Tag Archives: Frustration

Driving Under the Influence of Anger…

Posted on June 30, 2011 | 1 Comment

I apologized to my husband for driving into the side of the garage.

Acting childishly, and furious at him over something stupid (and not the point of this blog, so I won’t go into it), I hastily pulled away, paying no attention to the enormous dwelling next to the vehicle, clipping the brick and nailing the corner of the van.

So for the last several months, we decorated and secured the front fender with duct tape.

And God used this situation to teach me a ton of things about marriage. Like what “one flesh” can look like in the midst of sin.

I have to admit it’s not the most attractive thing to drive:

And honestly, I really don’t care what I drive. Someday, I’ll own a Ford Mustang Convertible… but for now, I chauffeur children, pets, sports and musical equipment.

So yesterday, while I was on my way to a meeting, my husband called, wanting to know if I was doing anything that afternoon.

Uh-Oh.

I asked him what he needed, and he let me know he had found a used van to replace our high mileage-and-damaged old one.

Oh.

He needed the duct-tape clad vehicle detailed so he could see what he could get for it from the used car dealer.

He wanted to come home in a few hours to get it.

I paused.

And I thought.

Then made a decision.

I chose to turn around and go home and spend the next three hours detailing the van.

He thanked me profusely for doing this. I called and explained myself to our Operations Director, who, because she is a grown up and holds the same values that I do (especially the one about “family and husband comes first over ministry meetings”) understood completely and encouraged me.

And God blessed me for my choice through a phone call from a friend, so I wasn’t working alone.

So while I made the wrong choice initially (to be angry enough at another to be careless enough to damage our property), I felt like I had been given a second chance to right the wrong. Yes, I had apologized to my husband for smashing the van. Yes, I told my children what I had done and why it was wrong, and asked their forgiveness as well. But instead of acting like a put-out spoiled brat, inconvenienced by my hub’s desire to replace the above vehicle, I embraced an opportunity and chose to think about the situation and my husband as God would see both.

And what did I see?

My hub just wanted to bless me. There was nothing about his communication that said, “You owe me this. This is your fault in the first place.” He was interacting with me in a healthy-adult way, allowing me the freedom to make my own choices. And because I realized that, I could have said, “No, I have a meeting,” and he would have figured something else out. Instead, I chose to be part of “team Roesner,” just like my husband was doing. And I remembered months ago, instead of being angry at me about how I had damaged the van, he accepted my apology, replaced the lights, and repeatedly checked and replaced the duct tape for me. But most importantly, he didn’t hold a grudge. He acted like a grown up and moved on.

God showed me those things. I probably wouldn’t have seen them on my own.

So, while I don’t care what I drive, I choose to feel blessed because my knight in shining armor delivered a new-to-us chariot to his princess last night, in her very favorite color in the whole world:

And this morning, when the Lord shared Proverbs 30:33 with me:

For the churning of milk produces butter, and pressing the nose brings forth blood; so the churning of anger produces strife.

I saw what could have been, and so often is, the reality for too many people.

Strife.

Because of churning. Holding onto grudges, letting things fester, blaming others, etc.

And humbly, I recognize how even sin handled well produces blessing.

I don’t deserve this gift.

And I’m not talking about the van.

I’m talking about my husband’s gracious attitude and gentle care of me in the midst of it all.

I don’t deserve Jesus, either, and yet, when we accept the gift, proclaim Him as Lord, and then start living our lives for Him alone, those around us are influenced and do likewise. Undeserved grace is what I received from my Lord and my husband.

Dare you to trust Him enough this morning to do likewise… He really does know best. His ways are always perfect.

AND… Double-Dog-Dare you to read the rest of Proverbs 30 to see what other nuggets He has for you this day: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs%2030&version=NASB

Glad to be on the journey with you!

~Nina

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Praying for Patience…

Posted on June 29, 2011 | 4 Comments

I have stopped praying for patience. For close to seven years, each time I would send that request heavenward, I would get pregnant.

I didn’t know that I didn’t know patience was a fruit of the Spirit that was learned over time. Just being honest here… I literally was hoping for a direct injection of the virtue.

So when I finally figured out that patience was developed over time and through difficult circumstances (3 children and 4 pregnancies later) I stopped asking for it. J

Years before, still naively hoping for the injected version, when the nurse handed my first-born son to me as we were leaving the hospital, I remember thinking, “I can’t believe they are just letting me go home with this baby! Doesn’t anyone know I don’t know what I’m doing?” Panic, post-partum depression, exhaustion, and perfectionism combined with lack of knowledge quickly evolved into an over-achieving, reading, and learning exhausted mother. I spent my days absorbing books on breast-feeding, parenting, toddler-hood versus newborn stages, all while neglecting the laundry, dirty dishes, and the vacuuming.

Given that newborns don’t do much besides sleep and process food in and out, it’s all a little ridiculous in retrospect. By the time my third baby showed up, God had grown me, and I was more comfortable in my own skin and with mothering in general. When baby #3 arrived, a grumpy nurse chided me, “Where’s the baby?! She should be in her bassinet!!” Explaining that I preferred to hold her while she slept, the nurse started in again, “You might fall asleep and she might suffocate. You could drop her. She should be in her bassinet unless you are feeding her.” This time, I did what my God-given instincts would have me do – I gently held my ground, unwilling to do what I sensed was incorrect. “I have two other children that have lived. It’s all good. Thank you for your concern.” She huffed, and clearly irritated with me, left. I smiled, unconcerned with her feelings towards me. Had the Lord not grown me in patience (through living life with the other two children and my husband), I can easily see how I would have been angry and acted foolishly as,

Proverbs 29:11 reads, “A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back.”

But before I start to sound as though I think I’m wise in my own eyes (that’s pride, and that’s also sin), I remember now that I am mothering teenagers.

And I love it. (Gulp! J)

But we are on new territory again. Because sometimes it seems some unseen force irregularly replaces brain cells and common sense with marshmallow fluff, and yet a few moments later, a profound, mature, deep adult thought emerges from the same brain, articulated clearly and succinctly. I marvel at the complexity of these man-boy creatures. And daily, I go where I’ve never gone before (sorry, waxing Star Trek for a moment).

God always provides opportunity for us to do one of two things: follow the path of righteousness, or to choose sin.

Right now, my two teens are working for me over the summer, doing yard work, cleaning, and painting. And I know better than to pray for patience! So I’m making decisions daily about whether or not I’m going to act like a fool and lose my temper, or be a grown up and hold it back. And, admittedly, I’m still growing in patience. There’s no arrival, is there?

Sigh.

So now I’m praying that He fills me with His Spirit, and I’m making time for Him and His Word each morning to create a heart where He will dwell – because without that time, I can’t hear His voice.

And because teenagers can be as scary to deal with as new babies and toddlers, yeah, I need His insight.

Like me, you are probably facing some opportunities that challenge you. I know that applying the truths found in “The Respect Dare” work as well with my sons as my husband. And it’s my prayer that you join me in searching His Word for the wisdom we both seek, starting with Proverbs 29:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs%2029&version=NASB

Dare you to read all of it today – listening to His insight and where it applies to your life.

Double-Dog-Dare you to “Email Subscribe” (above, to right of this post) to the blog as we walk the way of wisdom together.

Glad to be on the journey with you!

~Nina

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But I Feel So Alone…

Posted on June 16, 2011 | 5 Comments

“Is this my lot in life? To forever have sorrow and pain as my companions? Will I never have the joy and peace promised me because of my husband’s sin?” My friend wept and I honestly didn’t know what to say to her. The man she trusted her heart to so many years prior seemed to actively choose the adulterous affair, even though he said he wanted to stop. I ached to reach through the phone and hold her while she cried, but could not. Miles separated us and I felt helpless to comfort her. “He doesn’t waste anything, love. You are not responsible for what your man has chosen, but God will use this to teach you things about yourself as well. I will continue to pray.” It was the best I could do and all I knew to be true at the moment.

And later, I thought of someone I mentor. She recently started a women’s ministry of her own. Frequently amazed, I listened over the course of a year to her stories and marveled at how they paralleled my own experiences just six years ago as I started Greater Impact. I have to admit, I still find it somewhat funny that I’m mentoring someone on ministry activity – I still don’t really know what I’m doing :) and maybe never will! But our team is listening to Him, and He continues to show us each step of the way. Anyway, the recurring theme between my women friends and my own experience was this: aloneness. “It’s like God wants me to trust only Him, He’s taken every relationship that I seriously leaned on for support, encouragement, direction – and proven them untrustworthy,” my friend said to me one day. I remembered asking Him why He had done that very thing to me those years ago. Years later, with the difficulties resolved, I can clearly see what He accomplished – my full dependence upon Him. I wouldn’t do that on my own, so He helped me get it right. Just like my dear friend’s marriage and many others shared with me.

When I rose this morning, I did not find it surprising that these were the Scriptures He had for me:

“Whom have I in Heaven but You? And I have no delight or desire on earth beside You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the rock and firm strength of my heart, and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:25-26 AMP)

and,

“For Your mercy and loving-kindness are great and high as the heavens! Your truth and faithfulness reach to the skies!” (Psalm 108:4 AMP)

There were our experiences, right there in His Word, although my married friend had yet to receive completeness in Him. I frequently hear from wives around the US and Canada how they are “missionaries in their own homes,” and the above Words can encourage them from His Word in their ministry within their marriages. David, who most likely wrote those Scriptures, found himself frequently surrounded by people but felt alone. And he was the biggest whiner in Scripture. And God used him to share with us that there is NO ONE, here or in Heaven itself, who will delight and fill us up in the way our heart aches, other than our Lord, Jesus Christ. HE is our portion. Complete. In Him alone (pun intended), there IS more.

We waste time wanting human arms to comfort us, human words to affirm us, and human relationships to fill us up – they just can’t. And we can’t do that for others, try as we might. Yes, He uses us sometimes to bring those things, but if it is through humans only that we are capable of receiving His love, we need to travel further on the journey of sanctification.  We don’t obey like He wants us to, and He knows we need to get to the point where we’re willing to try anything, even obeying Him on the harder things, like growing up and maturing on purpose, embracing our pain and seeking purpose in it… that whole “become like Jesus” thing.   And because we won’t pursue Him naturally on our own, He allows pain and sorrow into our lives. They are the companions who teach.  And the goal is for us to be able to see people the way He does, through the lens of the Holy Spirit (paying attention to whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy or excellent and think about those things, Phil 4:8), through the Eyes of Grace.

Dare you today to pursue relationship with the Father through the Son. Double-dog-dare you to confess you don’t know how to do this on your own and ask Him to help.

He’s faithful beyond compare, reaching to the skies.

And He’ll knock your socks off! Just give it time and learn at His pace for you. TRUST that He knows best.

Love to you,

~Nina

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How to Calm Down an Angry Husband

Posted on May 10, 2011 | 9 Comments

Your husband says to you, “You never…” or “You always…” or whatever.  Your natural reaction is to be what?  How about ticked?

Or hurt. Or worse yet, scared.

But yes, probably angry.  Unless you are scared.  Or don’t know what to do.  And that usually results in being a doormat.  Which doesn’t work, either.

So what do we do with the anger and hurt?  React.  Retaliate.

And we know how well THAT works.

I’m going to suggest something completely different, but what God wants us to do – James 1:19 says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and even slower to become angry.”

I dare you to: Reflect.

Here’s the situation.  Husband is upset.  Angry.  Furious even.  Let him vent.  A while, if necessary.  Then, choosing to be interested, say back, “So if I understand you correctly, you are feeling (insert hub’s negative emotion here) and (more – yes, elaborate), right?”

“Yes,” he says.

“Can you tell me more about that?”  You say.  At this point his gaze becomes dazed and confused.  Puzzled. No one ever wants to know more about why he feels the way he feels, especially when it’s negative.  “Please?  I want to understand,” you say. So maybe he trusts this and gives you more.  But as he does, he’s calming down, which is what you were looking for - calm discussion.  NOW we can work through the issue - because until the emotions are dealt with and validated, the “issue isn’t the issue” – the emotions are.

Double-dog-dare you to Reflect.  Again.  “So if I understand what you are saying…(insert summarized reflection of his thoughts and feelings here).”

“Yes,” he says.  Calmly, too.

“What I’m wondering is… (insert thought that’s contrary to his opinion here).  How does that fit with what you are saying?”  You gently ask.

And that’s how a healthy person, solid in who he or she is in Christ, does conflict.  There’s no ”owning” another person’s negative feelings (“He feels bad, it must be my fault”) or “fixing” going on (“He feels bad, I must make him feel better”).  You trust God enough to let Him have the relationship He has with your spouse, trusting Him to work things out in His timing.  On a simple level, it’s being respectful of other’s opinions and feelings, handling the other person as a precious creation of God Himself.

And then asking questions instead of arguing which only serves to arouse resentment and defensiveness.

Galatians 5:1 says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

We can focus on what Christ focuses on, God’s love, or we can busy ourselves with condemnation and judgment.  If Christ talks about God’s love 26 times more than He mentions sin, shouldn’t we be doing the same?  What’s amazing is that within a climate of trust in relationship, people will actually ask for feedback or help with their sin, or apologize.  Too often, we keep another person from getting to that point by making them defensive with our condemnation. Sometimes I wonder if we Christians are actually about helping others see the Truth, or are more about punishing those who don’t behave as we think they should – because of our own fears or anger issues.

Seems like the cross took care of that…

So what do we do if in love, we do these things, and he keeps being aggressive?  We need to insert some s-p-a-c-e into the discussion.  We need to “unhook” the emotion.

Sometimes it’s a simple, “I love you to pieces, and I really want to work through this in a way that honors you and God…I’m going to chill for a bit so that we can both talk about this more effectively.”  (Translation:  Either you or I are losing it and that’s not okay, so I’m taking a break from this conversation before I say something I might regret later.)  Sometimes that  s-p-a-c-e looks like, “I love you a ton, and I can’t hear you when you are screaming at me and throwing things – it just makes me afraid of you, which I’m sure you don’t really want, either.  I’m leaving for the rest of the night and I’ll be back tomorrow and maybe we can walk through this better.” (Translation:  I’m not staying here if you are dangerous).

Neither of these things work if we communicate them in anger, btw.  If we are gentle, loving, and kind when we say them, usually, it disengages them from their upset attitude and is like pressing the “reset” button in the discussion.

BUT:  I’ve also talked to wives who have felt led by God and had weird circumstances and Scripture confirm that they are to be martyrs in their own homes.  So regardless of whether your husband is literally abusive or whether he is “normal” (whatever that means) LISTEN to God over anything I ever say.

I don’t pretend to know your husband, nor am I married to your guy, so any advice I give might be worth what you paid for it, which is NOTHING.  :)

Want to see the Spirit at work in your relationships?  Approach conflict in this way, in an effort to connect instead of condemn, and your relationships will look dramatically different!

NOTE:  If you are dealing with a man who is abusive and dangerous, please consider getting things right on your end, but also consider a Matthew 18 confrontation, especially if you have children.  Know that your lack of intervention is perceived by your kids as the condoning of abuse and is also sin.

But being brave…while being respectful, it’s what The Respect Dare is all about!

Dare ya!

~Nina

Galatians 5:22-23: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

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