Tag Archives: fear

But He is NOT Responsible!!

Posted on April 5, 2013 | 11 Comments

Yesterday on the blog, we had the following question from Geena:

So in my case is “respect” allowing him to make decisions even though everything inside me is screaming against it? Even though my instincts and logic say no? Do I respect him by allowing him to put our family at financial peril and risk losing our home? What does it look like?

I started to reply to her, and realized there was a ton of great info that might be of help to more than just her here, so I created a post about it.  First of all, know our hearts go out to you if you are in a similar circumstance.  SO sorry you are here, praying with you for guidance.  Perhaps you haven’t heard what God teaches some of His women…if you haven’t, maybe this will be of some help.  Given that the number one reason people divorce in the US is money issues – we’ve come up with a suggested formula for Christian marriage improvement:  Dave Ramsey + Respect Dare = Better Marriages that Last.

Old Mothering/Controlling/Unwise/Immature Way:

He says: “I’m going to buy that (whatever it is that I want but can’t afford right now).”

You say: “Are you kidding me? Don’t you care that we owe Visa $2500? Where do you think that money’s coming from? Don’t you think about anything but yourself?”

The end result – argument started. Anger ensues on both sides. Feelings are hurt, damage is done to the relationship. Both people feel resentful.

He’s thinking: “Who does she think she is? I work hard. She can’t talk to me like that! I’ll do whatever I want. Why doesn’t she respect me?”

She’s thinking: Well, she said that. And “I’m scared to death! Why won’t he take care of me?! Why won’t he act like a grown up instead of a little boy?”

New Equal/Wise/Mature Way:

He says: “I’m going to buy that (whatever it is that I want but can’t afford right now).”

You say: “Oh! The one you’ve been looking at for weeks? The red one?”

**This is a respectful response, AND, you’ve just avoided Respect Mistake #1: Having a Harsh Startup in your response.

He says: “Yeah, isn’t it sweet? It will (do this wondrous thing that makes me feel awesome)!”

You say: “Oh, yeah, you are right about that…I can just see you doing (wondrous thing) and looking really hot while doing it!”

**This is a respectful response because you affirmed him as a man, AND you just avoided Respect Mistake #2: Being argumentative in your response.

He says: “You know it! :) K. So I’m off to go get it!”

You say: “Hey, baby, I totally understand why you want to get (that thing you love) and I really DO think you would look just awesome (driving it, wearing it, whatever) (make sure all of that is sincere – there but for the grace of God goes you, remember?) …one thing I’m really struggling with is if now is the right time to get it. I know how hard you work and I know how cool it would be to have it, and I’m really struggling with spending money on that when we can’t make the house payment this month (or whatever it is). I really want you to have it, but I also know you want to take care of us – and I don’t think I could sleep at night if you got it now – can we just wait a little while? Maybe pray about it for a few days – I’m sure God will help us both, here. Will you do that for me?”

He says: “Oh, yeah…I guess so…”

You say: “Oh, honey, you make me feel so well-loved right now. I know you’ll do the right thing.” (smile/squeeze/kiss/hug/etc.)

**This is a respectful response because you empathized with his position, showed him you were his number one fan, regarded his efforts highly, and communicated your concerns, which gives him a high calling to rise up to, then asked a question he’s apt to say, “yes,” to.

Don’t you like to be affirmed? Or do you prefer having others “correct” you when you are wrong? Wouldn’t you rather have empathy and compassion instead of direct argument and disagreement? Don’t you prefer having others think highly of you?

111412_1846_HusbandSeem1.jpgHe’s not any different.

If things do not go this way, and you’ve done everything above, then just like Sarah, you know God may use this situation to teach either you, or him, or both, a lesson. OR, God may have a third option that He wants to work out, one which neither of you had considered. Regardless, you do not have to be afraid, because you are obeying God. The above suggestions are Biblical in nature. Here’s why:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 We see this in both the first and second mistakes. If you begin by arguing, he’s going to dig in his heels and respond defensively – even if he realizes he’s wrong. Here’s why. Lastly, we are told, “Do not lie to each other,” in Colossians 3:9, so you should share that you are concerned about the house payment, but not in a nasty way. We are told Jesus “had compassion” multiple times in Scripture – and should likewise because it is Christ-like and treats people lovingly, kindly. We are also called to “build each other up” instead of tearing one another down in 1 Thessalonians 5:11. Research in “For Women Only,” by Shaunti Feldhahn shows that men need to know they are needed, especially if you are a capable woman who also earns an income. Proverbs 26:5 tells us to deal with ‘fools’ according to their folly, so asking a question respectfully, but one which he can easily say, “yes” to fits there.

God is going to grow both of you. Just because we might do things differently doesn’t mean we are always right. And treating someone like a child – even if he’s acting like one – only generates more immature behavior – in both people… two wrongs do not make a right.

Sometimes we need ask ourselves if we have what it takes to be an Israelite. Would you wander the desert, not knowing where you would lay your head, find your next meal, or whether you would have any comforts? Or must you have all these things of this world? What if God meant for you to lay down your comforts for the soul of one of your children? Would you do that? Would you do the same for each of your kids? Of course you would.

Would you do it for another adult who doesn’t know Him?

I don’t know about you, but that’s the question that slays me.

And it speaks volumes of our relationship with Him. Do we have the mind and heart of Christ?

Are we living this life for what we can get out of it for ourselves, or to be useful for the Audience of One? For His glory? Or for our own?

“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15.

Don’t buy the lie that you are somehow “less than” him or “second class” because there is suffering in your life – the Christian life is fraught with suffering.  Christ did NOT say, “Hop on my yacht and party with me!” He said, “Pick up your cross and follow me.” And 11 of the 12 disciples were murdered for their faith.  This is not an easy road – stop expecting it to be.

And sometimes, after having a number of the above conversations and being met with no progress and continued worsening behavior, God may say, “Time for Matthew 18.” That’s the godly way we confront our brother’s sin against us. And our hearts have to be in a place of kindness, compassion, and love to do so effectively. Often, this is harder than the original situation we’re dealing with, as it’s done in escalating circumstances – with people to witness what you say to him and hold him accountable. Choose those people well, if you are in that situation.

Dare you to beg God for wisdom today. Double dog dare you to read a Proverb daily for the date – if today’s the 5th, you read Proverbs 5. Triple dog dare you to learn to walk in wisdom and do so in front of your daughters – so they also learn. I don’t know about you, but these mentors were missing in my life. Don’t you want to be that kind of woman for the young ladies around you? Sign up for Dave Ramsey, too.  Totally worth it. (and no, I don’t get anything for mentioning him – it’s just really good).

Love to you,

~Nina

What about you? Thoughts?

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, Got Pain?, Growing, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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Got Troubles?

Posted on March 19, 2013 | 24 Comments

Friday, fear’s flaming tongue licked around the edges of my world as symptoms heralding the potential presence of a devastating disease for one of my children made itself known at a routine doctor’s appointment. Saturday brought with it the news that our other son would also be having his second surgery this summer. Two teenagers with surgery, both with general anesthesia, one with a two week recovery period, the other with a two month one, plus the potential disease. Jesus, come NOW.

By Sunday, my heart was as heavy as it’s ever been.

Our pastor spoke about suffering and trials 1 Peter 5 style, reminding us in verses 9 and 10, “But resist him (the devil), firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.”

I can think of no greater suffering than the sheer terror of concern for the safety of one’s own child, but two children? Last week, I had just wrapped my brain around the surgery for my one son… to have the threat of additional disease plus the other son’s surgery was about to put me over the top. And if you remember from last week, I’ve been begging God to teach me how to have joy in the midst of all this.

So Sunday, when our pastor had us get into small groups to pray before communion, I couldn’t. All I could eek out was, “Heavenly Father…” and I wept. I joined up with some older people at the church, and of course they prayed thankfully with gratitude.

I wept more.

And when we got home from church, I changed clothes, skipped lunch, and left for the barn.

On the way, I listened to my favorite Christian radio station, Star 93.3 FM. Not surprisingly, all the songs seemed to be directed at our circumstances. And there was a brief story about a little boy with a heart condition who nearly died, but kept saying, “I am not afraid, Jesus is with me,” over and over again.

He was speaking.

Through my tears and aching heart, I was trying to listen.

I wept and drove and prayed for the 25 minutes it takes to get to my friend’s house and her barn, where she lets me lease her horses. As I rounded the corner, I started into my own little pity party (sorry I didn’t invite you) about how lame it is that we can’t actually own horses and land and a house in the country… Instead of being grateful for the home we actually have AND the opportunity to ride, I fussed to myself (and Him) about how life would be so different if we actually owned horses… that the relationships that are possible with these amazing animals would be so much deeper if they were mine and I saw them more than a few times a week… how if I actually owned my own horses, they would come running towards me when I came to the barn to ride them… but that will never happen because we just can’t get to a place with leased ones where it would even be possible…

And so my lament went.

Stopping at the barn, I remembered His Word, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

I complained about that, too – “I’ve been looking to You for everything, You have all of me, and You know I’d do anything You asked me to do, but I don’t know how to find delight in the midst of this. If one of them dies in surgery, I know where he’d go, but I don’t want to think about waiting for decades to see him again… I’m not there yet. You give and take away, and I understand and am reverently fearful of You, but my faith is not big enough for this.”

After the song ended, I got out of my van.

Then I began to weep for a new reason.

The horses had seen me – and were galloping towards me… for the first time ever.

I threw my arms up in the air, crying out, “You love me!” as much as to Him as to them.

I didn’t know I even wondered.

My heart felt so full with delight I thought it would burst, and I sensed His presence so strongly I felt my body could not contain Him.

And the fear left, taking its friend, doubt, with it. Trust joined me for the rest of the day. In fact, it’s taking up permanent residence.

That night, while watching the first episode of “The Bible,” series that we recorded, God reminded me through the story of Abram that He tests our faith. If you aren’t familiar with the story, Abram and his wife, Sarai waited 25 years for Isaac – then God tested Abram’s faith by telling him to sacrifice this son. The directive flew in the face of everything Abram thought he knew about what God had told him up to that point, but he took the boy on a journey, built the altar, and nearly plunged the knife into his beloved son’s chest before God stopped him, knowing his heart was truly His. And then we watched Moses being beaten, and the Israelites suffering. I recalled Job, how he lost his entire fortune, his family, and nearly his life, but remained faithful, as did the rest of the “greats” in the Bible.

And I knew this level of faith was not something any human could do on our own, but rather a gift of God Himself – a thing He does within us.

So this morning, as I am about to set way too many doctor’s appointments, I remember these things. And I thank Him for the trust He gave me in Himself. I repent of my fear, and take my thoughts captive as I continue the journey, only knowing the next step, and having that be enough.

God gives grace to the humble, and so today, I’m giving thanks for the trials. For the surgery, for the struggles, for the stress, for the potential problems. And that other guy is far from me. Dare you today to give thanks for your problems, even the ones with your marriage – regardless of the circumstances you are in. Beg Him to reveal His joy in the midst of difficulties. And expect suffering – it’s His way. Be thankful for it. Trials grow mature faith and dependence upon Him. And as we grow in our walk, He will bring us blessings in the midst of sufferings – blessings that are unexplainable.

Like galloping horses, He will run out to meet you with them.

And His light will shine through your life to others.

“No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Joshua 1:5

“O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.” Psalm 84:12

As for me, I believe this is the place His strength in us starts. Thanking Him for suffering, seeing the blessings He gives to a heart yearning to learn and obey. Dare you to beg Him for this humble attitude in your life. I know I’m praying for it myself. The second thing I”m doing is confiding in my believing husband – I tried to bear this burden alone with God, and He wants us to do things in community.  I’m starting with my husband, then I’m sure we’ll ask for prayer (and help) from our church body.

Glad you are on the journey with us.

Love to you,

~Nina

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Got Fear?

Posted on March 6, 2013 | 14 Comments

Multiple times a day, my heart begins to pound and my eyes fill with tears as the hot flames of fear lick around the edges of my mother’s heart.

One of our sons will be having surgery this year.

We have already “been there and done that” with his older brother – with the same surgery. If you are interested, I blogged about that experience here.

And sometime this year, I’ll have two sons with metal bars implanted in their chests, inserted and flipped to harshly, but immediately, pull their sternums out of their hearts.

Tuesday, when I walked down the hall at the hospital, leaving my son in the MRI that would determine whether or not he would have the surgery, the tears welled and I felt dread.

I walked down that hall once before, three years ago, not knowing the horror and blessing of the outcome. The feeling gripped me and my chest felt tight, my throat caught and lumpy and I wondered, “What IS this?”

And I realized I was afraid.

Afraid of things I’m not going to breathe life into by saying them here.

And so I prayed. And as I prayed, I had a knowing, a sense of more. That this time, I would not be focused on comfort and peace, but rather peace and joy. JOY?

Joy.

“Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say: ‘Rejoice!’” says Paul in Philippians 4:8.

“I don’t know how,” I cried. “Teach me, please,” I begged.

And He is.

He has started by teaching me (again :) ) to take every single thought captive, and make it succumb to His Word. He has told me this morning to “do what is right” regardless – in other words, be about His business, and let Him handle these things.

I know the fear and dread will destroy my health and my relationships if I let it. So today, I am doing the same thing I did yesterday, which is praying literally about a hundred times a day, “Show me Your joy in this – teach me how to have joy right now.”

And this morning, He reminded me that He is in control. He reminded me of the many blessings in our lives. He reminded me of His sovereignty. He reminded me that my worry adds NOTHING to my life.

Luke 12:25-26 “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

And Philippians 4:8-13 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me–practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

I know God has allowed these circumstances.

I know He wants me to learn to be about His business (practice these things Phil 4:9) regardless of my circumstances.  And in doing so, I believe I will be a better mother and a more godly woman.  It might even impact my marriage.

I would not have picked this.

But I am learning.

Dare you to do likewise today. Dare you to subscribe to what we’re doing here on the blog – the journey is better together! And frankly, I’m seriously interested in being with gobs of people on this journey… Double dog dare you to comment on what He’s teaching you today…

Oh, so very very thankful you are here.

Love to you,

~Nina


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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Pain?, Growing

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Got An Angry Man??

Posted on February 6, 2013 | 23 Comments

Her heart desires to be respectful, whether he deserves it or not… because she knows God at least enough by now to know this is a matter of obedience for her…but he’s a scary man.

Prone to anger.

Prone to harsh words, threatening stances, and bruises for her and the children.

Young woman with red duct tape on her lipsAnd she asks, “Is it disrespectful to confront him before he hurts the children?“

And I tell her, “To speak for those who cannot speak for themselves is not disrespect – how you go about it, however, is a different story. As a mother, you are responsible for the safety of those in your care. Neglect or condoning abuse is also abuse.”

And my heart remembers the too many women whose hearts were broken by one of their parents doing nothing while the other hurt them either with words, or worse… As adults, they are still feeling abandoned and unsafe.

I let her know that she, like some women, might feel called to leave. I may have shared 1 Corinthians 7:11 with her, where she’s not supposed to leave, but if she does, it is for the purpose of reconciliation, so God is already aware that He might ask some of His wives to leave. 

I remind her she is not responsible for his sinful behavior.  

And she reveals a depth of faith I have seen in but a few women. She says, “I am here to change me… to grow closer to God… Because I really do believe He told me about a year ago to be obedient to Him in respecting my husband regardless of how he treats me. I do love my husband for who he is… God has given me eyes to see and love him the same way that I believe He loves him. I know God is bigger than the hurts that have been committed against me, I trust that He is bigger than any damage may be caused to my children, and I know – for a FACT – that He is bigger than whatever is in my husband…”

And I know I am treading on sacred ground.

Ephesians 5:33 “and the wife must respect her husband.”

Ephesians 5:22,24 “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord…Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

Those are hard verses, particularly when combined with the even harder truth of the walk of faith found in 1 Peter 2 – that we will endure much suffering for the cause of Christ.

And so I share with her some of the things we’ve learned over the years. And she lets me know the next day what happened, and I stand in awe of the strength and dignity with which she communicates.

With words, she not only avoided being perceived as a threat, but she also raised the standard for her husband, and called him to a higher ground. Her words were few. They were encouraging, and factual. Her tone and her demeanor also portrayed the deep compassion of Christ. This is an example of what wise women can do, when they are completely plugged into God, listening to His direction for every word…

And this is what happened:

Her husband came into the house from work and immediately said to their son in a harsh tone, “Did you go shovel the manure yet?!” The eight year old got upset and ended up outside crying. I went out and handled the situation with him. I let him this is not punishment, it’s just a chore of his. I reminded him we need to be cheerful in what we do. And that he needs to be respectful and have a good attitude. Then I went back inside. I said, “I know that you love him. When you come through the door and ask him immediately about shoveling manure, you’re not conveying your love.” We were actually able to have a conversation and when our son came back in, he called the boy over to him. I quietly said, “Please talk with love, patience, and kindness.” They had a decent conversation and even ended the evening going on a walk, just the two of them. My husband said that when they came back our son smiled, hugged him, and said, “I wish we could do this more often, Dad!”

This is with an abusive man. Many are dealing with men who are simply angry.

Know that these men feel alone, often helpless to communicate in a way that connects them to others. This anger that we see is a secondary emotion, frequently rooted in deep pain.

I remember the wife whose husband yelled at their four year old daughter about something trivial and made her cry. She said to him, “I know you want to have an amazing relationship with your daughter. She is sobbing right now because you have terrified her. Please go help her understand that you love her and you are sorry for scaring her.”

And I remember the woman whose husband raised his hand to strike her and she left the room, locking herself in their bedroom for a time. When she came out, she knelt by his feet as he sat in a chair in their family room, took one of his hands in hers and said, “I love these hands. I love the callouses they bear from working so hard for us. And I never want to be afraid of these hands again. I want to stay here with you and know that the children and I are always safe, and that these hands bring us protection and safety.”

I don’t pretend for a moment to know what God is telling you about your situation. But I do know from the lives of the many women we have the privilege to encounter, that if you pursue relationship with God by reading His Word and obeying it, you will begin to hear His voice.

He’s always speaking.

The question really is, “Are we listening?”

And when we are, we can respond to life’s circumstances with strength and dignity and without the sin of judgment, smiling at the days to come, even in the midst of difficulty. And like Sarah, we will be her daughters if we do not give in to fear.

Know that if you are dealing with anger, you can still have a respectful response – one that respects your husband, your God, and yourself as the temple of the Holy Spirit. Know also that if your words are dripping with judgment, criticism, and condemnation, or if you are lacking in the compassion of Christ when dealing with those who hurt you, your relationship with God has some serious room for growth to eradicate pride before strength and dignity become rooted in your character.

So glad you are on the journey with us! This RESPECT Dare business is challenging, isn’t it? Have hope – as you grow closer to God, it gets easier. We see this over and over again from the women who “do the book.”

Love to you,

~Nina

So what about you? Do you have a strength and dignity story to share? Have you been able to walk through a difficult time in gentleness and love? Dare you to share it here and elsewhere – be a Titus 2 woman of encouragement today!

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, Growing, Wives

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