Tag Archives: non-Christian marriage

What Makes You Defensive is Often a Lie…

Posted on May 12, 2011 | 5 Comments

Sometimes the only exercise we get is jumping to conclusions.

But when we land, we will frequently land on our spouse’s heart – because all too often, conclusions are wrong.

And the Bible is pretty clear about how we are to engage in conflict.

Matthew 7:15 tells us not to judge, yet we do anyway, assuming the worst from the person we’re in conflict with.  Time and time again, I keep seeing each person in a conflict make an assumption that is wrong – then react to that assumption.  And then the cycle starts – and it’s ALL based on lies.  True, some conflicts are grounded in true differences of opinion.  But, even within those, we judge and make conclusions and then end up in the midst of something painful, sometimes damaging a relationship. Two common misconceptions are pervasive:  1) I feel bad, therefore someone other than me is responsible for how I feel, and 2) I know what you are thinking when you say that thing that hurt me.  I have yet to see a conflict situation where someone practices “reflective listening” go badly.

We have to start looking at “defensiveness” as a “cue” to seek Truth.

Instead of a reason to argue and defend ourselves.

So ask a question.  Reflect back to your husband what you think he is saying.  When we do this (see yesterday’s post http://ninaroesner.wordpress.com/2011/05/10/how-to-calm-down-an-angry-husband/), we diffuse the emotion.  We act like grown ups.  We resolve conflicts well.

And we honor God.

And our marriages then represent Christ and His church.

We are looking for an army of women who are interested in becoming “relationship architects” by answering the call of becoming godly wives.

Are you in?

Dare ya.

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, Random Thoughts

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the respect dare … and little things

Posted on June 15, 2009 | Comments Off

A young man with whom I am well acquainted and I had a rather disturbing discussion.  Without being too specific, let’s just say that an incident occured in which a lack of common sense resulted in a small catastrophe.  I realize that individuals under the age of 25 are lacking in the frontal lobe (common sense) development department, however the wisdom of GOD appeared in that moment and I remembered the proverb which essentially tells us that if we are responsible in the little things, we can be trusted with bigger ones. 

He said to me, “Why do you care about this?  It’s a little thing.”  I said to him, “It is precisely that reason that I do care.  How can I trust you to think through the possible outcomes when driving a car, if you won’t do that with something small like this?  Your track record needs to get established now, or you’ll be an 18 year old whose Mom is still driving him around.”

That of course, to a teenager, is a fate worse than death.

Thankfully, I’m not a “naggy-momma” and am careful about what I choose to offer constructive feedback about – all the while making sure my words are typically peppered with much love, grace and encouragement.  All that to say, he paid close attention to this feedback.

I happened to think later about all the things God entrusts into our hands, and how when we are faithful and take good care of what He gives us, He entrusts us with more.  A lightbulb went off in my head, and the blinding light of revelation of truth suddenly made the last four years of my life make sense.  I have often wondered why ministry work has been so much harder than the secular business stuff I used to do.  I have often wondered when or if it would become easier. 

As of today, I no longer wonder.  I am happy things are hard still.  Why?  Because as my capacity to handle more increases, so does what He gives me to handle.  If it were getting easier, it would probably mean He’s giving me less and I’m not demonstrating the ability to take care of what He’s given me.  So I need to have the right perspective, looking back to the days before I started to remind myself just how far He’s brought me.  This enables me to literally, “Count it all joy,” like the apostle Paul so wisely recommends.

What’s that got to do with respecting our husbands?  It’s really simple.  We need to continue to plow ahead in His perfect strength, and measure our progress with the yardstick butted up to where we were before we started growing, not against yesterday.  We humans are such short sighted beings, desiring of immediate gratification, even in the growth department.  We need to have God’s perspective – and intend to stay in marriage for the long haul, doing whatever it takes each day.  

And recognize that it might not seem easier, but that in and of itself is probably actually a good thing.

So, measure your growth in supernatural terms…from before you even heard of the concept of respect!

Dare ya.

Blessings,

Nina

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Posted in Growing, Kids & Parenting, Learnings

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the respect dare … and His blessings

Posted on June 11, 2009 | 2 Comments

After the morning run today, and after filling my head (and heart) with His Word, I rested near our garden pond and listened to the water cascading over the rocks into the water.  Glancing back toward the house, I caught an interesting reflection in the large bay windows.  The reflection of a large stand of trees behind our house filled the windows, and as the breeze blew the branches around, I could catch small glimpses of sunlight breaking through the leaves.  What amazed me was how blindingly bright these pinpricks of light were, so much so in fact, that I couldn’t even look at them for more than a second. 

It occured to me in that moment two things; first, our minds can only partially comprehend even the smallest portion of God’s glory, and when we see it, it’s often blinding and we cannot keep our gaze upon it.  More on that in a moment.  Second, even a reflection of His glory (what we are designed to be) can have that kind of impact. 

Regarding the first point, I think of John.  He knew Jesus.  He walked, ate, served, and prayed with him for three years, and yet in Revelation, when John saw Jesus in His glory, what was his response?  He fell on his face, overwhelmed with the glory of God in Jesus.  Even a guy classified as one of Jesus’ tight friends could only comprehend so much.  And what He saw blew him away.  I also think of Saul who became Paul.  His encounter with the risen Jesus left him blinded.  And the transformation in his life was obvious – from persecutor to follower. 

In thinking about the second point, I believe it is directly connected to the first.  In other words, are our own lives so transformed by our relationship with the living God, that we are a blinding reflection of His character, love, goodness and power?  Are we daily stepping outside our comfort zone because of what He has done for us – or are we still stuck in the quagmire of mediocrity, drowning in our own covetous nature, focusing on the things of this world, living a “safe” little life?  Or are we taking risks for His glory and fulfilling the purposes He has planned for us while we’re on this little rock? 

And in our marriages, are we choosing to risk it all by following God’s Word, completely, wholely forever, or do we decide to “give this respect thing a try,” then give up when it’s still hard three days, three weeks, three months or three years later?  Honestly, it took nearly seven years for me to be able to look back and see the difference that God has made through the application of respect in our marriage.  The transformation?  Going from being good friends to deeply intimate confidantes who are permanently and irrevocably committed to each other.

Bottom Line:  The race is long.  Run it well, knowing it isn’t over until the day of your last breath this side of heaven.

Dare you to ask God to reveal to you and confirm His purpose for your life. 

Double-dog-dare you to follow it.

Blessings,

Nina

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Posted in Growing, Learnings

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the respect dare… for non-Christians

Posted on June 5, 2009 | Comments Off

So today, I had a discussion with someone at great length about how she can’t possibly respect her husband – he needs to earn it, he hasn’t done anything worthy of it…etc.  Problem is that she’s not a Christian, so I had to approach her from a different angle…she didn’t want to hear anything about God’s point of view in the matter.  In a nutshell, here’s what I told her:

Research done at Washington State University indicates that a relationship can be held together and grow intimacy based on something called, “small turnings.” These are little things that couples do to communicate interest, compassion, care, kindness, etc. that facilitate the growth of trust. There is also a body of research that demonstrates that ONE person can turn a relationship around – so based on what we know about physiological brain differences and communication behaviors associated with gender, if the man begins to demonstrate these “small turnings,” the woman feels loved and responds in kind. If the woman demonstrates small turnings, the man feels – get this: respected. Research conducted as recently as 2003 demonstrates that men would rather feel respected by their spouse than loved by them.
Obviously if both partners are working on the relationship, change occurs at a more rapid rate. In my own marriage, I have seen mutual respect emerge once I began the small turnings, and specifically started asking my husband, “What communicates respect to you?” I have coached CEO’s and executives around the country, but my own hubby wouldn’t come to me for counsel or help with public speaking, until I got the respect piece right. I think by communicating that I respected him, he then in turn, respected me and I’ve become one of his most trusted advisors. We were married for 10 years before I started to figure that out, and now, at 18 years, I can’t believe the difference it has made.

Obviously whoever is the most grown up and the best communicator in the relationship should start the small turnings.

Honestly, based on the research I’ve read and what I’ve seen in the workshops, it’s my take away that the concept of “trust” is the foundation of all solid marriages – the really amazing thing is that for the most part, men experience this trust via the language of respect, and women experience this trust typically through the language of love. When both partners learn to speak the other person’s language, obviously it’s at that point that the relationship really blossoms.

Said a different way, I have a son who is a very “kinesthetic learner” – it’s easier for him to hear my communication when I speak it in his natural language. He is learning how to be more flexible, too, but communication occurs most easily between us when I speak his language. As the more mature person in the relationship, obviously I should be taking those steps to guide and teach him. In a marriage, because women are more verbal and statistically more relationship oriented than men, I encourage wives to deepen the intimacy because they are already more equipped to do so.

I pray this is a dialogue that continues and draws her nearer to Christ.  After all, God’s Word is true, regardless of the context, right?  :)  

What do YOU think?

Blessings to you,

Nina

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Posted in Learnings, Wives

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