Tag Archives: Respect Dare

Can She Leave Him?

Posted on May 9, 2013 | 44 Comments


She had read all the books, seen the counselor, been to the retreats and tried her best.

Yes, she had prayed. Yes, she had cried. Yes.

He still drank, womanized, was financially irresponsible, or whatever, but she felt scared and unloved and hurt.

She hurt.

What most men fail to realize is that most women want to leave to escape the pain. She does not want to leave because she doesn’t love him. She does not want to leave because she doesn’t like him.

She wants to stop hurting – either at his hand, or from his words, or by his lack of responsible adult behavior – it hurts her. And she’s hurt for too long. She does not think she can go on any longer.

So can she leave?

Ultimately, the bottom-line is that we have free choice and literally can do whatever we want to do.

Whether we divorce or not, however, often comes down to one relationship – the one we have with God.

1 John 2:3-5 (NIV) tells us: We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God’s love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

John 14:15 (NIV) Jesus says: If you love me, you will obey what I command.

In other words, if we know Him, if we love Him, we do what He says. So what does the Bible say about marriage and divorce?

Matthew 5:32 (NIV) (Jesus speaking): But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19:3-9 (NIV) Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

And if we DO divorce?

1 Corinthians 7:10-12 (NIV) To the rest I say this (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

But I married an unbeliever…

1 Corinthians 7:13-15 (ESV) And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

And if I’m widowed?

Romans 7:2 (ESV) For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage.

What does God think about divorce?

Malachi 2:16 (NIV) “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

God views marriage as a covenant, a vow, between Him and his people. There are a ton of reasons to not divorce, and it seems that if our unbelieving husband leaves us, we are freed from responsibility, or if our unbelieving husband is unwilling to live with us (which some say is represented by abuse or negligent behavior – and others say it is not), then we are allowed to divorce. We are also allowed to divorce if our husband commits adultery, which can also include pornography addiction, according to Christ. Remember, however, that Christ said it is the hardness of our hearts for which these things were allowed. It is God’s heart for us to not break the vow with Him, however, unless we want to come under condemnation. He has made an alotment because of adultery and our husband’s unbelief.  Know that doesn’t make it easy, however, even if we  do divorce.

For a more detailed discussion, please read Family Life Ministry’s Dennis Rainey article. Pay attention to the description one woman gives of her divorce – I don’t know anyone who has divorced who hasn’t said similar things (or their kids have)…

Know also, that even though it says you shouldn’t leave in 1 Corinthians 7:11, if you do, it is for the purpose of restoration.

Also, remember God’s purposes for our lives in 1 Corinthians 7:16 (ESV) How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

You may be the only Jesus your husband ever sees.

And this life will be filled with troubles – the goal is not happiness, but joy in the midst of difficulty.  And, boy, this is super hard, especially when you are in a painful marriage.

And if you ARE considering divorce, please consider Matthew 18 first.  And please be in tight communion with God – so you do what is right in His eyes and have His strength to get through it.

Love to you,

~Nina

What about you? Have I missed anything? How does this issue impact you right now?


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Have You Suffered?

Posted on May 8, 2013 | 11 Comments

It started when I was eight years old.

I remember making fun of a boy in my class. He and his friends followed me from school that day. I only made it half-way home before they grabbed me. The pack of three of them took turns pushing and spinning me between them. Dizzy, I stumbled. Fell. There was shouting.

And kicking.

That was them.

And crying.

That was me.

I ended up in a garbage can. Humiliated.

Dirty.

Bruised.

And so it began.

I tried unsuccessfully to stand up for myself at school the next day.

Recess, under the watchful eye of a teacher brought threats which were carried out when the last bell rang. I barely made it off the school grounds when they caught me.

Sometimes there were just two of them. Once, I almost made it all the way to the school, running, but one of them cut me off. They pinned me against a neighbor’s house. Hands everywhere.

Everywhere.

Each school day began and ended with fear. Inside the building, it wasn’t as bad. The ring leader simply said things to me… sexual things… things I shouldn’t know about at that age…sometimes, when the teacher wasn’t there, he and his friends touched me. Verbally stealing my innocence by filling my head with things I couldn’t even imagine but left me feeling dirty.

The bullying continued until I was around twelve.

And all I could do was run. The one time I spoke up, the boy received detention. I had slapped him in the face. He made up a story and the male teacher gave me detention too… for enticing the boy.

I was too young to be incensed at his behavior and lack of protection.

And early on, when I involved my mother, the retaliation was worse than the original bullying.

So much worse…

I quickly learned it was just best not to tell.

So I “tried God.” I figured he wouldn’t want a little kid like me to suffer like this, if He was real. So I prayed. I asked for it to stop. When that didn’t work, I asked for us to move, or for the other kids to move. When that didn’t work, I prayed to die. “And if I die before I wake” became, “Please let me die instead of wake,” for my bedtime prayers.

And yet I lived.

So at the age of twelve, I decided that God was not real and became an atheist.

I couldn’t believe that a loving God would allow that kind of suffering from one who turned to Him for help.

And four years later, when I was sixteen, I went to majorette camp.

I’ll never forget the closing ceremonies, and the motivational speaker I’d come to deeply admire and respect over the week. I agreed with everything he said. And he spoke of having hope, and purpose, and that we really were important as individuals – that our lives mattered. His words breathed life into the long-dying embers of the fire of life within me. I felt encouraged.

And then he closed his talk with, “but none of this even begins to compare to living life for the Audience of One, Jesus Christ. The greatest joy known to man is serving God.”

What?

My cage rattled. How could he believe this? I didn’t know what to think and struggled with those closing words for many years.

At age 22, I finally decided to marry – and this was another man I deeply admired and respected. And he was a believer, also. And so much so that he wouldn’t marry me unless I believed as well.

So again, I gave God “a try.”

…and here we are.

And now, I thank God for the troubles of those early days.

Admittedly, at first I thought it cost me much to be thankful for those things, but now I see it cost me nothing. It was all gain, though I did not see at the time. The hardest truth to learn for all of us that follow Him is to be thankful in the midst of suffering. To claim joy in the middle of sorrow is so hard – we want to cling tightly to ourselves, to protect. But God means it all for good, in order to bring out His results, through the fabric of our lives.

Joy and thankfulness are not emotions that we feel, but rather actions of obedience that we take.

A spoiled, selfish child made tougher and humbler for service by the rough treatment of mean others gently offers these things humbly to you. There is no looking up without bowed knee. There is no honor without being brought low first. There is no question of will we suffer? But rather when will we? And will we dig in our heels and demand rescue with the sword, or will we graciously endure, with thankful hearts for the learning He has orchestrated for us? Will we teach those in our care the blessing of gratitude in the midst of suffering? The lessons are not mine to choose, merely my response is the option.

I don’t pretend to be perfect at this life, but I am honestly thankful for the stronger-tender heart the suffering created. What those boys meant for evil, God used as good to make me stronger – a different, hopefully better mom, one with deep relationship with my children, and healthy ways of dealing with wrongs – at least some if not most of the time. And if I don’t believe that He allowed it, knowing the outcome, then my God is weak and not worthy of my worship.

1 Chronicles 7:14 (ESV)

If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

John 16:33 (NASB)

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Psalm 23:4 (NASB)

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

1 Peter 5:6 (NASB)

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

Today, I humbly and gently suggest this dare, knowing fully that some of us haven’t fully healed enough to do it…but here goes… dare you to offer thanks for the sufferings of the past. Ask Him to reveal the blessings brought to you in the midst of the hardship. Double dog dare you to recognize that the current hardship you endure is intended for good, as well. Perhaps it will give you a new perspective. He’s working out our testimonies, one hardship at a time, birthing ministry from tears and pain. Join me, won’t you? Willingly go to knees in obedience and worship, asking for His guidance and teaching and joy in thankfulness of what we can’t even see now… can we trust Him that much? 


If I had online tissues, I’d be handing them out here today. It’s one of those days where I somewhat reluctantly do what I feel led to do, but tentatively, wincing with the knowledge of the high cost of what He asks of us…and honestly, part of me is just waiting.  Waiting to hear from my sisters who have suffered. Wondering how those poor women in upper Ohio survived the torture and torment of the last ten years. Praying to see Mercy revealed even in the midst of that horror… praying to SEE…

Love to you,

~Nina


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Feel Taken for Granted?

Posted on May 7, 2013 | 3 Comments

My daughter explained to me the difficulty of auditioning for a lead in a musical yesterday. “It’s harder when you know the director. It’s like you’ve messed up already in front of her, so why try your best? I always work harder when it’s someone new, that’s why I always do better.”

Clueless as to how her young heart embraced familiarity and discouragement, I launched into coaching. “Do you think that’s what God would want or what that other guy would want?”

“Well, Satan, of course, but I don’t know why,” she said.

“Do you know that this is the same thing that trips people up in marriage?” I asked.

She looked at me confused. “How?”

“We think we know someone super-well, so we think we know what he’s thinking. We think, ‘We’ll always be married,’ so we stop trying our best. Or we think, ‘I’ve already messed up, so why try my best?’ and we get lazy. We stop trying hard. What do you think God wants us to do in our marriage?”

“Do our best!” she said.

“Exactly. And my guess is that this is the same in your relationship with your brothers, and with Dad and me… but we really all should be trying our best with those closest to us, right?” I asked. “So you should give your director your best audition, because you know her, not the opposite, right? And besides, you know you should be doing your best regardless of what you do or who it’s for, because you are really doing it for God.”

“Hmmm… Yeah. I forgot that,” she said, running off to practice for the audition.

I couldn’t remember the reference or the wording at the time, but today, here’s what I’m sharing with her from Colossians 3:23 (ISV):

Whatever you do, work at it wholeheartedly as though you were doing it for the Lord and not merely for people.

Hebrews 10:29 (NKJV) says we are in deep trouble if we take for granted what Christ has done for us: Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace?

Mark 6:6 has Jesus wondering at the lack of respect and ingratitude towards Him in His own town of Nazareth, when He began His ministry.

Are we guilty?

Dare you today to combat the lies of this world and the disrespect that comes with familiarity by being grateful.

There’s no room for misery in a heart overflowing with thankfulness.

Count your blessings – here or on Facebook with us today, or in a notebook daily on your kitchen counter or office desk, capturing the many blessings of this life. In Daughters of Sarah, we call this activity, “Gratitudes.” It’s one of the big life-changing and marriage-overhauling exercises in The Respect Dare book – especially the way God had us do it.

Start now – you’ll find that even the hard eucharisteo of suffering includes blessing – you’ll see it if you start with the obvious things we humans label as “good.”

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Psalms 107:1 O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good: for his mercy endures forever.

Psalms 118:24 This is the day which the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalms 136:1 O give thanks to the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endures forever.

John 11:41 Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I thank you that you have heard me.

Ephesians 5:20 Giving thanks always for all things to God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;

Colossians 3:17 And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.

Having a thankful heart produces a life of gratitude and joy, which is the opposite of discouragement. If you have trouble with this concept, read Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. But regardless, start counting. I’ve noticed a difference in my ability to stay out of the pit by doing this. Dare you to join me.

The enemy has little traction in a life filled with gratitude.

Double dog dare you to share and comment as a Titus 2 woman of influence, encouraging others to do the same. We can facilitate this environment in our homes – and change everyone’s experiences…seriously. Dare ya.

So glad you are here!
Love to you,

~Nina

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But He Treats Me with Disrespect!

Posted on May 6, 2013 | 22 Comments



One of my sons had become extremely bossy of late, demanding I take him here and there, and one day, when we pulled into the driveway, he commanded, “Be ready in ten minutes, and I’m hungry, make me a sandwich!”

Hmm…I wondered if aliens had abducted him and replaced his brain with someone else’s. We don’t treat each other like that here.

Thank you, Father, for this opportunity.

Knowing that teenagers are frequently in phases of hormonal flux, I chose to not take his behavior personally.

I sensed the Lord’s prompting for a teachable moment, and instead of carrying out his request, I went upstairs, lay down on my bed, and started reading a magazine.

He burst into my room, “We have to leave! We’re going to be late!!! What are you doing? Where’s my sandwich?!”

Oh my. Father, help me be your love to this man/boy.

It was time to push the “reset” button.

“Baby, I love it that you have all these friends and fun things to do. I usually like to take you the places you need to go, and I love to see you spend time with your peeps. I have noticed that you have been increasingly bossy the last few weeks, and though I’ve talked to you about this a few times, you haven’t changed your behavior. As a result, I’m not going to make you a sandwich, nor am I going to drive you over to your friend’s house. You can go, but I won’t be the one getting you there. If you want to walk, that’s fine.”

His mouth fell open, eyes wide. “But…”

Then I got up and left my room, and went out the front door to get the mail.

(Because men need space to “chew” on information… to process.)

When I came back in, he was waiting for me. “You’re right, mom. I’ve been really rude and bossy. I’m sorry. I haven’t been respectful and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. It must make you feel like I take you for granted. I really appreciate your driving me around and stuff. Will you forgive me?”

“Of course, I forgive you. Thank you for understanding how I feel. I do feel taken for granted. I don’t want to feel that way in our relationship, and your apology and how you treat me in the future will impact that. Thank you,” I replied.

“So can we go?” he asked.

“Honey, you can go, but I’m not going to drive you over there. Let’s see how things go and maybe tomorrow or the next day I’ll feel like driving you around again,” I said.

“But you forgave me. I’m confused,” he said.

“I do forgive you – but there are consequences,” I said. “I do love you, too, you know.”

He managed to talk his friend’s mom into coming to get him, and when he returned, he was a kinder, more respectful, gentler young man.

…

His friend’s mom made a decision to come get him, and that decision was hers to make. I chose not to worry about the imposition. I have also driven my sons friends around, so I understand these things.

What is interesting is that there is a line we walk daily as we interact with this world.

The line is between respecting the temple of the Holy Spirit (ourselves) and serving other people. Dare you to develop your relationship with God such that you know what it looks like, and you know how to handle the situations that present themselves to you daily. If you do this you’ll be wise to the enemy’s lies that you are a doormat when you serve or domineering when you gently, respectfully help others treat you with dignity.

Dare you to understand that contrary to much of the teaching out there in Christiandom, this applies in marriage and is not contrary to the concepts of submission and respect. I know someone is going to take me to task on this one, but I dare you to show me the scriptures that say otherwise. Prove to me that women are second class citizens compared to men. That notion is rubbish.

Double dog dare you to ask God to teach you how this plays out in your own life…

Glad you are on the journey with us! It’s more cozy with you here.

Love to you,

~Nina

What about you? What have you been taught? Do you help others respect you? Does it influence how you serve? How do you struggle with “the line?”

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