When Will My Husband Spiritually Lead?
Wednesday, I was in Nashville, Tennessee, for an important meeting regarding some things that deeply impact our ministry and “The Respect Dare” book.
A dear friend of mine drove down with me Tuesday afternoon, so I could attend another meeting that night, and when I was crawling into bed that evening, I called my family in Ohio. I spoke to the kids that were still conscious, and my husband. As soon as we wrapped up the conversation and I hung up the phone, I realized we hadn’t prayed together.
And I wasn’t angry or disappointed.
And then I realized that my perspective had significantly changed from years ago.
Notice I said, “we hadn’t prayed together,” instead of “he didn’t pray with me.”
Because of my warped understanding of “submission” and “headship” and “respect” in my marriage, I honestly used to believe that it was 100% my husband’s responsibility to initiate any kind of Biblical discussion or prayer.
I had been taught that I was “stepping out in front of him” if I initiated prayer.
I will tell you that I do think there is a difference between, “You need to pray for me right now,” and “Will you pray for me right now?” And on the farthest end of that spectrum (where I used to be, decades ago, in a misinformed attempt at being a godly wife) is complete silence, waiting for him to initiate prayer, or anything else for that matter.
The wait left me not only unsatisfied, but resentful and bitter, discouraged. While I understand that we must wait for God’s timing, nowhere in the Bible does it state that God won’t use His people, including wives, to impact others. Hmmm…
AND…how I defined “leadership” and how God defines it are different…more on that another day. Suffice it to say, my husband has become a greater leader in our lives. He does lead our family, and, he has his own path of growth, too. And I’m thankful he tries so hard, and I’m also regretful of the many times I’ve actually interefered with his leading…by unintentionally discouraging him.
And in my relationship with God, through His Word and my own personal experience of Him, He showed me that as a woman of strength and dignity, when led by God, it can be most honorable to ask my husband for what I need, in a gentle and kind way, instead of expecting him to read my mind. My husband views this as helpful.
So the next morning, I called him. And I said, “I forgot to ask you to pray for me last night, will you do that now?”
“Of course,” came the reply, “I wanted to last night, but got interrupted by one of the kids.”
Oh, I didn’t know that, but can I tell you it made my heart soar? (I’m just as female as they come, I love the intimacy that enters relationships through praying with another follower of Christ, and there’s NO ONE I would rather pray with than my husband!)
So he prayed. And I felt the Father’s hand of protection over all that would take place that day, as a result of my husband’s action.
I ran across this in James 1 today, from http://www.Biblestudytools.com –
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers.
As wives, it can be tempting to get all upset because our husband isn’t behaving as the “spiritual leader” in our homes. Trust me, I know how much we wives long for that… Today, I’m daring you to ask yourself, “What can YOU do, as a relationship architect, to be helpful in that regard?” Can we stop complaining about his inadequacies, and instead, spur him on, remembering that he is also our brother, on his own journey with God, and we have the privileged opportunity to walk alongside him as he does with us? Do not be deceived by the “Christian culture,” ladies, which has taught us far too often that our only action that is godly is to be silent.
Please know that I also fully believe I have talked too much and interfered with my husband’s relationship with God too often. There is a place for silence and waiting – BUT, the only way to know when God wants us to be helpful, how that’s different from “enabling” or “rescuing” and when we are to be silent is to develop such intimacy with our Lord that we can know, in the moment, which action to take.
Want to learn more about these things?
It’s my life’s mission and one of the main purposes of our ministry to help wives figure out these communication and relationship skills at an even higher level.
It’s why He created Greater Impact Ministries.
Dare you to pray about whether or not you should join us for a very special Daughters of Sarah® class…
The information meetings are December 11 and 18th (come to one) at Faith Church in Milford, Ohio, (5910 Price Road), from 9:15am-10:30am in the Life Center Multi-Purpose Room.
This is the class that makes it available to churches everywhere… we’re so excited about what God is doing. Please join us. You’ll really deeply grow your relationship with your Lord and your husband.
The actual class is in January – but you need to know what you are getting into, so please come to an info meeting.
We’re also doing a taping session for the teaching segments on January 5th at Horizon’s church in Newtown, Ohio. It’s for wives, it’s a full day of marriage info – we need an audience, and it will help you in your marriage – so please come! J
There’s more information on our Facebook link here.
Double dog dare you to bring friends…Triple dog dare you to share with others and help them grow in their marriages as well, via email or on your Facebook® J. And if you haven’t “subscribed” to the blog here, please do so – I can’t wait to share more with you!
Thanks so much for being on the journey with us!
Love to you,
~Nina
” And I’m thankful he tries so hard, and I’m also regretful of the many times I’ve actually interfered with his leading…by unintentionally discouraging him. ” Boy howdy, we have to watch out for this! You can talk to your husband about anything but you have to use “wisdom” with your words and timing! Wives need to be sensitive and wise. 🙂
Thanks for this.
Julia
Katy – It’s women’s curse to be constantly tempted to “control” (check Genesis fall story…) and there’s a fine line between being a “friend” to our husbands (like Titus 2:3-5 tells us) and taking charge of everything – and on the other end of the spectrum is that passive doormat, “I’ll just wait for him to do it,” attitude, and of course he isn’t going to do anything! 🙂
For what it’s worth, BTW, God helped you see reality…I just happened to be handy this morning! 🙂 Make it easy for husband to lead, make it positive, and over time, he’ll step up on his own. Pray the Holy Spirit gives you the insight to even create opportunities (NOT manipulation, but obedience to the Spirit) for him to lead. Then follow. 🙂 Helping him in the workshop or with a chore he’s in charge of is a great way to do this! 🙂
Blessings to you, beautiful!
Nina
Thank you again for such an incredible word to me and others. I’ve learned a lot about respecting my husband over the last few years but you always bring up something that just hits home with me in so many ways. I still struggle in this area of my husband spiritual leading. And I have put the silence on and let him decide when were having Bible together which is so rare. I don’t get angry or anything, I kinda just gave up and I can see from this article that that’s probably still wrong. I am thankful that my husband is spending time with the Lord by himself now again and how that is changing his attitudes and heart. It’s the together that’s hard for us from all we’ve been thru….After reading that our Bible time together should be just that and not a time for me to vent lots of issues I’ve totally stopped that and share at different times. Makes Bible time a time for both of us to listen to God instead of me trying to be the Holy Spirit in his life or just trying to get us to work on some things together at the wrong time. So this is another awesome blog to show me that maybe I should initiate our Bible time a little more to help him know I really want that time with him and then maybe he’ll be more interested and initiate it more too. God bless you Nina. I wish I could come to the meetings you’re having but Ohio’s too far away. Laura
Praise God, Laura, for what He’s teaching ALL of us! 🙂 Wish you could be here, too!
I love that you are wise in discerning when to share issues, too. Makes Bible time better for Him and you, and keeps the focus on the Lord! I love asking a question about anything instead of telling people what they need to do – maybe a, “Can we study at such and so time together today?” and then, “What time tomorrow, then?” if the answer’s not positive. Hang in there gorgeous!
Nina
Yes, yes, yes. Just a few weeks ago when I was working on Dare 33 I really had a hard time “feeling it”; oh, I “get it!” but it is so much in my nature to just DO the things that he doesn’t. EXCEPT when it comes to spiritual things. In those things, even when I have been slightly nudged by His leading, I have chosen the demure silence and waiting. What a contradiction and display of disobedience from me.
Our family is in a huge spiritual (but very real and physical) battle right now. God has spoken victory to my husband, and my husband is carrying his shield of faith in front of our whole family. I, on the other hand, have been darting out from behind his covering and picking up the little arrows that the enemy is shooting, the ones that my husband walked right through with his shoes of peace. I know, that I know, that I have been lead to pray (out loud!) for and with my husband many times but most especially in the last week. And until reading this I dismissed those urgings, waiting on my husband to start the prayer or at least ask me. I don’t even know where I got that mind-frame. Thank you Nina for helping me see reality. I will pray with my husband and I will ask him to pray for and with me. He needs me to respect his leading, but more so he needs (and desires for) me to respect the leading of the Holy Spirit first and foremost.