Tag Archives: lies

Good Mom?

Posted on March 21, 2013 | 4 Comments

The boy stretched his arms upward in expectation.

“Carry me, Mommy,” he said.

Instead of lifting him, the very pregnant woman squatted next to him and steadied her swollen body.

“Oh, I wish I could, sweetie,” she said. “Mommy’s too pregnant to lift you for a while. How about we hold hands as we walk down stairs?”

She smiled and took his hand. “I love you, you know,” she said.

He smiled and said, “I know. I love you too, Mommy.”

And then the voices spoke to him.

“She doesn’t love you any more, you know,” came one.

“She has a new baby that will take your place. You are worthless to her,” hissed another.

And he believed these surprising things about himself.

Lies, but there nonetheless.

And at age 3, it’s the first thing he remembers.

…

I don’t claim to be a perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination.

But I do know I have dealt with my own emotional baggage (and continue to do so as it pops up), read every parenting book I can get my hands on, apologized and freely offered forgiveness, and refused to wrap my identity up in my kids’ behavior.

I have made plenty of mistakes, even though I have had my nose (and heart and mind) in a Bible nearly daily for over two decades.

And prayer is a regular part of our existence.

And even though I did everything in that 3 year old boy’s life “right” at that moment, the enemy still got to him.

And when I found out about it, when he was nine, for a while, I blamed myself. To be totally honest, I cried a bucket of tears over it. The “if only I’d” thoughts started coming and plagued me hard and fast for a chunk of time, until I listened to Truth’s soft quiet voice over the deafening cacophony of lies spewing forth from that other guy. Truth said, “You did the absolute best you could at the time, and still are.”  And I still make mistakes. So I own them, apologize to those I hurt, forgive myself as well, and move on. I apologized to that boy who carried a broken 3 year old in his heart.  Even though I hadn’t wounded him personally and the enemy had, I had to help him. I had to facilitate forgiveness for him so he could move on.

The absolute Truth is that there is only ONE Jesus Christ.

I’m going to be human and so are you.

And the enemy is still going to act. He even acted with Jesus Christ Himself present – because the Trinity allowed him to. And the Trinity allows him to act still.

Today, I want to remind all of us of something that matters greatly. It’s a foundational thought that literally impacts everything in our relationships: It’s often the lies we believe that destroy our relationships.

Lies about what we or other people think, feel, or believe about themselves, others, or God Himself.

Dare you to refuse to believe the lies of the culture or that other guy who is busy on the prowl, looking for someone to devour. He wants to get in the way of your relationship with God, yourself, and others. He wants very much to destroy your marriage and can easily do so if he can get you feeling resentment instead of compassion, shame or guilt instead of God’s gentle conviction, bitterness instead of understanding and kindness, hate instead of love, and disagreement instead of curiosity.

And he starts with our thoughts about ourselves.

Within all of us is a 3 year old (or younger) who believed a lie that became the filter through which much of reality is seen. Dare you to challenge that. I didn’t know this at the time, but when God wrote The Respect Dare, one of the first things He had us do is revisit our childhood. A psychologist friend of mine later told me that a person’s childhood is where our personality and beliefs about ourselves, others and relationships are formed. By the time a child is 12, she said, these things are pretty solidly ingrained. What is cool, however, is that forgiveness actually has a “rewiring” effect on the brain, and it can heal not just unhealthy thinking, but the habits of thinking associated with emotionally damaging events.

Dare you to aggressively pursue Truth and forgiveness in your relationships.

Double dog dare you to do the hard work necessary to get through your own emotional baggage and have healthier relationships with yourself, God and others. TRIPLE dog dare you to apologize when you hurt others (even unintentionally or by accident), and forgive them and yourself, and continue to do your absolute best in relationships. Facilitate it for those (whether child or adult) who are not mature enough to do so for themselves.  Have empathy, even if you did nothing wrong – that’s called compassion, and it’s very Jesus-like.  “That’s got to be so hard for you.”  “I’m so sorry you are feeling this way.” Even, “I’m so sorry you perceived that from me.  It must have hurt you deeply.  It wasn’t what I meant to communicate at all.

Know this is different than “owning” other people’s “stuff” – you aren’t taking responsibility for their behavior, but rather facilitating a discussion that helps them get free with forgiveness and the revelation of Truth.

It matters more than you know right now and impacts our ability to interact with literally everyone in our lives.

1 John 4:4-7 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world. 2 By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, 3 and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you heard was coming and now is in the world already. 4 Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. 5 They are from the world; therefore they speak from the world, and the world listens to them. 6 We are from God. Whoever knows God listens to us; whoever is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error. 7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

What about you? What lies have you believed? Can you choose to believe you are loved? Can you choose to believe you are a good mom? Dare you to share and encourage someone else. :)

Matthew West “Forgiveness”

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Pain?, Growing, Kids & Parenting

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Top 10 Lies Christians Believe that Destroy Marriage

Posted on May 17, 2012 | 14 Comments

The conversations end the same way. “I’ve had enough.”

Hearts chewed up, spit out, and stomped on by their spouses, their pain lying raw on the cold hard cement of public judgment and well-intentioned sympathy, the tears flow and anger seethes as the circle of “those who know” widens.

And the enemy smiles.

The wives cry bitterly, loosening the reins on their tongues, swaying children to “their side,” damaging relationships throughout the family.

The husbands crush their pain with work, weight-lifting, alcohol, isolation, and creating fear and further distance between them and those they live with.

And the enemy smiles.

But there is HOPE. I have, in the last several weeks, also encountered a number of women who all have one thing in common – they divorced their husbands, and then remarried them – and all have better marriages now. Amazing. You can meet a few of them here in the comment section.

You might want to stop reading… I’m sure to ruffle some feathers this morning…

The Top 10 Lies Christians Believe that Destroy Relationships:

  1. Marriage is supposed to make me happy. (read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas – it’s supposed to make you HOLY)
  2. I can have everything I want. (Sorry, no, that’s called, “being selfish.” Marriage is about learning to give, not take.)
  3. It’s his/her fault. (Sorry, no, again. It’s always both people’s fault. And you are in the relationship to grow, and yes, it will eventually evolve into something beautiful that glorifies God – but only if you obey Him.)
  4. God wants me to be happy. (God wants you to grow. He wants you to reflect His character. He wants you to have peace and joy and His comfort regardless of what is going on around you. Whether you are happy or not isn’t part of this equation. That’s a LIE from the culture. The media. It means being humble enough to know you aren’t right as often as you think you are and you need to apologize and change your behavior – and if you go through a whole day without having to apologize for something to the people you live with, you are probably blinded by the enemy. Reality check on faith: the closer you get to God, the more you realize the depravity of your spirit without Him. The MORE you apologize! If you think that’s not true, well, I hate to tell you this, but that’s pride. That’s sin. And just so you know, I understand these things. I used to buy the lies, too – and I’m still prideful, and I hate that, but His Spirit in me is working and I’m trying to stay out of the way.)
  5. If my marriage is painful, I should leave. (God hates divorce. Check Malachi – and Jesus reinforced this in the NT. Instead, realize that if your marriage is painful, you need to 1) admit you don’t know what you don’t know, 2) ask God for wisdom, 3) get in community with other wives or husbands who are doing well to get help and Biblical advice, 4) OBEY His Word – He won’t help you or grow you until you do this, 5) TRUST Him that it will take a while – if you expect things to change overnight, they won’t, but if you leave, you’ll have an even greater statistical chance of failing in your next relationship – even though people mature as they age, if you leave a relationship, the same lack of relationship skills will be carried on to the next relationship. Oh, and for a taste of what REAL faith in the midst of pain is… check this video – we in the West have no idea what suffering even looks like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDHWYK_HtRg
  6. The fighting and arguing is damaging my kids. (This is true, and yes, you have modeled for them how not to do marriage. But if you divorce, they don’t learn how to healthfully resolve conflict, and are further damaged in deeper and long-lasting ways. And you will STILL have a huge gap in your conflict resolution abilities…so your next relationships and your current ones won’t benefit from learning.)
  7. My kids will be happier if I divorce. (In an effort to escape the pain of today, we forget that we’ll be dealing with our former spouse primarily about issues around our children. Most people have difficulties doing this. The fighting and negative interactions typically don’t stop, and frequently, the parents talk about each other in negative ways, which causes the children to feel guilt for loving the other parent. I read a study a while back about the effects of divorce on people who had grown up and were now in their 40′s, I can’t find it right now, but suffice it to say the results were not good.)
  8. God doesn’t want me to be this unhappy. (God wants you to glorify Him. The amount of pain we end up in is usually grounded in how stubborn, hard-hearted, and prideful we are. God wants us to have His peace, joy, and comfort. But that only comes from obedience to His Word. Will you learn His Truth the easy way with a teachable spirit, or do you think you know it all already? Honestly ask yourself if you are obeying Him. Do you know His Word well enough to say that you are? If you are really honest, perhaps you’ll come to the realization that you can’t do this on your own. If you are blaming your spouse for your unhappiness, you are committing the sins of judgment and pride, and the evidence of that is the condescending attitude you convey to others, or the “poor me” attitude – regardless, these things are sin.)
  9. I’ve tried everything. (I’ll bet you’ve tried a lot. Maybe you’ve even done counseling (which works less than 25% of the time, btw), maybe you’ve gone to seminars, maybe you’ve done formal mentoring… many of you haven’t asked for honest feedback from others. Sometimes when you do, if others are hesitant about giving it, it’s because they’ve already done so and you won’t listen. You think you know better. Has that worked for you thus far? Have you apologized for the hurts you’ve caused? If you are hurting, know your spouse is also hurting… Or do you think you are perfect and she or he is crazy for feeling bad?
    I’ll bet you have NOT done ALL of Matthew 18.     If you haven’t done all the above over the course of about ten solid years of hard work, then start now. At least your kids will learn that families matter enough to be fought for. AND… if you haven’t tried this, you haven’t tried everything. It’s the best thing I’ve seen out there. YES, it’s expensive. YES, it’s worth it. Here it is: http://smalleycenter.com/ . I can’t recommend this program enough.
  10. I don’t need to take action now… or, I’m just waiting for xyz, then I’m leaving… (Well, while you are filling your head with your self-righteous thoughts and defending your position, nurturing an attitude of continued resentfulness, bitterness, judgment, unforgiveness, all while withholding grace and love and being disobedient, know that God is watching, knows that you are also as wrong as your spouse is, and has this to say:

    Matthew 5:21 You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca, ‘ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.23″Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

So you could choose to keep blaming others for your hurting. Stay in your anger. That is definitely easier.

But know you are also probably wrong.

And possibly blind.

God has a better way in store for you, if you are listening.

It involves recognizing what Jesus did for us. For YOU, personally. It involves coming face to face with the sin you are in right now.

There is no such thing as, “I’m a good person.” None of us is righteous, not one.

This is all really heavy today. My heart is burdened for those who are blind and deaf. I know from my own experience, that sometimes it takes a hard smack upside the head with a 2X4 to get my attention when I’m hard-hearted and stubborn, blind and bereft.

For those of you who love Him and are gently led, I’m really sorry for the verbal assault this morning. Understand that the God I know is full of love, kindness, gentleness, and pursues us because of His great love for us – His grace is sufficient for us all. I love to speak of these aspects of His character, because that’s Who He is…


And I’ve also been blind and deaf, and am now thankful for those who have loved me enough to tell me the Truth. My marriage and my family, as imperfect as we are, might shine a little light of Christ these days as a result…and I’m fully aware that it’s not ME, but Him they see if there’s anything good visible.

Dare you to pray for those who needed this message this morning. And please, know I’m sorry for being heavy this morning. Please forgive me for the harsh message. I’d much rather spend time dwelling on His great love for us…

Double dog dare you, if your marriage is in trouble, to book a weekend at a Smalley Marriage Intensive.
SPEND THE MONEY. 85% of their couples are still going. Those are great odds!

Triple dog dare you to apologize to your God and your spouse. Don’t know how? Try this.

Thank you for the grace this morning.

How about you? What lies did I miss? What would you add? Have YOU bought any of these lies?

Love to you,

~Nina


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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, Got Pain?, Growing, MAD Men (aka, "Angry Husbands"), That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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Ever Feel Like You’ve been Lied to?

Posted on April 17, 2012 | 11 Comments

Happens all the time, doesn’t it?

3 siblings.

Each with a different version of what happened.

Parent hears the most effective communicator of the 3 tell the story. 

Believes.

Other parent hears the other 2′s versions… not sure who to believe.

Parents discuss. 

They disagree.

Get kids together. 

Go through the whole thing again.

As it turns out, more details are added, a different picture is painted, and option 4, the real Truth, then presents itself.

Thankfulness is experienced by both parents, as no one flew off the handle before getting the whole story.

Situation is talked through and explained.  All 3 parties no longer feel “wronged” but instead understand Truth.

Which, wasn’t even on anyone’s radar.

In the last week, I’ve had at least three separate instances where I thought someone maybe wasn’t telling the Truth.

In all three of them, I wondered about the character and credibility of the story tellers. 

I didn’t accuse, however, I got more information.Image

And, in all three situations, the “real Truth” turned out to be an option I hadn’t considered, with elements from the different perspectives, that made the situations seem True to the story tellers.  But in the end, we learned we were ALL experiencing a “paralax” (visual perspectives from different angles that look different, even though all the different angles are focused on the same object).

Relationships get damaged when we level judgment and accusation instead of asking questions.  In all of the situations, with all of the people involved, there were moments were I literally didn’t know who or what to believe.  And several times I was fairly certain that someone might be lying. 

Truth is, in human interaction, we are often so quick to judge that we get too much of our exercise jumping to conclusions.  James 1:19 tells us, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and even slower to become angry.”  One of the biggest dangers we face as Christians is being judgmental.  We get this way by not listening.  Or by thinking we’ve listened and have the full Truth. 

Pride wants us to be right.  And blinds us to options.

Love wants us to believe the best about others.  To be patient, kind, not jealous, not bragging, not arrogant, not acting unbecomingly, not seeking its own, not provoked, not keeping a list of wrongs, not rejoicing in unrighteousness, but with Truth, bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, and enduring all things, never failing. (1 Cor 13 roughly written)

Sunday in Daughters of Sarah, we taught about conflict.  The first step is always listening and asking questions. The goal of conflict is God’s Best…not being right.  Fettering out what God’s Best is requires dialogue and Q & A.

Given what Love is in 1 Corinthians 13, I think we are wise to not jump to conclusions.  I think we are wise to work Proverbs 12:16 (overlooking an insult) and Matthew 18 (talking to the person who might be causing the issue first, instead of going to someone else, then taking someone with us who has also witness the issue if s/he doesn’t listen) and be good listeners FIRST, rather than jumping to conclusions. 

Thankfully, in all of our situations this week, we managed to fetter out Truth by asking questions and didn’t wrongly accuse anyone in a heated exchange.  I can’t tell you how many other times I’ve blown it, only to learn later that I was also wrong…and the guilt and regret at how I behaved was awful.  I’m so thankful, that I can look on a week surprisingly themed with lies, and smile and actually see God’s Spirit showing up in my own and my family’s behavior – FINALLY!! :)   I was out of the way enough to let God do His thing.  I can’t take credit, however, as it was fully the work of the Spirit.  What was glorious and honoring to God, was in one of the situations, we had one of my kids apologize for a wrong he didn’t even commit, just because at that point in time, we thought he had been involved – he wasn’t sure if he had, but his attitude about making things right to heal another was just lovely.  And we apologized to him when we finally learned what was True.  But no one yelled at anyone, no one said words they wished they hadn’t, and searching for and finding His Truth set us all free.

Dare you today to EXTEND GRACE when you feel you’ve been wronged.  Even if it looks obvious to you that you’ve been assaulted.  Double Dog Dare you to ASK QUESTIONS and be a good listener.  SEARCH for the Truth, remembering that the other guy doesn’t want you to have it, just so he can keep your relationships messed up.  And finally, Triple Dog Dare you to APOLOGIZE when you are wrong.  Pride and the other guy don’t want you to, but it is absolutely the salve that is needed to help others move on, and for you to lose the guilt baggage. 

The single most important thing I’ve learned in the last ten years is this:  I can tell how much Jesus is in me if when faced with confrontations, am I getting angry, or am I searching for the Truth, and trying to help people heal. 

I still get angry and defensive.  Too often. 

But this last week, I had a glimpse of Him in me.  And it gave me hope that He IS changing me – and the peace I have with my family and how we internally handled these things makes me smile.  I see Him in them, too.

And know that we’re not proud of any of this, just thankful for Him.  Thankful He changes people.  Overflowing with gratitude that He can live grace out in the day to day in a family who is as ordinary and ridden with conflict opportunities as anyone else’s. Thankful that together, once in a while, He shows up through us. 

And that’s where we are today.  I know as sure as I know I’m sitting here writing this right now, that in a year, everything could be different.  We’re all capable of walking away from Him.  I wish with every fiber of my being that wasn’t true, but unfortunately it is.  Dear God, may it never happen to any of us.

Privileged to be on the journey with you…

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce

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Ever Feel Like You’ve been Lied to?

Posted on April 17, 2012 | 1 Comment

Happens all the time, doesn’t it?

3 siblings.

Each with a different version of what happened.

Parent hears the most effective communicator of the 3 tell the story.

Believes.

Other parent hears the other 2′s versions… not sure who to believe.

Parents discuss.

They disagree.

Get kids together.

Go through the whole thing again.

As it turns out, more details are added, a different picture is painted, and option 4, the real Truth, then presents itself.

Thankfulness is experienced by both parents, as no one flew off the handle before getting the whole story.

Situation is talked through and explained.  All 3 parties no longer feel “wronged” but instead understand Truth.

Which, unfortunately as usual, wasn’t even on anyone’s radar.

In the last week, I’ve had at least three separate instances where I thought someone maybe wasn’t telling the Truth.

In all three of them, I wondered about the character and credibility of the story tellers.

I didn’t accuse, however, I got more information.Image

And, in all three situations, the “real Truth” turned out to be an option I hadn’t considered, with elements from the different perspectives, that made the situations seem True to the story tellers.  But in the end, we learned we were ALL experiencing a “paralax” (visual perspectives from different angles that look different, even though all the different angles are focused on the same object).

Relationships get damaged when we level judgment and accusation instead of asking questions.  In all of the situations, with all of the people involved, there were moments were I literally didn’t know who or what to believe.  And several times I was fairly certain that someone might be lying.

Truth is, in human interaction, we are often so quick to judge that we get too much of our exercise jumping to conclusions.  James 1:19 tells us, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and even slower to become angry.”  One of the biggest dangers we face as Christians is being judgmental.  We get this way by not listening.  Or by thinking we’ve listened and have the full Truth.

Pride wants us to be right.  And blinds us to options.

Love wants us to believe the best about others.  To be patient, kind, not jealous, not bragging, not arrogant, not acting unbecomingly, not seeking its own, not provoked, not keeping a list of wrongs, not rejoicing in unrighteousness, but with Truth, bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, and enduring all things, never failing. (1 Cor 13 roughly written)

Sunday in Daughters of Sarah, we taught about conflict.  The first step is always listening and asking questions. The goal of conflict is God’s Best…not being right.  Fettering out what God’s Best is requires dialogue and Q & A.

Given what Love is in 1 Corinthians 13, I think we are wise to not jump to conclusions.  I think we are wise to work Proverbs 12:16 (overlooking an insult) and Matthew 18 (talking to the person who might be causing the issue first, instead of going to someone else, then taking someone with us who has also witness the issue if s/he doesn’t listen) and be good listeners FIRST, rather than jumping to conclusions.

Thankfully, in all of our situations this week, we managed to fetter out Truth by asking questions and didn’t wrongly accuse anyone in a heated exchange.  I can’t tell you how many other times I’ve blown it, only to learn later that I was also wrong…and the guilt and regret at how I behaved was awful.  I’m so thankful, that I can look on a week surprisingly themed with lies, and smile and actually see God’s Spirit showing up in my own and my family’s behavior – FINALLY!! :)   I was out of the way enough to let God do His thing.  I can’t take credit, however, as it was fully the work of the Spirit.  What was glorious and honoring to God, was in one of the situations, we had one of my kids apologize for a wrong he didn’t even commit, just because at that point in time, we thought he had been involved – he wasn’t sure if he had, but his attitude about making things right to heal another was just lovely.  And we apologized to him when we finally learned what was True.  But no one yelled at anyone, no one said words they wished they hadn’t, and searching for and finding His Truth set us all free.

Dare you today to EXTEND GRACE when you feel you’ve been wronged.  Even if it looks obvious to you that you’ve been assaulted.  Double Dog Dare you to ASK QUESTIONS and be a good listener.  SEARCH for the Truth, remembering that the other guy doesn’t want you to have it, just so he can keep your relationships messed up.  And finally, Triple Dog Dare you to APOLOGIZE when you are wrong.  Pride and the other guy don’t want you to, but it is absolutely the salve that is needed to help others move on, and for you to lose the guilt baggage.

The single most important thing I’ve learned in the last ten years is this:  I can tell how much Jesus is in me if when faced with conflict, am I getting angry, or am I searching for the Truth, and trying to help people heal.

I still get angry and defensive.  Too often.

But this last week, I had a glimpse of Him in me.  And it gave me hope that He IS changing me – and the peace I have with my family and how we internally handled these things makes me smile.  I see Him in them, too.

And know that we’re not proud of any of this, just thankful for Him.  Thankful He changes people.  Overflowing with gratitude that He can live grace out in the day to day in a family who is as ordinary and ridden with conflict opportunities as anyone else’s. Thankful that together, once in a while, He shows up through us.

And that’s where we are today.  I know as sure as I know I’m sitting here writing this right now, that in a year, everything could be different.  We’re all capable of walking away from Him.  I wish with every fiber of my being that wasn’t true, but unfortunately it is.  Dear God, may it never happen to any of us.

Privileged to be on the journey with you…

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Growing, Kids & Parenting, Learnings, Wives

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