Tag Archives: kids

I Want What I Want When I Want it..You?

Years ago, when I was HR director for a manufacturing company, one of our top candidates was also interviewing at our competitor’s company. I remember the VP of Operations telling me, “Offer him more money. Everyone has their price.” While I can’t remember now if we got the candidate, I do remember that phrase, and unfortunately, have seen it ring true too often.

We human beings too frequently sell our character to the world’s highest bidder.

Sometimes it’s both parents working full-time to afford more stuff (bigger house, newer cars, nicer clothes for us or kids, camps for them, etc.) and letting  day care workers or coaches engage with our kids more than we do. Or so we can haul them from one activity to another, believing the busyness lies and not giving anyone enough down time to interact or hear God’s voice. This article on a book by David Code on what happens to our kids when we are stressed out should cause any parent to STOP.   Seriously, read the article. It blew me away.

It gives new meaning to “tearing down our house with our own hands.”     

Or pursuing a higher paying job that takes a ton of our time, so we can buy more for our family, when what would really make them happy is more time with us.

If we measure wealth by the world’s standards, we do it in dollar signs and pleasures. If we measure by God’s standards, it’s quality of relationships.

And just so you know, if you have to work just so you and your kids can eat, that’s a different deal.

But if we “have” to eat caviar, “have” to own the latest styles, jewelry, etc., or “have” to have the big house and new cars, well, that’s something else entirely.

Just so you know, I’m not beyond reproach or immune to the world, either. I recently made a frivolous, irresponsible fashion purchase. I also returned it. I shouldn’t have bought it in the first place, but after I did, couldn’t justify keeping it and it bugged the tar out of me until I sent it back.

Often, we don’t even see these things as “worldly wisdom,” or sacrificing our character.

Sometimes it’s changing “the rules” to accommodate a friend, or silence a whining child who’s getting on our nerves at the moment.

Or a “little white lie,” to avoid a conflict.

Sometimes it’s just being inconsistent, so much so that we become untrustworthy.

Or doing something immoral or unethical to “land a deal,” or “win the approval” of another person.

Or justifying any of our sinful thoughts or behaviors instead of listening to God’s Truth.

Proverbs 4 tells us to “get wisdom,” and this morning, while reading James 3:13-18, was reminded that there are “two kinds of wisdom.”

Worldly wisdom and Biblical wisdom – do you know the difference? God promises to give us wisdom if we ask for it – and tells us in James 4 that friendship with the world is hatred towards God.

Ouch.

Last night, while tucking the edges of covers around my 10 year old, she asked me, “Mommy, why does everything always turn into a conversation about God with you? It’s like He’s everything or something to you.”

Glad she noticed. J She’s right.

I won’t bore you with the details of my answer, but much of it is talked about in James. Dare you to read it today – and tomorrow – and the next day. GOBS to chew on here.

Oh, that we would remember the ironic Truth that is written on our own currency!

The point I want to make is this – we aren’t even aware sometimes of how influenced by the world we are. Pray for wisdom, for discernment, and ask God to help you 1) in your unbelief, 2) lining up your will with His, and 3) making the right choices in the day-to-day opportunities that present themselves.

Begin by carving out 15 minutes in the morning to read and pray with an open heart, one that listens to what He would have you do with what you read.

Dare you.

It will change everything.

Double dog dare you to “subscribe” and join us on the journey, or invite a friend by email or sharing with Twitter or Facebook. J

SO very glad you are here!

Love to you,

~Nina

Want Deeper Connection with Your Kids and Spouse?

Jim and I have had the privilege to of meeting with several individuals and couples who lead ministries or run companies around the US. Their experiences have ranged from running organizations, writing books, being on national speaking circuits, or are regular radio and TV show guests. We appreciate their time and wisdom, and their openness to sharing experiences with us. We always have several questions in mind for them, but the most important is always this: How do you balance time with your family, given what you do and as many weekends as you are traveling?

One married couple sticks out in my mind when they answered that question: they looked at each other and there was a huge pause.

The wife responded, “It’s cyclical – it’s slow in the summer, and over Christmas vacation. Things pick up for fall, and then January through May.” They both work full time and their 3 kids (all 9 and under) are in school.

Jim and I looked at each other and at the very same time said, “We can’t do that.”

Several years ago, another couple told us this: “Ministry costs you something. You don’t do this without sacrificing and giving up many things.”

I might be wrong here, but I’ve come to a place where I don’t agree. King David of Bible fame once wouldn’t give the wheat on the threshing floor because it “cost him nothing.” That means it wasn’t a sacrifice. I look at a lot of the things that we’ve “given up” as NOT sacrifices. Honestly, there were many frivolous things I’ve done with my time that I don’t do any more, and I really don’t miss them in the slightest. What we won’t give up is putting our family relationships first.

I will also honestly tell you that I don’t have life balance right now – I’m too busy. And I hate that phrase, I hate admitting it, and I’ll call it what it is: SIN on my part. But I’m not blaming ministry for that, I’m blaming my inability to be consistently organized, choose what’s good and what God wants over what seems excellent and what I want (because sometimes I forget to ask Him…J), and my disdain for laundry.

Sometimes I think my laundry has more sex than I do – it just keeps multiplying, no matter how often I do it.

The laundry, I mean! J

My decision to procrastinate on several things resulting in this lack of life balance has caused me stress. I have refused to not build relationship with my kids, not be involved in their things, or stop spending time with my husband, however. They are my number 2 priority – my time with God is first (even though my lack of listening and asking got me into this mess in the first place – hey, I’m SO far from perfect! J).

And this morning, as I read Proverbs 28: 13, “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy,” my heart was filled with gladness.

I have apologized to my kids and husband, confessed my sin in this area to them, told them I’m trying to keep them as a priority, and asked them to help me tough it out here at home for a while as I’m learning how to straighten things out. My husband has responded recently with a, “How can I help you today?” question, more frequent phone calls to check on me, and my kids are pitching in while mom is figuring it out. And we’re coming up with creative solutions, like making dinner part of homeschool lessons so that that task gets completed and people learn something in the process. You would have liked our Roman Dinner my 10 year old daughter made two days ago!

And one of my sons out of the blue made me cry yesterday…”Mom, I know you are absolutely swamped right now. I just want you to know that I appreciate all the time you spend with me, taking me places and helping me with stuff, listening… and just so you know, I still feel like I’m really important to you. Just thought you should know that.”

My eyes filled with tears of gratitude.

Not only am I a recipient of mercy, but His love through these people in my life.

One of the biggest mistakes we make as spouses, friends, and parents is to “conceal our sins,” to withhold apologizing.

People know we’re messing up – if we swallow our pride and confess our imperfections and struggles, it helps us connect with them on a deeper basis. It’s the glue that binds people together in this thing called, “Family.”

Dare you today to be brave enough to be real, be transparent, be apologetic as opposed to prideful with the people who are most important to you. It will make a huge impact in your relationships.

Double dog dare you to share, comment, or subscribe and join us on this journey!

Thankful to be walking the path with you this morning,

~Nina

Be NEW…

I Can’t Take Another Day…

“33 years is a long time to have a parched soul,” she said.

The words, “wimpy,” or “spoiled,” do not apply to her.

Their marriage has weathered an affair, unemployment, miscarriage, 6 children, various parenting heartaches and a few bouts of depression.

And this day, she’s finally had enough.

“Every day it is the same, and at the end of it, I’m exhausted. I get home, and he bosses me around like I’m some sort of servant to him. Never a kind word for all I do. Always pointing out what isn’t perfect. He calls me names, tells me how stupid I am in front of my kids. He yells at me when things aren’t perfect. He’s never hit me, but sometimes I’m afraid of him, and I know my teenage daughter is, also. I have nothing left to give and I want this to stop!” she said.

After making sure she understood that I empathized and grieved with her over her pain, I gently asked her why she continued to wait on him hand and foot if he treated her this way.

She looked at me incredulously. “What about serving your family? What about being a good Christian wife? What about submitting to his authority?”

I looked at her, and said, “Allowing yourself to be a doormat and being resentful about serving isn’t what God intended, either. Your husband is supposed to treat you with respect as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7), but you aren’t behaving as though you deserve respect.”

I’ll probably get a bunch of email and Scripture references thrown at me over what I said next.

“I don’t pretend to know your heart, whether or not you’ve righteously been Christ to this man for over 30 years or not. Nor can I know if you have truly had a “gentle and quiet spirit” as talked about in 1 Peter 3:1-7. But I do know that if you have consistently done these things, AND he feels respected by you, Revelation 2:1-7 reveals a mystery in relation to the verses in Ephesians 5, which relate to Christ’s relationship to the church. He’ll reveal to you what to do if you’re ready for it,” I encouraged her. “And by the way, you are right. This situation SHOULD stop. And God wired you for relationship – so if you don’t like the way things are, change them. But recognize that what you are doing isn’t working and hasn’t been, so yes, do something different.”

Dr. Kevin Leman wrote a book on this concept of mutual respect entitled, “Have a New Husband by Friday.” By the way, it doesn’t work if wives aren’t fully understanding and behaving respectfully toward their husbands FIRST.

“God wants you to stay in your marriage. But he also wants your marriage to reflect Christ’s relationship with the church. You don’t create this by being co-dependent and enduring verbal abuse.”

With the several hundred marriages I’ve interacted with over the years in ministry, and even the thousands of people I’ve worked with at Dale Carnegie, I’m still surprised to find so many people that allow themselves to be treated like doormats, or think that being a steam roller in a marriage or parenting relationship is acceptable. For as many men and women who are doormats (usually because they don’t know what to do, but still crave relationship and deep connection) there are as many who are steam rollers, shoving their will upon those they live with, inconsiderately getting their own way regardless of who they harm in the process. Somewhere along the line, we’re missing the message that we don’t have to get our point across by raising our voices, swearing, or being nasty to others. Somewhere along the line, we’ve gone to the other extreme and decided it’s acceptable to allow others to be abusive to us.

We’ve lost the fine art of being gentle and loving and strong while dignified in our relationships.

I’ll confess in the past, I too have vacillated between doormat and steam roller, and am on a better (but not perfect! J) path now.

I can tell you it changes everything.

Because HE changes everything, if we’ll just obey.

But few of us look like Jesus or have marriages that reflect His relationship with the church. So no wonder people don’t put give much credibility to religion – it looks like it doesn’t work.

The upcoming generation is most interested in what works. 12-18 year olds are leaving the church emotionally and physically in droves because their belief system is the opposite of their parents. Mom and Dad (if over 40 and having grown up in the church) believe their life will work because their religious beliefs are true. Their kids these days need proof – if life works, then the beliefs are true. Check Barna.org’s info on this here. Unfortunately, the overwhelming perception is that we grown-ups are a bunch of hypocrites.

If we really believe what we say we believe but are still miserable and doing marriage and parenting badly, the challenge is in our execution of our beliefs. No, that’s not exactly true. The challenge is in our leaning on God, listening, and most importantly obeying Him, in a culture where we are so self-sufficient we “don’t really need Him.”

Today, I sense God daring us to doubt the way we’ve been doing life. Daring us to think it’s not just possible, but likely that we don’t know how to do this well. Daring us to rethink how much we obey His teachings and desire deep relationship with Him.

Check Proverbs 12 today…especially the verses on watering. Perhaps we have the wrong can in our hands, one that doesn’t bring life to our marriage, ourselves, our spouse, kids, or those who are watching…

Double-dog-dare you to share! :)

Thanks for Grounding Me…??

“Thank you, mom, for loving me enough to follow through. I appreciate that you grounded me,” my child said to me.

Wait.

What?

Thank you?

I asked said child, “Why do you appreciate getting grounded? You are missing out on your friends and video game time…and tv…??”

I was mystified.

“Because if you let me walk all over you, that just means you love yourself and easy stuff more than you love me. I need consequences, or I’m just going to do this again.”

Okay.

Wow.

No idea.

So…when I have painful circumstances in my life, I can know it’s because He loves me. Check Proverbs 3 . It’s all spelled out.

And discipline your kids. Because you love them. More on life’s consequences here.

Dare you to subscribe to our walk through Proverbs as we attempt to grow in wisdom.

Double-dog-dare you to share or invite friends! J

Thankful to be on the journey with you,

~Nina