How to Avoid Creating An Angry Husband
“You wouldn’t believe the dumb thing he did last weekend!” she exclaimed. Her coffee shop friends leaned in, eager for the juicy tidbit about to be served. “He actually let our two-year-old have a donut at 4:00pm! Of course she didn’t eat much dinner…” The ladies laughed on cue, shaking their heads knowingly. The man a few tables over, across the aisle scowled slightly. I imagined his thoughts sympathetically went to the woman’s husband. At least her man wasn’t present for the gossip.
Proverbs 17:9 tells us, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”
I remember being at a dinner party over 20 years ago. The women huddled in the kitchen, talking about this or that, and then the subject of our husbands came up. Several of the ladies complained about how many hours their husband worked, and then one of them actually looked directly at me and said, “YOU are part of MY problem – my husband works with yours and you BABY your husband!” I won’t tell you the details, but her words stung. “You’re always checking with him before you do something – so annoying! My husband complains that I don’t do that enough and it’s your fault!” I think what really bothered her was she’d seen me ask his opinion several times. I think she thought I did it out of some insecurity, or something weak within me that she found disdainful. Honestly, I just really cared about what my husband thought. This was the first awakening I had to the attitude of, “as a woman, somehow I am less-than others if I have to ask a man’s opinion.”
It made me a little sad for them as a couple that she didn’t see her husband as her best friend. While there is a difference between “BFF” between women, and the friendship we have with our husband, I remember replying, “Jim and I have been friends for many years before we even talked about marriage. I care what he thinks about things. And we’re somewhat traditional. It has nothing to do with you.”
Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her own house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down.” Our culture teaches us to criticize and make fun of men. God says this will end in ruin.
Dare you to ask yourself, whether male or female, if your words are “building others up,” or if you are a demolition crew with a wrecking ball because of them.
Consider, 1 Thessalonians 5:11a: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up,” And, Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Often, men get frustrated with us when we start verbally swinging the wrecking ball. At their core, they are wired to be creatures of honor and respect, and they are taught to control their frustrations.
These frustrations often emerge as anger and then they shut down and emotionally pull away from us. Not that I’m excusing men for their behavior here, but we can help them by eliminating some of the behaviors God wants us to get rid of anyway!
Dare you to think about “helper” (one of our Biblical roles, as designed by God) in this way… J
So here’s my “Top 5 Ways to Tear Down Your Husband in Front of Others” – and trust me, I’ve probably done all of them, and more…and learned from the Spirit about changing my ways. I can tell you there is a better way! It’s God’s way – it may not make much sense, but it’s what He wants from us, and it works…but more on that another day…
- Purse the lips and roll the eyes whenever your husband says something…that way everyone will know your disdain and low opinion of him.
- Interrupt him when speaking so you can do a better job telling the story, filling in the details, or getting the facts right…that way everyone will know you think you’re smarter than he is.
- Make comments about how he “never does anything around the house,” or talk about how you “have to do it all,” …clearly demonstrating the very high opinion you have of your own efforts in contrast to his (forgetting all those verses about judgment).
- When he makes a mistake, be sure to share it with others, with him present, if possible…this will let everyone know how much better than him you think you are.
- Be sure to argue with him in front of other people, using words that make him feel defensive, like, “Why on earth would you think that? That’s ridiculous!” letting others know just how little you think of him and his thoughts. Double your points if you argue about minutia – triple if your kids are present.
The list might sound ludicrous, but what I didn’t realize at the time I committed these myself was that I communicated very clearly to my husband and the other men around me how little I respected my husband. I’m really sorry for my argumentative attitude and contentious demeanor decades ago, and thankful to be learning what God wants instead.
Dare you to do the same. J
Hebrews 10:36 says, “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Do the right thing because God says it’s the right thing. It takes a while to start figuring these things out – but totally worth doing.
Do what is right today, don’t give way to fear.
Thankful to be on the journey with you! Pray for us – we’re in the process of getting our Daughters of Sarah course ready for DVD. It’s a lot of work and expense to do. J
Info on Daughters of Sarah® class here. (Note – it’s not available yet) 🙂 Hopefully fall 2013.
My husband and I have been married for 40 years and it is because we are best friends. For the first few years of our marriage I didn’t respect my husband because I didn’t respect myself. One day I heard my children being disrespectful to my husband and I realized what I was doing. I changed me and how I was treating him. I love and respect my husband and myself today.
Stellar! Thanks so much, Patricia!
Amen girl. Thank you for this reminder. It was in our wedding vows to always defend and protect and respect one another. To never share our personal lives and arguments with others. I always have his back, and if we disagree it is just the two of us if at all possible. Respect Dare just helped me do things so much better and deeper with more scriptural foundation stones to hold us up when the world wants to tear us down and apart.
I have had women, and men, ask and sometimes dis me for my relationship with my husband. I really respect and honour your response to those women’s comments so long ago. Good for you.
Any good you see is Him, baby. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I can completely relate. Not only to your story about being told you baby your husband, I have been told that as well, but I am guilty of all 5 ways to tear down your husband. Now that I have realized this I am going to do my best to change these ways and build up my husband and our relationship.
Truer words were never spoken. Thanks for the reminders. I appreciate your honesty and want to make a greater effort to do the same.
God Bless you in your studies of Daughters of Sarah!! I just came thru a Bible study of that same book and it has CHANGED my life and my view as a wife.
Thanks for the great reminder!
Thank you for the positive reinforcement and taking time to post! We like the book that is out there by Genevieve White, but just as an FYI, Greater Impact is a ministry training organization. Daughters of Sarah is a mentorship type training experience in the midst of teaching, communication skill exercises, conflict resolution skill development, and equipping women as wives of strength and dignity, helping them ground their sense of identity in Christ Jesus. We utilize materials from 9 different books, based on the current state of a woman’s walk with God. The course is 12 weeks long, 2 hours a session, and interactive instead of lecture-driven, with skill development a significant part of the experience. It’s also different every time a woman does it, as when we are in different life stages, we are met with different lessons from God, in different ways.
“The Respect Dare” is based on this Daughters of Sarah course that we teach. The class is currently in video production (we just taped all the teaching segments!) and the activity segments (there are 12) are being filmed starting January 29th, in a class at Faith Church in Milford, Ohio. Please pray for us and the 50+ women signed up for the class, that God would do His thing in spite of us, and that their marriages would be blessed, turned around, improved, and resurrected because of their obedience to His Word. 🙂
Wonderful teaching! God bless you and keep up the good work!
Wonderful Post thank you for writing this!!!
Very true words!!! I recently finished Debi Pearl’s book “Created to be His Helpmeet” .. follows right along with your article..
I have decided I don’t want a marriage like everyone else’s, like Hollywood depicts. I want a marriage that will last and that I want to be a part of. Best example of this is a Biblical marriage, the way God intended.
Thanks for the article!
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