Tag Archives: men

Tired of Having to Do it ALL in Your Family?

Posted on March 23, 2012 | 15 Comments

Last night I spoke to a group of women who were starting a Respect Dare group. Before they launched into the book, they wanted to know what to expect…

We don’t have enough time to cover all that this morning, but suffice it to say, what I told them wasn’t on their radars.

These women are tired (exhausted, really!) of “doing it all,” and they “feel like they have to take care of everything because their husbands won’t.”

This is a common thing I hear.

And like most other wives, they don’t know what they don’t know.

I remember being like that.

And I still am.

So why judge? :)

And sometimes I still judge my husband, even though the Bible is clear that I am not supposed to do so. I am to walk along side this man, because he is my brother, and be his friend.

I’ve been told and research shows that men have to learn to take initiative – and our culture teaches us that WE women are the only ones who are competent – so WE need to take charge.

With the exception of the movies, “Courageous,” and “Fireproof,” when is the last time you saw a man who had a brain who took initiative?

Our media paints men as bumbling idiots who aren’t worthy of anything but disdain.

Ooooh…careful, they are precious to God…just like we are…is this how you want your little boys to go through life?

And yes, I know what this exhausted feeling is like – but what if we don’t know something? What if we are getting in the way of God’s efforts to grow our husband and lead our family?

What if instead of building our homes, we are tearing it down with our own hands?

What if we’re just like Eve in the garden?

Remember, Adam was right there with her. And said nothing as she engaged the serpent and picked the fruit. Not even a gentle, “Baby, we shouldn’t do this.”

I wonder if they’d had the discussion about disobeying God about 10 times already … or disagreed about other things so much that Adam had become passive.

It takes a while for a man to become so beaten down he gives up.

I just wonder…

But what do we do? SOMEONE needs to be in charge of our families, right? And if he won’t, we have to, right? I mean, allowing the ship to float without a rudder is dangerous, right?

There are a number of ways we get in God’s and our husbands’ way…

  • Preventing natural consequences (letting the water or power be shut off or the car fall apart, for example) aka “rescuing” or “enabling”
  • Not helping in a gentle way (reminding him of an upcoming appointment)
  • And yes, those two above seem contradictory – there is no formula, so THIS one applies – Not knowing God well enough to know what He wants from us in a given moment (and this one applies to the whole “list”)
  • Keeping other men’s voices from him (pitching hissy fits when he spends time with his buddies – not encouraging him to serve with other men, etc.)
  • Avoiding walking into conflict in a loving way when God wants us to help him to see the impact he has on our family (see Matthew 18)
  • Not overlooking an insult (Proverbs 19:11) and letting him know constantly about all his imperfections so he is discouraged
  • And yes, again, those two are seemingly contradictory, but once again, there is no formula, so KNOW God so you know what to do
  • Not being encouraging and valuing him as a person
  • Constantly criticizing, complaining, nagging, and even incessant talking, about all the things going as if he were a girlfriend, so he has no idea what’s important – in other words, create so much noise in your marriage he’s overwhelmed with information (as if the internet, radio, tv, and other media need our help in overwhelming him!)
  • And more, feel free to add them in comments…

What if God wants us wives to be patient, kind, not jealous, not bragging, not arrogant, not acting unbecomingly; not self-seeking, not provoked, and not keeping an account of wrongs, but rejoices in Truth, bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things and enduring all things, never failing…as THAT is what it means to love? What if with our husbands, we do all these things in a respectful and honoring way, out of obedience to God, instead of waiting for this guy who is a sinner just like us to somehow “earn” our respect, as if we could “earn” his love? Check Ephesians 5:33. There’s no earning. It’s a commandment. Love your wives. Respect your husbands.

And what if there’s no way we can do these things on our own…what if those are supernatural activities, so we must be filled with the Holy Spirit… by reading, praying, and submitting to God, and if what if when we pursue God and obey His Word, we get out of His way, allowing HIM to steer our boat – what if THEN we no longer have to be exhausted, but rather can find REST in knowing that God is in control…and that come what may, Jesus is on the boat with us…

Do we really believe what we say we believe?

Will we love God enough to obey His Word and know Him well enough to know when He wants natural consequences to occur, and when we are to help – and what that specifically looks like?

Will we trust Him, even when the outcome of what He leads us to do goes “badly” in our judgment? Which may even be wrong in the first place?  Will we love this man like Christ, or just other people? What if the only Jesus our husband ever sees is us?

Will we obey what he tells us?

Dare you today to trust God.

If you can’t, Dare you to simply say, “I don’t get it, I don’t know how to get it… please help me get it…please help me trust You…teach me, I’m desperate to learn…” and He will.

You might not like how He goes about it, but with the Lord, if He’s chosen you, your only remaining option is this: learn it the easy way with a pliable, teachable heart, or learn it the hard way, through continued difficulties beyond what you can handle without crying out to Him.

Some encouragement for you: Psalm 107

And one more thing – I fully understand how you feel, and your fear at letting go of the control. Know that God will use everyone and everything and all sorts of difficulties to reach you and your husband. I am living proof that if we will but trust Him, know Him, and stay out of His way, we will have a peace that surpasses understanding. We will have joy in the midst of difficulties. We will have a richness in our life that is indescribable.

I want this for you! J

So does He, because He loves you so very much.

Love to you, thankful to be on this journey with you,

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Pain?, Growing, Learnings, That Guy We Journey With

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Driving Under the Influence of Anger…

Posted on June 30, 2011 | 1 Comment

I apologized to my husband for driving into the side of the garage.

Acting childishly, and furious at him over something stupid (and not the point of this blog, so I won’t go into it), I hastily pulled away, paying no attention to the enormous dwelling next to the vehicle, clipping the brick and nailing the corner of the van.

So for the last several months, we decorated and secured the front fender with duct tape.

And God used this situation to teach me a ton of things about marriage. Like what “one flesh” can look like in the midst of sin.

I have to admit it’s not the most attractive thing to drive:

And honestly, I really don’t care what I drive. Someday, I’ll own a Ford Mustang Convertible… but for now, I chauffeur children, pets, sports and musical equipment.

So yesterday, while I was on my way to a meeting, my husband called, wanting to know if I was doing anything that afternoon.

Uh-Oh.

I asked him what he needed, and he let me know he had found a used van to replace our high mileage-and-damaged old one.

Oh.

He needed the duct-tape clad vehicle detailed so he could see what he could get for it from the used car dealer.

He wanted to come home in a few hours to get it.

I paused.

And I thought.

Then made a decision.

I chose to turn around and go home and spend the next three hours detailing the van.

He thanked me profusely for doing this. I called and explained myself to our Operations Director, who, because she is a grown up and holds the same values that I do (especially the one about “family and husband comes first over ministry meetings”) understood completely and encouraged me.

And God blessed me for my choice through a phone call from a friend, so I wasn’t working alone.

So while I made the wrong choice initially (to be angry enough at another to be careless enough to damage our property), I felt like I had been given a second chance to right the wrong. Yes, I had apologized to my husband for smashing the van. Yes, I told my children what I had done and why it was wrong, and asked their forgiveness as well. But instead of acting like a put-out spoiled brat, inconvenienced by my hub’s desire to replace the above vehicle, I embraced an opportunity and chose to think about the situation and my husband as God would see both.

And what did I see?

My hub just wanted to bless me. There was nothing about his communication that said, “You owe me this. This is your fault in the first place.” He was interacting with me in a healthy-adult way, allowing me the freedom to make my own choices. And because I realized that, I could have said, “No, I have a meeting,” and he would have figured something else out. Instead, I chose to be part of “team Roesner,” just like my husband was doing. And I remembered months ago, instead of being angry at me about how I had damaged the van, he accepted my apology, replaced the lights, and repeatedly checked and replaced the duct tape for me. But most importantly, he didn’t hold a grudge. He acted like a grown up and moved on.

God showed me those things. I probably wouldn’t have seen them on my own.

So, while I don’t care what I drive, I choose to feel blessed because my knight in shining armor delivered a new-to-us chariot to his princess last night, in her very favorite color in the whole world:

And this morning, when the Lord shared Proverbs 30:33 with me:

For the churning of milk produces butter, and pressing the nose brings forth blood; so the churning of anger produces strife.

I saw what could have been, and so often is, the reality for too many people.

Strife.

Because of churning. Holding onto grudges, letting things fester, blaming others, etc.

And humbly, I recognize how even sin handled well produces blessing.

I don’t deserve this gift.

And I’m not talking about the van.

I’m talking about my husband’s gracious attitude and gentle care of me in the midst of it all.

I don’t deserve Jesus, either, and yet, when we accept the gift, proclaim Him as Lord, and then start living our lives for Him alone, those around us are influenced and do likewise. Undeserved grace is what I received from my Lord and my husband.

Dare you to trust Him enough this morning to do likewise… He really does know best. His ways are always perfect.

AND… Double-Dog-Dare you to read the rest of Proverbs 30 to see what other nuggets He has for you this day: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs%2030&version=NASB

Glad to be on the journey with you!

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, Growing, Wives

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the respect dare – and a lack of respect

Posted on August 13, 2009 | 1 Comment

Picking up Christmas wrapping on my hands and knees, marveling at the lack of effort from anyone else in my family, I seethed with anger and resentment.  Masters degree, fabulous part-time career (that could have been full time if I had wanted it) three great kids, house in the suburbs,  and I felt like all my husband thought I was good for was being his personal maid.  Tears silently dripped down my cheeks as I moved from chore to chore, sleep deprived with a 3 month old baby, worn out from breast-feeding issues involving severe pain, overwhelmed with laundry, meals, holiday preparations and exhaustion from raising a kindergardener and preschooler while Jim was traveling for work. 

“Are you crying?” my husband asked me.  I simply stared at him.  I couldn’t speak because I knew there would be nothing edifying or encouraging that would come out of my mouth.  “What’s wrong?” he prodded. 

As recently as a year prior, I would have launched into a tirade about all that needed to be done and how no one was helping me do it.

This time, however, God had been dragging me, kicking and screaming, through a study on Biblical submission.  I didn’t have a clue how to express my feelings without being angry.  But I did know enough to keep my mouth shut.  And that’s what I said.  “I can’t say anything nice right now, so I’m not saying anything.” 

I didn’t speak to Jim for an entire week.

When I did, all I said was, “I need your help getting the house ready for Adam’s birthday party this weekend.  It’s a mess from the holidays and I would like to take a nap while the baby’s asleep for the next few days.  Will you help me?”  “Sure, can you give me a list of what you want done?” came the reply.  I wrote down a list of things, went upstairs and went to bed.  When I came down, it was all done.

My first thought was, “I’m an idiot. I’ve been expecting him to read my mind or just see what needs to be done.”  My second thought was, “He’s a good-natured and good-willed guy.  If I am specific and just ask, he will help me.” 

The problem with this culture is that we are bombarded with messages that communicate all sorts of wrong things about men.  And women.  And the way we are supposed to interact.  If we will but choose to love God with all our heart, mind and soul, we will desire to be pleasing to Him by obeying His Word.  Ephesians 5:31-33 gives us volumes of applicable marital advice and instruction about growing our faith.  This thing called “marriage” is not about our happiness.  It’s about Christ and the church.  Husbands are to love their wives, laying down their lives for them, just like Christ did for the church.  Wives are to respect and submit to their husband’s authority, just like the church should do for Christ.  Never are we more like Jesus than when we are loving and respecting those who don’t deserve it. 

None of us – not one - deserve what Christ did for us.  But because of His sacrifice, if we truly love God, we can learn to be like Jesus by loving or respecting our spouse.  Even when they don’t deserve it.

My marriage is amazing now.  Not because my husband has changed all that much (although he is working on communicating love to me in a way I can hear it more easily), but because we both understand what God’s intentions are for marriage and we both love Him more than we love each other, so we’re more able to extend grace to each other, especially when we don’t deserve it.  Learning how to communicate more effectively with my husband and understand him better has made all the difference in the world.  

We both have God’s peace and joy in our marriage – which outranks the world’s “happiness” any day!

Just so you know, one of my purposes on the planet, the work I do for God, is all about helping others in what they are called to do.  It’s why I wrote the book and why we created Daughters of Sarah.  If you want help on your journey of becoming like Jesus within the context of your marriage, I pray you’ll join us in the online e-course for The Respect Dare or Daughters at Hope Church in Mason, Ohio, this fall.  With all the influences in our culture, we want to help wives who love God grow in their walk such that they truly and deeply experience the peace and joy God intends for us who love Him. 

Bottom Line:  To get intimacy with our husbands, we need intimacy with God.  And marriage dramatically matters to Him, to us, and to our kids. 

Dare you to pick holiness over happiness today!  The long-term end result is peace and joy.

Nina

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Posted in Got Pain?, Learnings, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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the respect dare … where are the men?

Posted on June 9, 2009 | 3 Comments

Being originally from Montana, the rugged camp environment spoke volumes to my soul and love of the outdoors.  I eagerly addressed a group of camp counselors at a well-known, highly rated Christian summer camp in “the lodge.”  As I watched the group trickle in from an activity where they had climbed to the top of a pole, stood at the very top, then jumped (safely tethered, of course), an overwhelming realization took shape in front of me.  In this rustic environment, only 20% of the camp counselors were men.  Which then meant, that due to counselor-to-camper ratios, only 20% of the summer camp kids in attendance would be boys. 

I was stunned.

We did a number of leadership training activities and some public speaking exercises, and we all had a blast.  On the second day, I asked one of the leaders what the story was with the missing gender.  

“Men typically feel like church/religion/whatever is too feminine.  We just can’t get them here,” came the reply.  His comment struck a chord with me.  I’ve long felt as though the societal pendulum has swung far enough onto the side of the girls. 

Susan Pinker, in her book, The Social Paradox, quotes research that demonstrates boys dropping out of school at nearly twice the rate of girls, describing school as a waste of time, and handing in less homework.   In recent years, a number of studies have emerged, illuminating the disparity between educational success between the genders – with the boys falling behind.  This lack of interest and attendance is also represented in the church, with an overwhelming growing percentage of attendees being women. 

There is much written on this topic, but I’d encourage those of you raising boys or married to the grown up version of one, a man, to consider this question:  When’s the last time you heard anyone say, “Men are amazing!?”  And what’s going to happen to our society if we don’t start communicating that?  We women should be strong enough to be able to pay another gender a compliment, build them up via respect, and as a TEAM, move forward to impact the world.

Oh, wait, wasn’t that God’s idea? 

Dare ya to do a little internet research on “Why men hate church” and “Boys versus girls academic achievement.”

What conclusions do YOU draw?  More importantly, what do you think we can DO about it?  Further info is here:  http://www.cnn.com/2011/10/04/opinion/bennett-men-in-trouble/index.html

Dare you to subscribe, comment, or share!   Double Dog Dare you to impact the life of a modern day knight in a positive way…encourage your boys to become real men…not abusive, arrogant, or rude, but MEN, worthy of honor and respect. 

Blessings,

Nina

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Posted in Kids & Parenting, Learnings, Random Thoughts

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