband or their marriage!).
I
don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but I’ve been a bit lax in the blog department. I can’t write when I’m sorting through something really difficult, and I apologize for that.
If you think of it, please pray for our ministry, Daughters of Sarah, and “The Respect Dare.”
Just as a reminder, the book will come off the market sometime soon, late July/early August, as Thomas Nelson will be releasing it in December. If you have fall studies, be sure to order your books asap! I’m really sorry for the inconvenience!
Please know, however, that we’ll also have another book available sometime this fall/winter, too. 🙂 Thank you for your patience with me. Extend even more to your family members!
Glad for the journey,
Love to you,
~Nina
I was giddy over my husband for the first twelve years of our marriage. Then I found out he was involved in an affair with a woman at work. Obviously, it wasn’t mutual. Needless to say, I haven’t been giddy since.
Joanna, I’m so sorry for this! 🙁 Prayers for you, dear sister.
Hi Nina:
As you know, I am divorced, however, I offer him forgiveness – wholly and completely – for the part he refuses to admit that he played. I do not hold that against him, I simply state it for information purposes. My anger went away and my hurt and pain are almost gone.
What struck me so much about this post is that recently, a good friend of mine passed away. She was just 7 months older than me. She had been fighting MS since her early 20s. She died of a blood clot to her lungs. I watched her go from walking on her own, to walking with a cane to walking with a walker to finally being in a wheelchair. Yet none of that stopped her. She was at every event that her daughters (13 & 12) were in. She was fiercely independent and had hand controls installed on her SUV. She lived every day and didn’t miss a moment. Today I watched as her husband, her best friend, the love of her life, kissed her and shut the casket lid on the empty shell as I know God has her soul. I bawled. That kind of love is the kind of love, and the kind of life, we each desire, and we could have it too, but most of us don’t know how or where to start.
I hope to again some day have a husband and be able to treat him with all of the respect he deserves as well as live life to the fullest with him as my best friend. I pray for a man who has a heart for God.
Thank you for letting me share this story about my friend.
Sarah
Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss, and I’m glad it is “see you later,” instead of a “goodbye” for you. Thank you for sharing your story and your friend with us today.
Love to you,
Nina
I totally agree wholeheartedly with Lisa!! I’ve had the honor of being married to the most wonderful man for three years and it has never gone away!! I long to see him come home, and he practically runs through the door. Ladies, don’t EVER believe the lie that it’s normal that this feeling goes away!!! I get butterflies every time I think of him. I would love to share my story with the rest of you, as it has been an amazing journey for both of us!
I love this, Jennifer! Read my response to Lisa – and I hope yours lasts as well! A taste of heaven, indeed!
Glad you are here,
Nina
I’m sitting here giggling at myself. I read your comment and said (out loud), “HEY! She is my people!” LOL
I would like to respectfully disagree with you on one point, Nina. You know I love you, girl, but I completely disagree that it is normal for that can’t-sleep can’t-eat can’t-think-about-anything-but-him feeling to go away in six months. Or ever.
If we assume that feeling will disappear, how much likely is it that it will? Conversely, if we assume it will always be there and continue to treat our husbands the way we treated them in those early days of that feeling, how likely is it that our marriages will stay on fire for years and years? Ours has, for 32 years so far. I don’t EVER intend to let that feeling go away. My heart beats faster at five o’clock and I know he will be home any moment. I want to always feel that way about my beloved.
I don’t want any wife to ever feel like the loss of that feeling is inevitable. Please, wives. Don’t let it go.
Wishing you all love and laughter and butterflies in your tummies for many years to come. 🙂
Lisa! You are literally the first person I’ve met that has said this! 🙂 I’m dying to know the details.
What has made your situation different?
What I’m referring to is “Limerence” (the infatuation stage of love), which has research behind it that says it lasts for 6 months to 3 years for some, averaging 18 months, and literally non-stop 24/7 consumes a person with dopamine, norepinepherine, and testosterone (hence the “can’t eat, can’t think, can’t do anything but be lovesick and want to be with him/her” experience). Most couples move from “limerence” to the “attachment” stage, where the bonding hormone, oxytocin, and vasopressin begin to replace the adrenalin rush hormones.
I hope you don’t perceive me as disagreeable here, but I actually try to caution women against the pursuit of limerence/infatuation, because the research, (including our anecdotal experience of women complaining that they just don’t “feel in love” any longer, so they’ve “married the wrong guy,” is actually based on natural hormone cycles created by God. Biologically, we typically settle down. I haven’t seen any research to the contrary, save in the absence of unrequited love experiences (erotomania). The reason for this seems to be a natural progressive need to “attach” relationally with each other and re-engage with the world outside of the couple. Some of those feelings of initial euphoria can continue longer, however, if the relationship is kept “fresh” with new experiences, or if one or the other creates an environment where “safety” or “security” in the other person’s returned affection is conditional or inconsistently available.
Are you saying that you and your husband have been in the limerence/infatuation stage for 32 years? Or are you in the “attachment” stage and have both worked solidly towards continual newness and effort into your relationship, where most couples fall into familiarity and even discontent?
I realize we may just be talking semantics, but I’m really curious! 🙂 If you have maintained true limerence for this long, why do you think that is?
In Revelation 2, Christ talks about how we’ve walked away/lost (paraphrase by Nina) our first love – and I agree 110% with you, that if we will put the effort into our marriages like we did at the beginning, we are setting ourselves up for a more rewarding experience, and glorify God.
Great marriages are a great work. And totally worth it. 🙂
Glad you are here, and I so appreciate the dialogue! Love back to you, baby! 🙂
Nina
Well, now you’ve gone and gotten all scientific about it! LOL
Honestly, I wasn’t thinking of science and statistics. I was thinking of how we have felt toward one another through the years–maybe not every second, but overall–and the fact that it’s 2:30pm and I am positively giddy that he will be home in less than three hours. We text each other constantly throughout the day, offer promises veiled in innuendo, flirt like we did when we were dating.
I don’t know if we’re a limerick or not (LOL) but I certainly wouldn’t call this staid and “settled”. It gets pretty wild around here, and I’m actually pretty glad we haven’t found a predictable groove to fall into.
I’m willing to accept the thought that we are just plain weird. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve heard that. 🙂
Love you, my friend.
Well if you are “just plain weird,” I want to be just like you when I grow up! I love that you are giddy in the middle of the afternoon over him after all these years – this seems like a very special blessing indeed! Maybe you have an extra insight into what it’s supposed to be – there’s a Scripture about how a husband is to “delight in the wife of his youth” and perhaps this is what we have to look forward to when we, the bride, reach our bridegroom in heaven, Jesus. Were it to be so for all of us all the time in our marriages on earth… perhaps another result of the fall we were unaware of? I am, however, joyful for you that you’ve received this blessing! Love you, baby! 🙂 And I’ll confess, I did have to turn over my giddy-coveting…not to say that we aren’t texting and rambunctious and having fun, but it’s not like that first year, when we were very nearly drunk with each other… 🙂 And I wouldn’t go back there, honestly, I could never get the laundry done. 🙂 hee hee!! 🙂
Nina
I saw your post on Facebook and am jumping in here…
I think it is entirely possible to keep up that initial feeling, or at least to re-claim it often. We are shortly coming up on our 5 year anniversary (this Saturday). While I wouldn’t be able to honestly say we are absolutely giddy all the time, we are when we have the opportunity to be. Currently we have 2 young children (plus 1 in heaven) and a baby on the way so I’m not always physically or mentally able to be that way all the time, but we still definitely create moments and make it a priority to take time out for just each other. We are both very excited in these days leading up to our anniversary and just wish we could have a bit more time alone than is possible right now. Whenever we are able to create that space, it really is ‘like new’ again. I guess you could say that explains why this is baby #4 in 5 years : ).
I also have friends who are very much like Lisa and her husband, even married about the same length of time. From my observation of them, I think it’s partly taking time for each other, flirting, and what she calls ‘creating mystery’ concerning her femininity. (I’m still working on exactly what she means by that one…something to do w/ keeping him interested and curious…) I have known this couple since I was a pre-teen and can honestly say (at least from my observation) their relationship has always seemed to be this way.
Wonderful! And I think you are hitting the nail on the head – the whole, “keep it new” concept is an important one, and few couples take the time daily to do this, as life tends to get in the way…do whatever you have to do to keep it – and know that “when they get older” doesn’t make it easier!! LOL I have teenagers and they stay up late! So we’re keeping it new by keeping it flexible, and while “it’s none of their business” what goes on behind the bedroom door, they know why it’s locked… 🙂 My heart goes out to those couples who have teens and little ones…I’m sorry, btw, for the loss of your baby – I’ve lost one as well, and I look forward to meeting her again in heaven. 🙂 (((hugs)))
Love to you,
Nina
Honestly, I almost think it has something to do with the fact that we started out behind the eight-ball and there was only one way to go–UP–and we were all we had. I was a scared-to-death pregnant 16-year-old and he was a scared-to-death 20-year-old and we felt like it was us against the world. Because of that, everything that’s happened to us has happened TO US–and we’ve fought it off together. Guess maybe spending so much time in the trenches together kept us up-close-and-personal a little more often than with some folks? 🙂
Lisa – I love this. You two really HAVE done the “leave and cleave” thing – too many people struggle with parents, siblings, work, business, etc., and unless there is a holy fight going on to keep or (as Naomi so eloquently said) “reclaiming” intentionally happening on both parts, relationships tend to head south.
Marriages are like plants…if they are fed, watered, sunned, etc., they grow. If not, they wither and die.
If we feed our careers, our materialism, our hobbies, or only our children, our marriage doesn’t get enough to grow. 🙂 I love the dialogue today! 🙂
You guys are awesome.
Nina
I love this!!! My husband and I seriously make our friends sick with how affectionate we are. I must say, I have a lot to brag about. My husband is amazing, and I could go on and on about how amazing and wonderful he is. I truly thing that it has gotten BETTER (yeah, see??) in the last few years than it ever was while we were dating.
I’m so happy to see that other couples have found the same, that this amazing, heart-filling, butterfly-giving, feeling doesn’t just fade because it’s your hormones. When you are truly fulfilled in Christ, and meet someone whom your soul loves, then God creates miracles where there wasn’t even a need for one before!!
I feel everything you were speaking of today. We had been married 27 years and it took my oldest daughter getting married for God to say – Look, you have not been treating your husband as I have declared. It is not too late to change. So I set out to be the Godly wife I should have been all along. If you have struggled with this I suggest you repent and start the journey anew. The results are truly awesome. Lucy
Congratulations on choosing to follow Him, Lucy! It makes ALL the difference in the world! 🙂
Love to you,
Nina