I’m feeling led to deal with conflict resolution for a while here. Today’s discussion is about the “average” junk we deal with on a day to day basis.
…
“I think I’m going to put the sump pump in this weekend instead of Tuesday night,” Michael commented to his wife, Charysa.
“What? Why would you want to do that? That pump is over twelve years old, it could go any time, and it’s supposed to rain on Wednesday,” she responded.
He scowled. “The pump will be fine. We haven’t had any problems yet. It won’t be an issue,” he insisted.
Charysa couldn’t believe it. Here he was, not listening to her again. “I hate the idea. But it’s not your mess to clean up if it fails, is it? Do whatever you want, like I can stop you anyhow,” she quipped, rolling her eyes at him.
“Fine. I will,” he said, walking out of the room.
“Why did it always have to go this way?” she thought to herself.
These are small things, aren’t they? In the big scheme of things like unemployment, disability, chronic illness, dying family members and abused children in the world, feeling frustrated about how our husband handles replacing a sump pump seems somewhat trivial by comparison. For most women, these daily problems and weekly concerns should be considered small. For other women, however, these small things are NOT small at all, but rather are seldom, if ever, even discussed well. Some women have husbands who are abusive, alcoholic, drug addicted, and the resultant unpredictable behaviors which threaten to erupt like the bite of a cornered angry dog. What we fail to notice is that the plethora of small things makes up a full life, regardless of whether we are afraid of our husband or not – and we either have life abundant, or we have a meager existence that drains the life out of us.
Today is a special day for us on the blog. Our sister, Shanyn, will be talking about how this looks different when you have survived an abusive relationship here. For the rest of us, can we join our sisters in prayer for their safety and His strength within them?
How these discussions about daily “small things” play out in an average conflict is easily seen in our opening story. Unfortunately, the poor handling of these “little” discussions often result in the growth of bitterness and resentment, and over time, these “small things” build upon each other, sucking the life out of a marriage.
Conflict resolved well deepens intimacy between husbands and wives… conflict resolved poorly or avoided increases distance in our relationships. Ephesians 5:33 specifically tells husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Proverbs 15:1 reveals to us that “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger.” One could argue that Michael behaved unloving and showed insensitivity toward his wife’s opinion. He was also avoiding the conflict by physically leaving the room. One could also suggest that Charysa aroused his natural defenses disrespectfully but unintentionally, by asking him “Why?” rolling her eyes, and being argumentative in her responses. “Why?” is a word commonly avoided by most men in the workplace as it communicates a challenge. Given that most men are wired to perceive threat and respond immediately, this is not a communication behavior worth using in your marriage.
What should we do differently? As more relationship-oriented than most of our husbands, we are more naturally wired to care about these interactions going well and can make a greater impact if we will change but a few things about how we approach disagreements with him. (Please know I mean no offense if you fall in the category of marriages where the styles are flip-flopped – about 15% of marriages are like that.) Remembering that the fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control, we have a few small steps that if done in the Spirit, deeply impact our interactions.
1) Validate his idea or opinion: “I hear what you are saying,” statement supported with evidence from what he told you. Avoid the word, “Why?” and enter the discussion in a calm, positive, way.
2) Ask a question to bring up new information: “What I’m wondering is how XYZ (thing he has not thought of or did not communicate that he has considered) fits into that. What do you think?”
3) Summarize his opinion to make sure you understand: “So if I understand you correctly, you mean, XYZ, right? Okay, I understand.”
4) Respectfully present your viewpoint in a way that makes it easy for him to hear: “What I’m struggling with is…” or “What I am really concerned about is…” presenting new information gently, allowing him to “save face.”
5) Ask another question to solve the issue: “What could we do about that?”
6) Be open to an idea neither of you had considered, but one that God brings to light during the discussion.
So going back to our conversation, let’s watch what can occur when we add a soft answer, and more respect from the wife:
“I think I’m going to put the sump pump in this weekend instead of Tuesday night,” Michael commented to his wife, Charysa.
“Oh?” Charysa responded nonchalantly. “I’m sure you have a good reason for doing that – do you mind helping me understand?”
“I’m exhausted when I get home in the evenings after working all day,” he said. “My friend Lucas said he could help me this weekend – it takes a few hours and I could use the help.”
“That’s great that you got help! I didn’t realize how big a job it was. I really appreciate you taking care of it to save us money,” she responded. “What I’m concerned about is the heavy rains we are supposed to get on Wednesday. It’s supposed to really start pouring Tuesday night. What should we do?”
“Hmmm…I didn’t know that. I wouldn’t worry about it. We haven’t had any issues with the sump pump – it should be fine,” he replied.
“So if I understand you correctly, you are thinking that you and Lucas can install it on the weekend? I can appreciate you wanting to wait when you are fresh and have more time. I know I’m worrying because it seems like the pump is really working every time it rains. It has lasted this long, though, so you are probably right. Just to put my mind at ease, will you plan to take the day off if the pump fails so I’m not dealing with a flooded basement by myself? I don’t think I could rip up the carpet or get the furniture out by myself,” she asked.
“Well, yes, I will commit to that,” he offered.
She smiled, not fully satisfied, but it was a decision she could live with, particularly since he was the one doing the work. An hour later, Michael let her know his friend Lucas would be coming over that afternoon to install the new pump. “I didn’t want to wait,” he told her.
Granted, not all interactions go this smoothly. Different priorities and differing levels of maturity result in different results. I can honestly say, however, that having worked on communicating with respect for both my husband and myself, and submitting instead of arguing have resulted in fewer conflicts, and more adult behavior on both our parts. I’ve seen it happen over and over again for others, too.
Dare you to ask God to reveal to you where your communication is breaking down, whether you are choosing to own things that aren’t yours to own, whether you are contentious and competitive (disrespectful), a doormat or a dominator, or overly emotional in your interactions. We all have growing to do in wisdom (maturity) with God and with men!
So glad you are on the journey! We’ll have more on this topic next blog.
Love to you,
~Nina
What about you? How have you seen yourself mature in how you engage in conflict? What is God revealing to you in this area?
)
