Lying to Your Husband?
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“Nothing,” she says.
“No really, you seem upset,” he inquires.
“I’m fine,” she replies.
Liar. š
How often do we do that with our husbands? Or others, for that matter?
I have finally stopped saying I was fine when I wasn’t.
So don’t ask me how I am unless you really want to know.Ā
We are missing an opportunity to breathe life into our relationships when we don’t communicate how we really feel. Proverbs 14:25 spoke this to me recently, even though it seems a little out of context.
Granted, I know my feelings cannot be trusted ā my heart is as evil as yours (no offense, but check Matthew 15:19 and remember we’re all the same! š ) but we also falsely communicate when we say we are “fine” when everyone (including us) knows otherwise.
That’s lying.
And it’s one of the ways we teach others that we are really a “doormat,” btw.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“Thanks for asking. I guess I’m feeling slighted. I worked really hard making a nice dinner, and I realize I’m being selfish, because I know I should be just fine with serving you guys whether you say anything nice, help me clean up, or nothing at all. But when everyone just left me at the table alone, without saying thanks, or picking up their plates and carrying them to the dishwasher, I felt taken advantage of,” she softly replies, without being sarcastic, not dripping contempt non-verbally, without name-calling.
And if he still doesn’t get it?
“I would feel like a princess if you would lead the kids in picking up after dinner. I think if you participate, making it fun, and have them all help, it will teach them that the wife of the home is a position of value. I’ll also feel better about working to prepare meals everyone loves if you encourage a, ‘thanks, mom,’ or something,” she gently says, smiling at him.
Or maybe, she just launches into the work, and says, “Hey guys, come on over and let’s clean up these dishes together!”
Or maybe, she just does the clean up herself, and doesn’t think twice about it, because it just doesn’t matter to her.
At all.
But regardless, notice the lack of emotional vomiting rooted in judgment.Ā
Also notice the lack of criticism or contempt.
And how else will this guy you married have an opportunity to “rally the troops” and corral them back to the table to “Thank mom for the nice dinner she prepared,” and, “Let’s clean up!” and be the man of the house if he’s not told the truth?
Many husbands won’t need us to communicate like this ā remembering that it’s not about us, and not missing the great opportunity to serve without expectation, I challenge wives to FIRST die to self, asking God for the right thoughts, correct attitudes, and servant’s hearts.
And then, when you have a few planks out of your own eyes, I’m going to dare us today to be honest in our relationships ā choosing to be more mature first, begging God to help us grow up and see the world and people the way He does.
Double dog dare you to read His Word for yourself, seeing what He might communicate directly to you today, triple dog daring you to comment, share, or “subscribe” and continue this journey with us!
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Love to you,
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I LOVE this post … My problem is that I would feel like I had NO right to say anything whatsoever. Well, I actually would think this: My husband has such a bad headache… He is SO tired and stressed. He doesn’t need anything else on his plate… Then I would just call the kids and assign one to unload, another to load and another to sweep and mop…
That one is easy… Harder is that I am feeling really down and just need to cry and for you to tell me it is going to be ok and to pray for me, to make love to me… He is answering the mandatory calls from work, is so tired he is about to fall down and honestly cannot do that at the present time. I do not want to burden him at that time…. And months go by….
Elizabeth,
I think not wanting to burden your hubby is noble and admirable. Does your holding back this painful truth from your husband really honor him? Does it honor your marriage? What if you trusted God with the outcome of sharing the truth in love with your husband? If he is burdened about it, can you trust God to work in him to help him handle the stress and improve the situation?
This passage came to mind in reading your post:
Carry each otherās burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. Galatians 6:2-5
We want to help carry our husband’s burdens, but if we don’t allow him to carry his own load, aren’t we also taking away one of the Lord’s tools for sanctification?
One last thing I would ask you to at least consider: I have unintentionally insulted my husband by thinking he couldn’t handle the truth. I didn’t realize it, but what he heard me “saying” by holding back is “I think you’re too fragile to handle this”. Oh, what a gut blow for man when his wife thinks he’s not strong enought to hear the truth, but I, his wife, am strong enough to handle it alone.
I’m sorry that you’re hurting this way. š
Praying for you today,
Sandi
What if your husband is abusive and always ready to fight. And you know that when he asks you what’s wrong that’s normally a setup foran argument or fight. You speak softly. But you are called out of your name for almost an hour. You wish he had never asked. You wish you knew what to do. The only way to keep the peace is to really not say anything. He hates when I talk
Natale – So sorry you are dealing with this! It’s awful.
Talk about painful.
Words that sting, bite, and injure.
What we’ve learned is that we need to respond softly, gently, with kindness on our tongue, sounds like you might be doing that. Don’t worry – your God trusts you with this – He knew this man needed your help. You are wired to be relational – know that if you keep persevering, keep being gentle, keep being kind, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, keep pursuing God, His Spirit will guide you. From another day: http://ninaroesner.com/2012/01/17/avoid-creating-an-angry-husband/ and from today: http://ninaroesner.com/2012/02/09/contentment-as-a-wife/
Praying for you, beautiful!
Nina
Thank you for your encouragement. I needed it. God truly bless you Nina. Even as he already has.:-)
Thanks so much for the kind words – anything good to come out of these is totally from Him!
Wow…the phrase “if you can’t say Amen say ouch” was never more accurate…..
I LOVE reading your blog daily! Thanks for making me think every single post. You are a blessing!
Its about morals as a whole. All in all, alot of the “little things” that happen in everyones day to day life can provoke controversy in your head, and sometimes very subtly, by the evil one. I try to back down as fast as possible when invoked with some sort of judgmental spirit. All the “little things” are majorly distorted when you allow this spirit to continue.. Who is EXACTLY right and who is EXACTLY wrong? I say this: God is right, and we are not perfect.. IMO miss Nina was representing very high levels of HUMILITY in her words that me personally have not been able to attain, and that is how God is working in her life. I can only pray at this point to reach that level. im prideful, im judgemental, im selfish and self-serving. I pray: “God please give me the discernment to notice and the wisdom to carry it to a higher level.” These habits have taken years to create, so it seems like forever to get them to a more tolerable level. One thing that helps tremendously is this definition i heard one time.
Tolerance: Realizing we are all unique expressions of character qualities at varying degrees of maturity.
Until i read that i couldnt even be around certain people, but after it allowed me to stop staring at the bad and look for the good in everyone. Regardless of what i see as thier wrongs (still judgemental spirit in my opinion), i started looking for the good and it helps me forget the bad, thus “controlling” the judgemental spirit.
Thanks for pointing the direction to more respectful and truthful communication. Love this line “But regardless, notice the lack of emotional vomiting rooted in judgment. Also notice the lack of criticism.” !
When we are born again, we are just that…completely a new creature in Christ. He takes our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh, “having the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead dwells in us. We are no longer “wicked” we are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. “9You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you”….”and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.””Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
In Matt. 15, Jesus is explaining a parable to the disciples that he has spoken to the Pharisees, not the righteous. When we sin, we actually go against the new nature God has given us. We have a new heart. The reason we sin is because of our unrenewed mind which needs to be washed with the water of the word. Because in his death, in our death in baptism into his life, we are resurrected to newness of His life, the old is passed away, the new has come.
Liar? Somehow I feel that is a misnomer, since we are coming at this as believers. I am a person who has difficulty processing emotion quickly, especially when it is expected verbally. Sometimes, I simply cannot articulate what I am experiencing. I am an introvert, I prefer writing to speaking. God demonstrates both, logos and Rhema word. I don’t feel it mandatory to speak at times, when it may be easier to articulate what I am experiencing if I write it. It certainly saves much misunderstanding and hurt feelings. I’m not saying we should not communicate simply because we do not “feel” like it. I am saying that there is a time and a medium for it, and it is not always the same for everyone. And for the record, because my husband is auditory, I do make every effort to articulate my feelings, but frankly, that doesn’t always turn out as well as if I can more carefully think about what I need to say.
If I answer,”fine”, it is a way for me to potentially deal with the problem in my own heart…pondering, and maybe it’s me who needs to repent from resentment, anger, misdirected feelings, etc. And THAT does not need to be shared, if I get offended over something besides the sin of another person. It is an issue between God and I. No need to drag everyone else through my internal mire so long as I am faithful to reconcile my heart before my Father. Then I can more accurately discern what needs to be shared.
“I realize Iām being selfish, because I know I should be just fine with serving you guys whether you say anything nice, help me clean up, or nothing at all.” I wonder how God feels about gratitude…do you think he is fine without us giving it? Is that somehow selfish of him? I think about the 10 lepers Jesus healed…Seems to me that the selfishness is on the part of the husband and the kids.
And how about instead of being the “first to die”, we become the first to live and partake of resurrection Spirit and life. Luke 16:16 The Law and the Prophets were proclaimed until John. Since that time, the good news of the kingdom of God is being preached, and everyone is forcing his way into it.”
John played the dirge…a funeral march, Jesus played the flute…the wedding song. If we spent more time in celebrating his resurrection life, and less morning his death, feeling as though we have to die all the time, instead of enjoying his newness of life in us….our lives become a natural outpouring of that joy. And when we give up our selfishness, it becomes an act of giving life and love, not death. And that is how we act like the princesses of the Kingdom we were born to be.