Taken for Granted…?
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true…
The first 20 minutes of this morning were spent being smacked upside the head with the obvious, which unfortunately, I’ve ignored too often.
I woke to fresh ground brewed coffee that my husband made before he left for work. I noticed he made more than what he would drink, but also made some for me.
Sweet.
It’s summer, and I’m recovering from an illness and an injury, so I slept past normal time, then after my coffee, donned the running shoes and athletic clothes my husband gave me, and hopped in the van he purchased for me to drive, and went to walk for an hour with a girlfriend.
I had the luxury of not having to rush out to a job because my husband provides for us – and because we live within our means.
I knew my kids were safe in our house, even though I forgot to turn off our internet, because my husband painstakingly researched and installed several different layers of internet security and safety programs…which he also pays for.
My 16 year old was comfortable with being in charge, because my husband has taught him to be responsible, and endure challenges with siblings because it is the right thing to do. I grew up pretty much as an only child – my sister is 16 years older than I am, so I have no clue what he means by that from an experiential standpoint.
Today, the Lord reminded me that what is TRUE, is that our men often DO many things they never receive very much credit for, and they don’t whine, complain, or experience dissatisfaction (generally speaking) over. They go to jobs they don’t like to pay for things they don’t even participate in…for us and for our kids.
I used to work full time. Then I worked 10-20 hours a week. Both were jobs I had the privilege of loving.
And while the money was nice, it wasn’t the reason I worked, thankfully.
Many of our husbands do work they don’t enjoy to provide benefits for us and their kids that they never even experience.
Dare you today to NOTICE.
Please don’t be offended by this if you are working full or part time and taking care of the domestic stuff, and feel like your husband is doing nothing. I know what it feels like to be empty in a marriage. But may I ever so gently, lovingly, warmly, convey that there is something that maybe you (like me, long ago) just don’t understand?
There was a time that I would have said my husband didn’t do anything. That I had to do it all…I felt deeply ALONE in my marriage…ached for connection with my husband, and what happened is God changed me first, and what’s amazing is that I can now see how my husband is also growing.
Truth is, I was blind and didn’t know it.
These men we live with have their own journey, and God has His own timing. We have to stay out of the way of that, or we will be delaying the blessings that await us in marriage.
And there’s learning for US in the middle of it, too.
I assure you He (and he) is doing something. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
One of my favorite things about Daughters of Sarah® and The Respect Dare book is that God helps us see these things through them.
One big learning is if our husband is doing less than he used to, know this may be due to the sad thing we see very often – he’s given up because he feels like he can’t do anything right anyway, so why bother? (Due to the sarcasm, criticism, judgment, and unreasonable expectations of his wife – and granted, his sin is still his sin, but why not be a help versus a hindrance to another’s growth? Isn’t that what being a friend is all about? Remember too, that we’re called to be “helpers” and “friends” to our husbands…how would you want to be treated by your best friend? Around 85% of men only have 1-3 friends and they deeply want their wives to be one of them.)
And please don’t think I’m some invisible house maid whose only role is domestic support and nose-wiping. Yes, I gave up the corporate ladder for diapers, and yes, I gave up the prestige of position as defined by our culture to one defined by my God. I am “the glue that holds our family together” to quote my husband. Raising kids and caring for a home is not for the faint of heart! It’s work. And I’ve gone from being alone and aching to being a huge influencer and key player in how Team Roesner does marriage and family. My husband values my opinion, and asks for it regularly, as I do with him. And it didn’t used to be like that, from either of us. Regardless of what “title” you want to place on these things, (complementarian, egalitarian, patriarchical, feminist – all of which aren’t fully understood or demonstrated well and could be debated –and have been- for centuries) what matters is what God has done. I have the intimacy I longed for in marriage. My husband has a partner that supports and encourages and respects him. And you can have a beautiful marriage, too. But it won’t happen if you allow yourself to model what you see on secular culture’s tv or in the magazine stand at grocery checkout. Those are lies. We’re also buying Christian-culture lies if we subscribe to the notion that women are to be doormats and second-class citizens in a marriage.
Dare you to ask God to help you SEE today, “whatever is true” from Philippians 4:8. It may humble you and bring you weeping to your knees.
Double dog dare you to view your husband the way God does, as precious, important, and valuable – even if you are struggling in your marriage. And remember how Christ struggled and suffered, yet persevered, and loved in the midst of all of it.
Triple dog dare you to be a Titus 2 woman of influence today, and comment or share to help others start figuring these things out as well!
Love to you.
So thankful you are on the journey with me!
~Nina
reading this blog with tears in my eyes.. It came on time as I have been feeling miserable for the past few days and it hit me big time today.. I can’t focus on anything because of my frustrations with my husband… my husband knows the bible more than I do and it amazes me when he recites the verse on a pastor’s sermon so when I feel like I’m not being heard or my husband didn’t help me put the dishes away (some of the little things, I know) I get mad… and i start bringing up how he is and sometimes I would even say you he reads the bible and pray a lot but he doesnt take care of me or he doesnt know how to treat me right… it’s hard when you keep tabs on what you did and what your husband didnt do or maybe he did some of it but not the way you want it (I must admit, i keep tabs and a list on my head). Prayers please ladies!
Nina, this was so deeply needed and appreciated today. We are in a very strange situation right now and we need to be sticking together rather than pulling apart. The past couple of days have been intense, to say the least, and today when he didn’t want to talk or be around me I cleaned the house and prayed over him, over our family. I prayed God’s blessings on our lives and those in it. Then later on my husband came back and we are on the way back to each other again. Bless you girl.
That is such an encouraging story Shanyn. What a blessing to pray and see God answer so quickly.
Thank you so much for this. I am in a very lonely place in my marriage but I am trying to give Jesus my number one focus. There are a few things in my husband’s life that I know are keeping him from growing closer to Jesus but I have committed to letting Jesus do what He does. Nothing will ever be accomplished by me nagging.
Melissa, I just wanted to give you a little virtual hug. Jesus says that He will never leave or forsake you. I have felt lonely even in the best of times in my marriage, to me that loneliness reminds me that my heart is longing for something more and only Jesus can fill the emptiness. The closer you grow to Jesus the less you will be aware of others and the more Jesus can do through you to impact those people. Your sweetness comes through in your words and I just wanted you to know that I was touched and have prayed for you today.
I really needed this reminder today. I am a full time teacher and although I desire to be a stay at home mom I work so my husban can serve in the ministry which God has called him to…not a good bill payer in economic times like these…but he faithfully serves in our church and at or local college. He also is in seminary and has two small jobs on the side to try and help make up for the budget cuts te church has had to make to his salary. I hold the only steady paycheck right now. But he desires for me to come home and teach our kids…so often I feel like I do everything and am still only faulted for the things I didn’t get to. God reminded me through this post to notice all my husband does for me and our kids and understand his critism may just be out of his frustration and stress and that need to thank him more for all he does to provide for us and serve our Lord.
Reblogged this on The Respect Dare Blog … with Nina Roesner and commented:
This popped up as an issue in a few places. Thought I’d share.
I am going to pray right now to realize all the positive things my husband does. I want him to know he is appreciated and loved by my very much. Thanks for this message!
Starting the respect dare today, having a hard time coming up with my 3 things for each of us, because I am concerned I am not thinking rightly, I am afraid to set my expectations too high! I want his to be the Christian man I desire, who never has an excuse for skipping church, reads and prays daily, and encourages me spiritually. Right now I feel like the spiritual leader 🙁 but is that something I shouldn’t pick for him? That is between God and my husband so I feel like if I put that down and it doesn’t happen then…. should I expect less, such as he will change the cats litter DAILY as promised? But then I feel like I am making God too small. Grrrr…all I know is I am excited and I am really looking forward to the next 40 days, I committ to not skip ONE, and I can’t wait to see how the foolish devil tries to derail me and how my JESUS puts him to shame over and over again!
Girl, you are GORGEOUS! God loves these struggles of ours… and how they end up glorifying Him in the end… PLEASE feel free to comment and ask questions as you go through the book…and I admire your commitment – know it will be hard. But I admire you anyway! Let us know when you need prayer, are just frustrated and angry, or have questions. 🙂 Regarding this first dare… well, I’d encourage you to ask the Father what He would have you choose… 🙂
Love to you, beautiful. Persevere. It’s what builds mature faith. 🙂
~Nina
Thank you for your reply, it is very encouraging to me that you are so active on here, I would imagine it would be too consuming! I went ahead and completed the first days dare. I was having trouble with the seconds days at first because my mother was a single mom until I was ten and I dont have too many childhood memories (how do women with no reference at all, a single mom their whole life, answer this one), but I prayed for an incident and waited, and low and behold God brought one to mind. My list of interpretations was long and embarrassing….The gist of it? Men are stupid, incompetent, and incapable….they need to be taken care of and it is the wifes burden to protect them even from themselves. YIKES, holy cow, no wonder my husband can’t do anything right by me….I apparently already knew this about my husband even before I met “him” as an individual-lol….how sad….but at the same time how great to have this revelation so that progress can follow! We recently made a desicion that he would take over our finances, and I asked him this morning for $20 to put in my cousins gratuation card (we are traveling to a different state for her party) and he said NO!!! Let me tell you, I wanted so badly to snatch back some control and do what I wanted to do anyways, but I just sat there (albeit in some scornful silence LOL)….my point is-I’m mad! I can’t wait to get to whatever day in these 40 that helps me with this one! If it is alright, I may bombard your blog daily just to keep myslef accountable? Blessed Be =) Nikki
Nikki – what if we create a page for you to make comments on? Like, “Dare Takers Comments” or something? 🙂 Seriously! 🙂
Brilliant!
Check the Journey Taker’s page and see if that works for you. 🙂
I just discovered your blog this morning. This is insightful and beautifully written. Thank you.
Anything good you see is from God, Sheree…I’ll take responsibilities for the grammar errors and typos! 🙂 So glad you are here!
I needed this tonight. Thank you.
One of my favorite lessons from The Respect Dare – the joy of praying for my husband with the same diligence that I pray for my girlfriends. One day, as I was sending a text to my friend that included scripture and words of encouragement, I was convicted of treating her better than my precious Knight. My husband had mentioned that he was seeking God for growth in a certain area and I realized that I had been looking for signs of that growth, even went as far to sarcastically say something to him but never once had I prayed for him. Why not? I love my friend and I want her to see growth in her spiritual life, but that doesn’t really affect my daily life. My husband is my leader, he is the head of our family, he makes decisions every hour that change the flow of our lives – when God answers his prayers for spiritual growth, we all benefit GREATLY. I am still learning this but the knowledge keeps me in check; when I stop to encourage a friend, I take that as an opportunity to pray for and encourage my husband as well and I like it!!! Thank you for reminding me of all that is TRUE
Hey girl! Lovely…just lovely!!! And it is God who does the reminding…thankful to not be in the way!
Wow! this makes me want to send him an email right now and thank him for all he’s done.
Beautiful