In both Proverbs 25 and Proverbs 26, there is mention of the consequences of being “quarrelsome.”
This is important.
In marriage, being a “quarrelsome wife” results in your husband wanting to “live on the corner of the roof.”
As a man, being “quarrelsome” feeds “strife” like wood to a fire.
Being “disagreeable” or “quarrelsome” is an intimacy destroyer.
This occurs regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, husband or wife, or whether the relationship is with your spouse or with God Himself.
We women struggle with being quarrelsome, and we don’t even realize it.
Much of this comes from our lack of understanding or refusal to obey God’s teachings on submission.
Yep, I’m going there today!
Hold on.
Here we go.
One of the keys to a godly marriage is the concept of “submission” from Ephesians 5:22-24, which reads, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior.”
If you don’t believe the Bible is the Truth, the inerrant Word of God, and great advice on how we should live our lives, then you probably won’t agree with me on this subject at all. I believe (not just by faith, btw, I know this works, and no, I’m not a “doormat” in my marriage) God’s advice and His will to be the best for my life. Even if I don’t fully understand it, I trust Him. 
If you believe likewise, keep reading. If not, nothing I say here will make sense anyway, and it will probably just make you angry as well. The Word is either True or it’s not. I’m not here today to debate theology, or whether the Bible is “just a good idea” or whether Jesus was “just a good teacher.” For me, I accept God’s Word fully.
So when I call myself a “Christian,” it means I fully accept God’s teachings in the Bible, in the context in which they are intended. That means I fully accept His New Testament teaching that wives should submit to their husbands.
Careful, don’t get your knickers in a knot yet.
And no, I don’t really actually (or know anyone else who does) wear knickers.
Having said all that, you should know years ago, even though the above was still 100% true, my skin would crawl and the hair on the back of my neck would stand up when anyone even mentioned that wives should be submissive.
Like many others, I didn’t understand what it meant.
But the concept made me angry.
Really angry.
So I asked God to teach me what it means.
I’m still learning, but I know more than I did back then.
And it no longer makes me angry, not even a little bit, and although I’m still figuring out the details of how submission manifests itself in the midst of a godly marriage, I can honestly say I understand significantly more about it now, so much so that I hardly think about it… but I know you are, and that is why you are here today. 
And I have come to realize that there are many misconceptions, even in the Christian culture, about what it is and what it is not.
Based on what the Bible says, here’s my interpretation of what being a godly, submissive wife does NOT mean:
- Submissive wives are “less than” men – the Bible has no “hierarchy” of men and women in terms of worth – we are ALL precious to Him (there IS hierarchy in a family, however, and God made men the “head” of the family – “submission” is a military term. There’s info on this in “The Respect Dare,” for now, know that’s how God established families, and if He hadn’t, it would be like having 2 CEO’s trying to run a corporation)
- Submissive wives are women who are stupid and need to be taken care of (one could actually say that because we are smart and can multi-task and accomplish a ton, so much so that we can actually threaten a man’s confidence in leading – and there’s actually research to back that up – read “For Women Only,” by Shaunti Feldhahn) (Don’t you wonder if that’s why God actually tells us to be submissive? Because He knows how He wired men and us, and what we have the potential to do to our husband’s self-esteem if we are not?)
- Submissive wives are doormat wives – one’s who turn every choice made about everything into a husband’s hands, not voicing any opinions, instead of 1) fulfilling our roles and being competent with our responsibilities in the family, and 2) creating an atmosphere where he feels comfortable leading in a healthy, godly way (being a doormat only encourages him to lead in an ungodly way) (Think about this, btw, do you really want a “wimpy” husband? Did you know many of us create circumstances where our men are uncomfortable leading?)
- Submissive wives are passive wives, waiting for him to take action on everything before anything at all happens or decisions are made, instead of asking him for his thoughts about the family, decisions or choices you have to make, etc. (passivity often breeds resentment and bitterness in women) (Oh, and why shouldn’t he have a say? Isn’t he part of the family equation? It’s disrespectful to discount his input. We wouldn’t like it if he did that to us, would we?)
- Submissive wives are proactive wives who solve all the problems so that the husband “doesn’t have to worry with them,” instead of realizing that Marital Math is 1 + 1 = 1… “one flesh” (from Genesis) and it’s not only okay for him to have some input, but he should – and it doesn’t have to be on everything, for Pete’s sake! Asking input on everything might very well drive both of you nuts. “Should I cook the meat first or the vegetables?” “Should I wear blue eyeshadow or green today?” Be competent and don’t treat him like your girlfriends.
- Submissive wives announce they’ve become a “submissive wife” and tell their husbands it’s time for them to lead, instead of asking God to change our heart about “needing to do everything because he won’t,” dominating and controlling in your marriage – husband’s won’t lead if we are in the way, or telling them how to do everything – all we’re communicating is that we think they are stupid, and who wants to take a risk if that’s how it’s frequently met?
- Submissive wives announce they’ve become a “submissive wife” and suddenly start asking him to make all the decisions on everything from what kind of sandwich to make the kids for lunch, to when he wants the bathrooms cleaned, instead of being a woman of strength and dignity, carrying out the role she has in her marriage as agreed upon by both of you (this might mean working or staying home, full or part time, sharing chores or doing all, depending on what works in your marriage and circumstances as agreed upon by both of you) (and sorry, no, it’s not in the Bible that the husband has to manage the money – if the wife is better at it, she can do it, IF that’s what works best and the husband is okay with it)
- Submissive wives think our role as “helper” is knowing how to solve his problems for him, pushing him toward action, instead of pointing him to God and other godly men for direction… this is mothering behavior, and no man will rise to leadership if he thinks his wife thinks he’s a child (even if he does act like one)
- Submissive wives “help” their husbands by giving advice when we haven’t been asked for it, instead of allowing God to work out His relationship with our husbands, letting them struggle with difficulties to grow in their relationship with God and others (rescuing, enabling, etc.), depriving our husbands of these opportunities that God intends (also known as “getting in God’s way” or “being my husband’s Holy Spirit”) (btw, this is not to be confused with actually helping our husbands when God wants us to)
- Submissive wives don’t give input even when asked for it, taking the “quiet and gentle spirit” admonishment to extremes, instead of being our husband’s friend when he needs one (also known as being vindictive, “I’m supposed to be submissive? FINE. I’ll just stop existing or having any thoughts because I don’t matter,” or buying the lies that the enemy wants us to believe about this
- Submissive wives have to do WHATEVER their husbands say, even if it is sinful, because they are under their husband’s authority instead of realizing they serve God first, and have the freedom to choose to obey God first if the two are in conflict – but they also know that if they choose to submit anyway, God will protect them (like Sarah, when Abraham gave her to Pharoah, and not once, but twice!)
- Submissive wives know our role is only that of “maid” or “slave” to the whims of the family members, instead of being a woman of strength and dignity, with interests of her own, activities she enjoys, and encourages the family to understand “the preciousness of others,” which includes her (if this were true, God wouldn’t have made us capable, intelligent, creative, etc. We’d be like mules or plow horses, and we were not created like this)
- Submissive wives always do what other Christian wives and their husbands say to do instead of developing their own relationship with God such that they can know moment to moment, what He wants them to do. Sometimes it’s encourage your husband to talk to someone else, sometimes it’s helping him by gently reminding him, sometimes it’s letting him deal with circumstances, sometimes it’s pointing Him to God instead of giving him the answer you think of…but how will you know unless you are plugged into God? The most important thing we can do as wives instead of taking other people’s advice (including mine!) is to cultivate our relationship with Jesus Christ. Without that, we won’t have a clue, and will struggle endlessly in this area.
And yes, I’ve stumbled through nearly all of those (and more) in my marriage.
<<<Insert sheepish grin here>>>
And none of them have helped.
Truth is, I’m still figuring out “submission” as my husband figures out “leadership.”
Thank God for grace, or we wouldn’t still be married.
This morning, I asked my husband his opinion about something I wanted to do that costs a lot of money. I still don’t know what to do, but he said we’d talk more about it tonight. I will be fully honest and tell you that I mixed being in submission with being un-submissive and quarrelsome.
Me: What do you think?
Him: Hmmm…I think it’s a lot of money, but it’s also something you are passionate about.
Me: So what do you think we should do?
Him: I think we should talk about it tonight.
Me: The boys have Scouts tonight, there won’t be time.
How it should have gone:
Me: What do you think?
Him: Hmmm…I think it’s a lot of money, but it’s also something you are passionate about.
Me: So what do you think we should do?
Him: I think we should talk about it tonight.
Me: Will we have time with you taking the boys to Scouts?
Simple, small change, nothing that makes me a doormat or subservient slave to the man I married, just being respectful, which would be how I would like to be treated, instead of the “mothering” and “quarrelsome” response I gave him.
Sigh.
Again, God just keeps showing me over and over again to ASK A QUESTION.
Sorry I’m such a slow learner, Lord!
Dare you today to ask God how often you are “quarrelsome,” and how this fits into your perception of “submission.”
For guys, that means, “Am I arguing with the Lord about what He wants me to do? Do I even know what that is? Am I cultivating my relationship with Him such that I know what He wants and will obey (submit) to God’s authority in my life?”
Often we wives are afraid of losing control (which is pride and sin, btw) and we get in the way of creating the marriages we ache for, the one where we have a strong, confident, godly man, who loves us like Christ loves the church. Double-dog-dare you to ask yourself if you really want your husband to step up to the plate and lead your family.
Regardless of what gender you are, today I triple-dog-dare you to ask God to help you align your will with His, in this area and others.
May we ALL be less “quarrelsome.”
Love to you,
Thankful to be on the journey with you!
~Nina
Dare you to share His Truth today...
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I remember the glazed, deer-in-the-headlights look that slowly crept onto others’ faces…
This morning, when I read Proverbs 4, I ran across Proverbs 4:20, “My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words.” I realized how much God had changed me from that chatty boor of a ten year old and young woman to the gal I’m still growing into today. I realized something REALLY important – all the years in the communications and public speaking field have taught me to be brief, be concise, and make it easy for my listeners. While no one would describe me as “shy,” one of the biggest changes in my life as a result of choosing to follow Christ at age 22 is the taming of my wild tongue.
Proverbs 19:22 What a man (or woman) desires is unfailing love, better to be poor than a liar (money can’t buy people that are loyal (unfailing) and true in relationships, and that is more valuable to us than wealth – fulfilling relationships create peace, comfort, joy, blessing, and fulfillment within us more than the STUFF that the world encourages us to acquire). 
So think I’m crazy if you like, but either the Bible is True, or it’s not. Either those guys in the Bible went from being deserters to martyrs over a good idea, or they had an encounter with a risen God. And they had more than an encounter – they had relationship, and wanting others to have that too, gave their very lives for Him. 
