Tag Archives: love and respect

Is Judgment Destroying Your Marriage?

Posted on January 11, 2012 | Comments Off

“You have to speak his language, honey,” I told my daughter. She perched tall, calm but confused, atop the gentle horse.

A dear friend and riding partner of mine has horses. Unfortunately, she also suffers greatly from rheumatoid arthritis, and is recovering from a recent surgery. I am so blessed to be able to ride. Right now, I’m starting lessons with my daughter, keeping the horse on the lead, running next to her as she learns the language of horses.

“Horses are prey animals,” I continued. “They really have no defense but to run, and if he doesn’t trust you, he’ll not listen to you, maybe even be afraid of you, so you have to communicate in his language, speak so he can easily hear you, communicating confidence and being a safe place for him, and then you’ll both enjoy each other’s time.”

As I listened to the words come out of my mouth, I realized they fit so very well with God’s advice to men and women who are married.

Not that men or women are animals to be trained, but rather, we are so different, we need to learn to speak each other’s languages.

Because God created women with relationship bonding hormones significantly greater than those He gave to men, I feel called to task women with taking those first steps – being the first to learn to speak a language her husband can understand.

In other words, why not speak so we can be more easily understood?

I believe we are uniquely gifted to do so…research oxytocin. J

Ephesians 5:33 clearly says, 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.“

So today’s dare ties in nicely with Proverbs 11:17 (check the whole chapter here), which says, “The merciful man does good for his own soul, but he who is cruel troubles his own flesh.“

Here it is: Dare you today to learn to speak the language of your husband (or wife, for you guys out there). Be merciful, doing good for your own soul, and don’t cruelly expect your spouse to figure out what you are saying.  Yes, “cruel” is a strong word, but why would I speak French to a girlfriend who only spoke English?  Wouldn’t that be cruel?  Wouldn’t we both be frustrated when we couldn’t communicate? Human interactions are wrought with miscommunication…so expect difficulty especially since men and women are so different in how they communicate! Ideally, wives should learn the man’s language of respect, and husbands should learn a woman’s language of love.

One of the problems that is common to marriages in trouble is one spouse will communicate blame to the other for all or most of the problems. When this occurs, there’s often so much sin and blindness on that spouse’s part (the one doing the blaming), that it can literally doom any restorative actions taking place.

Know this: The choice to blame someone else is the sin of judgment.

We forget that conflict without judgment is actually an opportunity for intimacy.

Even if that other spouse IS seriously wrong, there needs to be encouragement towards them, otherwise they will give up. Judgment of someone’s efforts, no matter how small and imperfect destroy intimacy. We should all know very clearly by now that God says we will be judged by the measure we judge others by…pretty scary if you ask me…choose grace, choose mercy, and encourage your spouse if she or he is trying, even if it is a tiny bit, even if it falls desperately short…

Few opportunities give us the opportunity to model Christ than these…

Build trust in the smaller things, so that the bigger issues can eventually be addressed. Become a safe place for your spouse to TRY improving, even if she or he is lousy at it at first.

Doing otherwise is a recipe for divorce.

I wish that were not true, but these observations are based on God’s Truth, and what we’ve seen in real lives around the world.

If you haven’t read Emerson Eggerich’s Love & Respect yet, we highly recommend it. It’s a required book for Daughters of Sarah®, but it’s also a great read for a couple, as it is not gender specific. We also encourage husbands to take the Love Dare and wives to take the Respect Dare.

Ladies, I’m also double-dog daring you to sign up for Daughters of Sarah® at Faith Church in Milford, Ohio – we get started promptly at 9:15am and run to 10:30am on Sunday mornings, beginning January 29th. We don’t want to steal you from your home church, either, so please do your service before or after – but also know if you don’t have a church you call home, you are welcome at Faith. Right now, there are about 45-50 ladies signed up, all different ages and stages of life, including newlyweds and engageds, all the way up to empty nesters! We also have a few ladies who are separated from their husbands. If you are interested, we need to get the participant materials ordered for you, and you’ll need to grab some books at your local bookstore or the library, so please send an inquiry email to us at information(at)GreaterImpact.org. The class will run through April 29th. We are taping the class, because other churches want it, but none of your “stuff” gets video-ed. J

Thank you so much for being on the journey with us!

We can’t wait to see what God will do!

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Got Conflict??, Got Pain?, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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Ever Been Exhausted?

Posted on July 6, 2011 | 11 Comments

And sick?

And have too much to do, with no one else to do it but you?

All at the same time?

Boy, do I know how you feel.

So in the midst of my self-induced pity party this morning, while reading Proverbs 6, God taught me two things: 1) I needed to stop whining and get to work; and 2) I needed a perspective adjustment.

If you read Proverbs 6, you will completely understand point #1.

It might even speak something different to you. :)

And #2, well, that was just a gift. And a surprise.

I spent the day dealing with a septic tank.

Yeah, I know.

Yuck.

But because God loves me enough to not leave me the same – He’s in the transformation business, you know – He took this opportunity to bless me.

And I probably would have missed it entirely if I wouldn’t have dropped everything to deal with this stinky septic issue so my husband didn’t have to – he’s got a big weekend planned with a bunch of his friends and their sons, gobs of his work to do before he can go, and I could rise to the occasion, or I could use the “I’m exhausted” reality excuse, and let him figure it out. I deal with chronic pain daily anyway, but now also have a sinus infection, been getting less than 4 hours of sleep a night for the last two weeks because of two injuries, and yet I literally felt led to be part of “team Roesner” in a way that would bless my husband.

And those of you who know me well know that I usually let life teach other people lessons, and I’m not much for rescuing or enabling or interfering with consequences. But this situation didn’t fit anything like those, and my husband just needed my help.

So I gave it.

And I was happy to – which, by the way, is major evidence of God doing a HUGE work in my heart.

As in transforming my heart 180 degrees from where it was years ago.

And God rewarded me in a small but big way. And I didn’t even have to wait for it.

And after meeting with contractors and inhaling probably too much methane gas for one day, I caught the full meaning of 2 Corinthians 3:18, which reads: 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

Oh, I pray you can SEE at least two things: 1) it says, “are being transformed” – there’s no, “you might become like Jesus if you choose to follow Him,” here – it says, “ARE BEING,” as in, “it’s happening…” whether we want to or not. J And 2) “beholding” is a beautiful word which has two meanings here – first, that we are reflecting back to Him His Own glory through our Christ-likeness, no matter how infrequent or small it may be – and second, I read Max Lucado explain that if we do not take the time to “behold” His glory, we miss much on the road to transformation.

If you want more on that, search it in http://www.Bible.org .

And what did I SEE today?

Daisies.

Because He cares that our precious dog, named “Daisy,” recently went Home…

And suddenly, where no flowers had grown before, there was a patch of daisies, just yards away from the septic tank nastiness, just like the ones in the back yard.

Except we didn’t plant these daisies in memory of our sweet golden retriever.

God did.

For us.

So we could see Him.

And know He cares.

You might think I’m nuts, but I choose actively to SEE God, multiple times a day, in the midst of my circumstances.

I believe He’s there.

And I believe He’s always speaking.

It’s more a matter of, “Are we listening?”

So I’m over 12 hours late with this entry today, but I desire to be, sinner as I am, a person who says what she means, means what she says, and keeps her commitments. And I can’t even begin to tell you how this impacts my marriage…more on that to come… :)

And I dare you to SEE Him. And double-dog-dare you to share what you see with us. Join us on the Facebook Page and be part of the community…

Happy to be on the journey with you,

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Growing, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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How to Calm Down an Angry Husband

Posted on May 10, 2011 | 9 Comments

Your husband says to you, “You never…” or “You always…” or whatever.  Your natural reaction is to be what?  How about ticked?

Or hurt. Or worse yet, scared.

But yes, probably angry.  Unless you are scared.  Or don’t know what to do.  And that usually results in being a doormat.  Which doesn’t work, either.

So what do we do with the anger and hurt?  React.  Retaliate.

And we know how well THAT works.

I’m going to suggest something completely different, but what God wants us to do – James 1:19 says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and even slower to become angry.”

I dare you to: Reflect.

Here’s the situation.  Husband is upset.  Angry.  Furious even.  Let him vent.  A while, if necessary.  Then, choosing to be interested, say back, “So if I understand you correctly, you are feeling (insert hub’s negative emotion here) and (more – yes, elaborate), right?”

“Yes,” he says.

“Can you tell me more about that?”  You say.  At this point his gaze becomes dazed and confused.  Puzzled. No one ever wants to know more about why he feels the way he feels, especially when it’s negative.  “Please?  I want to understand,” you say. So maybe he trusts this and gives you more.  But as he does, he’s calming down, which is what you were looking for - calm discussion.  NOW we can work through the issue - because until the emotions are dealt with and validated, the “issue isn’t the issue” – the emotions are.

Double-dog-dare you to Reflect.  Again.  “So if I understand what you are saying…(insert summarized reflection of his thoughts and feelings here).”

“Yes,” he says.  Calmly, too.

“What I’m wondering is… (insert thought that’s contrary to his opinion here).  How does that fit with what you are saying?”  You gently ask.

And that’s how a healthy person, solid in who he or she is in Christ, does conflict.  There’s no ”owning” another person’s negative feelings (“He feels bad, it must be my fault”) or “fixing” going on (“He feels bad, I must make him feel better”).  You trust God enough to let Him have the relationship He has with your spouse, trusting Him to work things out in His timing.  On a simple level, it’s being respectful of other’s opinions and feelings, handling the other person as a precious creation of God Himself.

And then asking questions instead of arguing which only serves to arouse resentment and defensiveness.

Galatians 5:1 says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

We can focus on what Christ focuses on, God’s love, or we can busy ourselves with condemnation and judgment.  If Christ talks about God’s love 26 times more than He mentions sin, shouldn’t we be doing the same?  What’s amazing is that within a climate of trust in relationship, people will actually ask for feedback or help with their sin, or apologize.  Too often, we keep another person from getting to that point by making them defensive with our condemnation. Sometimes I wonder if we Christians are actually about helping others see the Truth, or are more about punishing those who don’t behave as we think they should – because of our own fears or anger issues.

Seems like the cross took care of that…

So what do we do if in love, we do these things, and he keeps being aggressive?  We need to insert some s-p-a-c-e into the discussion.  We need to “unhook” the emotion.

Sometimes it’s a simple, “I love you to pieces, and I really want to work through this in a way that honors you and God…I’m going to chill for a bit so that we can both talk about this more effectively.”  (Translation:  Either you or I are losing it and that’s not okay, so I’m taking a break from this conversation before I say something I might regret later.)  Sometimes that  s-p-a-c-e looks like, “I love you a ton, and I can’t hear you when you are screaming at me and throwing things – it just makes me afraid of you, which I’m sure you don’t really want, either.  I’m leaving for the rest of the night and I’ll be back tomorrow and maybe we can walk through this better.” (Translation:  I’m not staying here if you are dangerous).

Neither of these things work if we communicate them in anger, btw.  If we are gentle, loving, and kind when we say them, usually, it disengages them from their upset attitude and is like pressing the “reset” button in the discussion.

BUT:  I’ve also talked to wives who have felt led by God and had weird circumstances and Scripture confirm that they are to be martyrs in their own homes.  So regardless of whether your husband is literally abusive or whether he is “normal” (whatever that means) LISTEN to God over anything I ever say.

I don’t pretend to know your husband, nor am I married to your guy, so any advice I give might be worth what you paid for it, which is NOTHING.  :)

Want to see the Spirit at work in your relationships?  Approach conflict in this way, in an effort to connect instead of condemn, and your relationships will look dramatically different!

NOTE:  If you are dealing with a man who is abusive and dangerous, please consider getting things right on your end, but also consider a Matthew 18 confrontation, especially if you have children.  Know that your lack of intervention is perceived by your kids as the condoning of abuse and is also sin.

But being brave…while being respectful, it’s what The Respect Dare is all about!

Dare ya!

~Nina

Galatians 5:22-23: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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How Can I Fix My Marriage?

Posted on April 25, 2011 | Comments Off

This afternoon, I asked my talented chef husband what he needed me to do for Easter dinner.  He told me to snap the asparagus and get it ready for cooking.  That was pretty much it, although I did help make the bread earlier in the day.  Knowing asparagus takes about 8 minutes,  I asked, “Do you mind, since it’s a while before we’ll eat, if I do the asparagus a little later?” He said he was fine with that. 

I got on the phone with my mom, and while watching him busy himself in the kitchen, I talked with her.  After a little while, I noticed an old and familiar feeling returning… guilt. 

Exhausted from a training I’d been doing on the West coast for nearly a week and still in the wrong time zone, I sensed an internal pressure to get off the phone and get busy.  Then I noticed a second unhealthy temptation:  a slight irritation toward my husband, who was just minding his own business,  bustling around in our kitchen.  In that moment, I sadly realized how deeply influenced by our culture I really am.

I put a stop to it all.  I told the voices of the “Perfect Christian Wife Culture” and the “You Can Do It All Secular Culture” to shut up.  And then, I said to myself, “I am emotionally, physically, and mentally tired.  It’s okay for me to rest.  If he wanted me to do more, he would have told me, and even if he didn’t, that’s not mine to own anyway.  I’m allowing myself to rest, and I’m going to stop owning how he may or may not be feeling.  I’m done with this unhealthy thinking.” 

I took a nap.

It was great.

So was dinner.

Often, when I see couples in crisis, the wives have taken the phrase, “submit” to mean, “become invisible,” or “exist only for husband’s and children’s purposes.” Yes, we need to “die to our selfish desires,” but that doesn’t mean, ”serve so that no one else in your house lifts a finger, or you pass out from exhaustion, whichever comes first.” 

From what we’ve seen, to make a marriage not only work, but be successful, we have to be adults.  That means taking care of the temple of the Holy Spirit.  That is us.  Taking care of ourselves, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually – in other words having a healthy “self relationship.”  Only then can we exist as a separate entity that is responsible for his or her choices, and doesn’t take responsibility for the spouse’s choices.  Owning another person’s feelings, attitudes, and behaviors will wear us out.  We can’t control them.  We can control our choices, however.  It’s also being confident enough to clearly ask for what we want from others, (and being healthy enough to respect ”no” for an answer).  When I conducted business training courses, I used to label the unhealthy opposite of this behavior, “management by mindreading,” meaning “let’s let people around me guess what I want.”  It’s an immature, deceitful behavior that errodes trust, damages relationships, and creates dysfunction in relationships.

It also is disrespectful of the temple.

From what I can tell, God’s Word recommends much healthier behaviors.  Two people who take responsibility for their actions, plus one God = something amazing.  And those couples that figure out the many healthy communication patterns involved with being a mature, responsible (but not for other’s choices) adult, end up creating a marriage that represents Christ and His church.  The problem in stems from forgetting three things: 

  1. Not remembering or not knowing how much we mean to God,
  2. How we are are each made with a specific purpose in mind (yes, ALL of us – see Jeremiah 29:11), and 
  3. The preciousness of others (to God) in our lives. 

God’s math on marriage: 

1 emotionally healthy, preciousness-understanding, maturely behaving adult + 1 emotionally healthy, preciousness-understanding, maturely behaving adult + 1 Creator of the Universe (at the center of their marriage, but more importantly, in relationship with each of them) = 1 healthy marriage that represents Christ and His Church.  So, 1+1+1=1.  Hmmm…sounds like the Trinity.

What’s interesting is that when we mature in how we respect ourselves and others, the people around us also begin to respect us.  And themselves.  Which matters greatly to God.  It’s the foundation of this thing we call, “Becoming a Relationship Architect.” 

So, maybe John MacArthur is right: …so by your marriage, you are either a symbol or a denial of Christ and His church.  (MacArthur, J. The Fulfilled Family.  Chicago:  Moody Press)  And maybe we can impact that symbol by actively persuing respect – not just for our husbands, but also for ourselves, out of recognition and appreciation for the temple He made us to be, and for the others in our lives, because they are precious, too.

How can I fix my marriage?  Start with respect.  God, self, others.  Then love will flow into you because you’ll accept the love of the Father.  And then it flows out of you – and then we start changing the world.

Isn’t that the point?

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Growing, Random Thoughts

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