Tag Archives: marriage

For Wives…Both Young and The Not-So-Young…

Posted on February 22, 2013 | 2 Comments

I wept as I read this beautiful woman’s testimony…. And I thought of the young bride reading this…at the potential. And I wept for the long-married woman who struggled for decades. I prayed she would know it is NEVER too late…

Enjoy. And please share with young women – they are wanting to get married at higher percentages than a decade ago, but men are marrying at a decreasing rate…I believe if we learn to speak the language earlier, it can prevent much and create many opportunities. Her name is Leah, and she’s done “The Respect Dare” a few times…

This is her story…

…

I guess being in the Army and going through the dares again and the new dares really got me thinking and I wrote this. It’s long. It rambles. I feel like God has really impressed on my heart to share it. That’s why I’m shaking. And almost crying as I share this with you.

I hope you will take it as what it is intended to be – a humble submission from someone who deeply appreciates the work you do for wives. I have copied and pasted it below.

Sister in Christ,

Leah

___________________________________

Hey Young Wife. Yeah, you. I have a secret for you. I have some information that no one let you in on. It’s not brand new information, certainly, but it’s not something that a lot of us are taught. It’s called Respect and it comes straight from the Bible. Ephesians 5:33 to be exact.

Let me rewind for a minute because you probably think I need to give myself some credibility. And I would agree.

I have been married almost 3 years. And when I started working on Respect, I was a Young Wife (like I’m SOO experienced now, right? – the two kids kind of change my definition of myself, but that’s for later). Before my husband and I got married, a book was recommended to me by my father, a pastor. He said that he hadn’t read it from cover to cover, but that he had sat in on several talks about it and read a number of excerpts. It’s called “Love and Respect,” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and it is based on the passage from Ephesians that I referenced above. At the same time, my husband and I were listening to a sermon series that he had found years before on how to improve marriage by looking through the Song of Solomon.

What I found immediately interesting is this: while Love and Respect showed that both the husband and the wife have a distinct and important role, the sermon series very much focused on what husbands were missing in their marriages (this is not the Song of Solomon’s fault, as I have read it many times and see nothing but love and respect represented, but rather the lack of something from the sermon series).

These things got me really thinking. After my husband read the book, he and I discussed at length the information from the book. He liked the practical applications. But he was frankly burned out by his whole life hearing how husbands needed to step it up. And that was it. That was going to make a marriage better.

That got me REALLY thinking. I mean my husband is truly one of the most gracious, patient, loving, generous, humble, and godly men I have ever known. And not just in our marriage; he treats everyone this way. So if he communicates to me that this to him doesn’t make a whole marriage, then I know enough to listen.

And that’s just it, isn’t it? By preaching at men (and seriously, the resources for men on the subject seem astronomical while the resources to women seem lacking), what women hear from our culture and hear from our churches tend not to be all that different.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I know there are churches out there beating submission into their wives and telling them to become doormats. And I’m not talking about that either.

What I am talking about is my half of the equation – the respect portion. When I read that book, it spoke to me. It was like God grabbed me by the face and said, “My child, I have given this to you. Now use it.”

It was the scripture passage we had read at our wedding. And we emphasized the part about love and respect – both of us working together. My husband washed my feet, as Jesus did for the disciples and said that he was willing to lay down his life for me, just as Christ did for His bride.

So I started working on respecting my husband. But I’ll be really honest when I say that I had a lot of negative influences pulling me in other directions. Little things like things I’ve seen on TV, my own insecurities, and more. And there were big things too, like that little voice that said I shouldn’t have to make an effort if he wasn’t going to make an effort.

I remember doing some online shopping and wanted to find a book for us to do together. As I was looking through options, I found this devotional, a 40 day journey for women on respect called, “The Respect Dare.” It literally fell into my lap as things tend to do on Amazon. And I thought to myself that maybe this was the answer to so many quiet prayers where I was looking for mature, Christian women to speak about their marriages. I had gotten married before all of my friends and was sort of that go-to lady on beginning-of-marriage questions. And that’s great. But I didn’t have anyone walking just ahead of me to give me a hand, and I was looking. We were living in a new place, and hadn’t found a church home yet. It was a hard time. So I wanted to do this and really see more about this respect stuff.

And let me tell you – this was exactly what I needed. While I will recommend “Love and Respect” to any couple looking for something to do together, I always follow that up with “Hey, wife, check out this AMAZING resource for just you afterwards.” Because it’s real. It’s marriage. It’s not always neat and tidy. And it’s not easy. It’s work. And a choice. And a calling.

I know I’ve rambled for way too long here, but here is the heart of my lesson – young women – wives and those preparing themselves for marriage – are missing this part of their preparations. I can’t say that this is true of EVERYONE but typically if you are to pick up a book on marriage, you are already at the point where you are having decently serious problems, or you are about to have a huge change in your life – i.e. having babies, serious illness, job loss, etc. And in how our marriage timelines tend to be changing these days, I just don’t think we are doing justice to our marriages by waiting.

I started this by specifically calling to young wives – those who are engaged, just married, and any time up until having your first child. THIS IS PREVENTATIVE MEDICINE. It’s like taking a vitamin every day. It’s like eating healthy. It’s like exercising. Learning HOW to respect your husband in the earliest stages of marriage may be one of the most important steps for your marriage that you can ever make. I believe this has whole-heartedly changed things in my marriage – and for the better.

What respect is not is another tool for manipulating your husband. It is not something that you put on or do just enough to get him to do what you want. No, it’s a form of worship to the Lord who brought you together and calls you to be this kind of wife. You may not see a change in your husband at all. But I assure you, just as the Lord is working in your heart, He is working in the heart of your husband.

And I know that many couples are married for a more substantial chunk of time before they have kids today. Trust me, I know that looks I get when people ask how long my husband and I have been married and they learn we have (almost) 2 kids in 3 years of marriage. We are not normal. That is why it is imperative to take steps in your marriage. As this is a new trend, there aren’t a lot of people talking about it. Not in that I-need-to-learn-about-this kind of way. People blog about it all the time – as kind of an extended honeymoon phase. New jobs. New cars. New place to live. It’s all very exciting. Until it gets hard. Then what?

I pray and encourage so many of my friends who are getting married to work on this. I feel that God has placed a special desire in my heart to encourage my friends as I blaze the trail forward – getting married first, having babies first, and who knows what other firsts.

I know that everyone’s journey looks different. But I am certain that God’s truth on respecting our husbands is so important for building a solid foundation in our marriages. For learning early and young how to be married to someone who is so different than us. And how to build a life with that man by letting him lead because that’s what God called him to do.

Leah

Thank you, Leah, for your stellar words and for sharing what God is doing in your marriage and your life today! God knows how I wish I would have known these things earlier in my marriage – but it’s never too late!   :)

In my reading this morning, I came across Proverbs 22:8, “He who sows iniquity will reap sorrow, and the rod of his anger will fail.” I think of the many women sowing iniquity because they are angry – and I’ve done that in the past myself… and I know it’s been born out of hurt – but the Truth is the same. Anger doesn’t work. So sow LOVE and RESPECT and WAIT to see what God will do. It will knock your socks off!

Thankful you are on the journey!

What do YOU think? What have you seen?

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Learnings, Wives

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I’ve Tried Respect & it Hasn’t Worked…

Posted on June 15, 2012 | 6 Comments

First of all, I fully understand your situation.  You’ve applied respect for a while, maybe even a couple of years and “nothing has changed.”  To encourage you this morning, I will share what we’ve seen in the hundreds of marriages from the wives who have taken Daughters of Sarah® or done The Respect Dare.   Bear in mind this process can take months or years, even decades, depending on how much a wife is willing to trust God and submit to His authority, and obey His Word.

I will tell you that God did not allow me to start ministry and did not use me to impact others until I got the submission and respect piece right.

What if God’s plan for one of your children was to minister to drug addicts in prison, and to do that through a living testimony of having overcome these issues himself?  Would you accept and embrace this?  I know even as I pose this question to you, that there is probably few mothers, myself included, that would enthusiastically enjoy watching my son “create his testimony” as while he did that, it meant a life of drugs and crime…

But, Christ’s ministry was to have a wonderful teaching and healing ministry and then have nails hammered through His hands, and die on a cross as a sacrifice for a sinning world.

And you and I put him there.

What if one element of your ministry is to endure the shortcomings of fellow journey takers on a daily basis?  What if one of these journey takers is your husband and through relationship with you, you are to model Christ’s lack of condemnation while he figures out his own walk with God?  Just like Adam in the garden, he even blames – but one day, he won’t, as he grows in the Lord, the Lord’s strength and character will appear in him, just like it has in you and others of His followers.

In the meantime, God has learning for us, as well – we cannot control our husband’s walk, but we need to not judge him, either.  I judged my husband, too, but what God showed me was that I was sinning and not loving while doing that.

We also learn perseverance, which is what mature faith is made of.  What if God wanted you to learn perseverance?

I think He wants us all to learn this.  DEEPLY.

Few things like marriage provide a context through which we can learn at this level.

Did I do things I didn’t want to do out of respect?  Yes.  Did they really matter?  Not in the long run.

Did it cause me to die to my pride?  Yes.  And it is still ongoing, unfortunately.  As my 16 year old son likes to say, “Know the hypocrites – they are us.”

You are on the right track.  Beg God to reveal Himself to you.  Right now, the enemy may be influencing you if he has stymied your growth – and he’s slowing your husband down, as a result of interference from you, too.  He has his own journey, at God’s and his pace, not yours.  Ask God to help you love him as a brother on the journey, and be his friend while he travels.

Women tell us over and over again that they go through several stages in “getting to the other side” and I’ve found this to be true in my own situation.  To the best of my ability this morning, I’ll write these stages out, in the way we see them appear.  I might be missing a few things, but here goes!  The stages go something like this:

  1. Discouragement, desperation to try anything to make things change in her marriage
  2. Quiet – a cessation of communication which does two things:
    1. Creates silences so our husband can hear more from God and less from us (thereby causing the experience of a kind of “relief” of sorts, but not as secularly defined)
    2. Creates opportunities within us for God to reveal to us the hideous nature of our hearts, as we are typically starting from a place where we are prideful in thinking we do not “sin as much as our husbands” – we do, even though they may not be “as big of sins” in a culturally defined way, but they are still sins, and still would separate us from God, without relationship with Christ
  3. Quiet with tongue biting and focus on being “agreeable” and “respectful” with continued cessation of communication which teaches us how much we really do need to control what we say, and begins the process of “controlling our tongues” and eliminating criticism and judgment (judgment is a sin), developing more respectful and mature communication behaviors
  4. Edifying communication – where we begin to say words that encourage those around us, even when dealing with problems, mistakes, or concerns
  5. Observations of blessings – where we begin to SEE our husbands and those around us the way that God does, precious in His sight, travelers on the same journey
  6. Expectation crash – where we realize two things, often spaced far apart:
    1. That our husbands haven’t grown as much as WE would have liked them to
    2. That we’ve been “doing all these things in an effort to change our husbands” and not to obey God (the “wrong motives” talked about in James)
  7. Anger at God – where we complain that “we’ve been doing all these things” and the marriage has stayed the same, or our husband’s haven’t changed (sometimes we start lapsing back into old communication patterns at this point)
  8. Awareness of our sinful attitudes about our marriage in light of what Christ did for us, and how that ties into obedience to Him in our marriage, and coming to wrap our identity up in what God thinks of us, as opposed to people – secularly called, “self esteem” but really is a secure sense of identity in Christ that changes everything – our worth is no longer determined by what others think
  9. Repentance (confession of sin with a contrite heart and changed behavior) of our attitudes and judgment toward our husband
  10. Acceptance of forgiveness from God for our sins
  11. Deeper recognition of the preciousness of our husband and ourselves to God
  12. Cycle back through steps 2-5, sometimes 6, depending on the depth of experience of 8 and 9
  13. Recognition that our husband is just a brother on the same journey, which facilitates our ability to be a better friend to him
  14. Depending on satan’s attacks and our own sin nature and selfishness, reoccurrence of the above, but deeper relationship with God if we are still pursuing Him, which results in shorter and shorter cycles such that we are able to “journey with our friend” and enjoy our marriage, have it be a “safe place to fall” for both of us
  15. Arrival at “the other side” where we can SEE ourselves in any of the above, and lean on God to get out of the wrong places, and rest in the right more quickly, based on our deep relationship with Him
  16. Communication with husband that is more of a partnership, rather than a place where needs are constantly focused upon, and a majority of the communication is edifying – this area constantly needs to keep growing, and a lack of effort here will cause an attitude of discouragement

Hope this helps!!  We’ve seen this over and over again, and if we’ll just persevere, there’s blessings on the other side!  Unfortunately, many women give up way too early.  I did the above for about 10 years, and find myself going now through 13-16, but am thankful and hopeful at what God is doing.

Thanks for the opportunity to write it all out.  Please feel free to comment if I’ve missed anything, or if you have something to add.  Dare you to share and be an encouragement for others today! :)

Glad you are on the journey with us.

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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Making Marriage Fun…

Posted on May 31, 2012 | Comments Off

I’m not talking about a small “peck” or “brush.”

Not the feather dusting that no one’s even sure really happened.

I’m talking about a full, soft-lipped, slightly sensual 2-3 second gentle press.

The kind that makes the kids roll their eyes, and the boys say, “Ewww…gross!!”

The kind that makes you remember the dating days…

It’s just a small thing.

And it might be an easy thing.

Or not.

But regardless… even if you haven’t seriously kissed in a while, I am daring you to KISS your husband today.

He might even say or think, “What’s gotten into her???!!”

And yeah, it might stir up something else… but know that that’s how he experiences that bonding hormone, oxytocin. So yeah, that’s worth doing, too. J

Or maybe, this time, everything begins and ends with this kiss.

And the next time you have a photo shoot? …well…dare you to have a KISS photo taken.

And sometimes, post it as your “profile” picture on Facebook®.

It will make you smile.

And it will be great fun.

Double dog dare you to make a kiss part of your day…maybe even blow up your photo and display it somewhere in your house where everyone will see it.

And remember.

That marriage is a great place to reflect God’s love.

And a fun place to play and be romantic.

Oh…and guess what? It’s Biblical. Double dog dare you to read Song of Solomon… TOGETHER. J

Glad you are on the journey!

Love to you,

~Nina

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Tired of Christians? or Just the Judgment?

Posted on May 15, 2012 | 40 Comments

News days like this last week have
caused me pause.

I tend to stay out of the political discussions because I don’t usually feel led to go there…

However…

Today I do.

And today, I am simply loving the fact that Christ said this:

And Jesus answered, “O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him here to me.”

Matthew 17:17 ESV

…and I love it simply because He sounds completely exasperated. That one sentence lets me know that He fully understands, once again, everything.

Last week, our President decided he was actually in favor of same-sex marriage. North Carolina, on the other hand, decided marriage was only between a man and a woman. Covering a completely different topic, the cover of Time Magazine showed a boy who looked like he was about 4, maybe even 5, blatantly nursing, and the cover question was, “Are You Mom Enough?” (I later found out he was just 3 years old). Regardless of one’s thoughts about breast-feeding, the cover seemed very “in your face.” I haven’t read the Time article yet, but after reading the slew of arguing going back and forth between Democrats, Republicans, Christians, and non-Christians on the same-sex marriage issue, I just don’t even want to know any more about it. I don’t even want to know.

One ray of hope shone through in the way Lisa Belkin at “Huffington Post” responded: “No, I am not ‘mom enough’. I am not Mom enough to take the bait. To accept TIME’s deliberate provocation and either get mad at this woman for what I think I know about her from this photo, or to feel inferior, or superior, or defensive, or guilty — or anything at all, if it means I am comparing myself to other mothers. I am not Mom enough to think that the debate over how to feed our youngest children — an important and nuanced conversation about nutrition, and workplace policy, and government responsibility, and gender relationships — can be boiled down to a simplistic, unrepresentative, staged photograph.“

That was a breath of fresh air, but I’m still somewhat exhausted and exasperated with our culture.

And not for the reason you might think.

I’m tired of judgment being leveled every time I turn around, and most tired of it being leveled by Christians, in the name of Christianity.

I expect non-believers to not know the truth and behave
rudely to one another. It makes me sad when those of us who claim Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior pay little, if any, attention to how our communication deeply injures others – AND, as a result, turns people away from the church.

What I want is loving dialogue by people who truly “love the sinner” – and stop disowning members of their own families over choices they make, and spewing mean, judgmental words at each other. I watched a viral video on Youtube this week about a pastor, whose words were about as injurious as they could be. How he was perceived probably wasn’t how he meant to be, but unfortunately, he chose to rant and blame – on camera. And I understand fully what it is to say and do the wrong thing, but some of us make a habit of speaking about things when we are emotionally charged instead of having the rule of NOT speaking when emotional – and then we do tons of damage.

How does the love of Christ, who spoke gently, lovingly to sinners, escape us?

I wonder if it’s not pride. We’re too busy judging others.

I’m tired of Christians pointing fingers and accusing others of sin, meanwhile breaking all the rules in Matthew 18 about how to resolve conflict (go to the person who has sinned against you), gossiping, spreading dissention, and stirring up others, when they haven’t even been sinned against personally… I’m tired of people throwing around accusations and expecting others to be perfect, and when they aren’t, getting out their axes, like the witch hunts of days gone by.

I’m also tired of thin-skinned people who are too sensitive to other’s communications and take statements too personally, thinking everything is about them. The pop-psychology of “I feel bad, therefore, someone (other than me) is responsible,” (and insert, “must pay”) is too prevalent. We need to toughen up. How on earth can we connect with people who aren’t perfectly pretty and put together (like most people, yes most people) if we are appalled by ugliness?  This life is messy.  We need to be okay with trudging around in the slop of it.  We aren’t any cleaner.  Our hearts are just as much of a mess, but we buy the lies of the culture that we’re somehow better than others, when all we really have is blessed hope and an assurance that we should be sharing.

Sin is ugly, all the time. Whether it comes in a “pretty person package” or not, it’s still sin. My nasty cutting remark to my husband due to a lack of patience is as ugly as the drug addict’s last fix, or the thief’s last job, or the glutton’s last binge. I’m no better than anyone else (and neither are you) just because I walk through a church door on Sunday morning.

Where’s the torch?

I’m also tired of Christians who spend most of their time going around and “rebuking” one another, usually with judgmental and hurtful language. And before someone starts slinging mean words at me, too, yes, I have been taught and have read in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin. But I have also done a little research. I’ve learned a few things that have led me to the same conclusion with couples in marriage, the same problem that we face as a culture, the same starter and non-starter of dialogue that damages: judgment. Too many of these folks claim that homosexuals aren’t Christian at all.  How can they judge this?  Who am I to determine one sin is more heinous than another?  Last time I checked, sin was sin in God’s eyes… and I would think the ultimate act of judgment comes from condemning someone to hell for a particular sin.  There’s only one “unforgivable sin” and that is blaspheming the Holy Spirit – given that there’s a ton of debate on what that even is, I’d hesitate to level judgment about someone else’s salvation when they experience God in similar ways as we heterosexuals claim to… Unfortunately, this particular sin bothers some of us so much that we deem these folks as completely unworthy of any kind of contribution.  We forget that God loves them just as much as He loves us, and that Christ’s blood purifies them before God just like It does for us and the little white lies, laziness, gluttony, etc. (the list is long)… Good is good, regardless of who demonstrates the goodness – our young adults can see this, and the blinding judgment they see within us “older” is sending them out the church doors in droves. 

I realize I may have just turned a number of you off… suggesting that homosexuals actually could be worth learning something from… I’m probably not worth listening to, either, as I’m as big a sinner as they come, thankful for God’s saving grace, thankful for relationship with the Savior Himself, but imperfect as the next guy. 

But meanwhile, what are the homosexual Christians doing? They’re choosing to disagree even with each other, but in a fully loving way. When is the last time you disagreed over something that was as important to you as your sexual identity in the profoundly kind way these folks are discussing different beliefs? If you are in the camp that negates their faith completely, you might want to read this guy’s thoughts. They’re articulate, compelling, and non-judgmental. Even if you don’t agree with the position, we have to fully respect the way in which they carry the conversation.

What if that hymn, “They will know we are Christians by our love,” is represented here? Or are we only supposed to behave lovingly towards certain types of people?

I don’t know about you, but the moment I think I know better than someone else and have the perfect answer for their life, particularly their salvation, well, that’s also sin: PRIDE.

One of my sons, the other day, made a rather profound statement – he said, “Christians could learn a lot about grace from the gay community – I’ve never seen anyone demonstrate so much grace and acceptance of others…well, other than Jesus.” Sometimes I get emails from concerned people who don’t even know me who follow him on Twitter or Facebook – they let me know about some “character” he’s “friends” with… Given that both of my boys want to reach the lost and actively choose to be in relationship with them, yes, they are going to have some “questionable characters” on their friends lists. One person even went so far as to suggest that I should be concerned about my reputation because of them and who they associate with.

Last time I checked, Christ hung out primarily with the disciples, yes, but also tons of sinners.

Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.

Know the hypocrites. They are us.

And we wonder why we’re losing our youth from the faith? More on that here. They’re not buying the pious pride performance. They want something authentic and real. They know we’re all a bunch of sinners saved by grace. They’re tired of the parade of perfection.

And they’re tired of judgment.

Even Christ didn’t come to judge the world, but came rather that we might have life and have it abundantly.

The bottom line for me is simple. Whether we are in a marriage relationship, parenting, dealing with a friend, one of your children’s friends, or just the people in our culture, know this: We can’t do the job of the Holy Spirit. We need to stay out of His way. Love and pray for the people who are on the journey with us, but be careful about choosing confrontation. We need to put more energy into our own relationship with Christ, and know Him so well, that when someone asks us a question (because they are in relationship with us and trust us) we’ll know if the Holy Spirit wants to use us… and we need to remember He might not – but if He does, it’s likely He’s encouraging us to take our friend to the Word.

Dare you to not be judgmental today.  Dare you to remember that is also a sin, and creates distance between people, and destroys any opportunity for witnessing. Double dog dare you actually check a few of the links above and choose to see people in a different way.

***Note added 5/22/12 – please see the comment below.  Here’s the link of the original event, not sure how long it will be up as it was last weekend:  http://deeperliving.info/ 

Thankful for the journey.

Love to you,

~Nina


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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, Got Pain?, Growing

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