Yesterday on the blog, we had the following question from Geena:

So in my case is “respect” allowing him to make decisions even though everything inside me is screaming against it? Even though my instincts and logic say no? Do I respect him by allowing him to put our family at financial peril and risk losing our home? What does it look like?

I started to reply to her, and realized there was a ton of great info that might be of help to more than just her here, so I created a post about it.  First of all, know our hearts go out to you if you are in a similar circumstance.  SO sorry you are here, praying with you for guidance.  Perhaps you haven’t heard what God teaches some of His women…if you haven’t, maybe this will be of some help.  Given that the number one reason people divorce in the US is money issues – we’ve come up with a suggested formula for Christian marriage improvement:  Dave Ramsey + Respect Dare = Better Marriages that Last.

Old Mothering/Controlling/Unwise/Immature Way:

He says: “I’m going to buy that (whatever it is that I want but can’t afford right now).”

You say: “Are you kidding me? Don’t you care that we owe Visa $2500? Where do you think that money’s coming from? Don’t you think about anything but yourself?”

The end result – argument started. Anger ensues on both sides. Feelings are hurt, damage is done to the relationship. Both people feel resentful.

He’s thinking: “Who does she think she is? I work hard. She can’t talk to me like that! I’ll do whatever I want. Why doesn’t she respect me?”

She’s thinking: Well, she said that. And “I’m scared to death! Why won’t he take care of me?! Why won’t he act like a grown up instead of a little boy?”

New Equal/Wise/Mature Way:

He says: “I’m going to buy that (whatever it is that I want but can’t afford right now).”

You say: “Oh! The one you’ve been looking at for weeks? The red one?”

**This is a respectful response, AND, you’ve just avoided Respect Mistake #1: Having a Harsh Startup in your response.

He says: “Yeah, isn’t it sweet? It will (do this wondrous thing that makes me feel awesome)!”

You say: “Oh, yeah, you are right about that…I can just see you doing (wondrous thing) and looking really hot while doing it!”

**This is a respectful response because you affirmed him as a man, AND you just avoided Respect Mistake #2: Being argumentative in your response.

He says: “You know it! K. So I’m off to go get it!”

You say: “Hey, baby, I totally understand why you want to get (that thing you love) and I really DO think you would look just awesome (driving it, wearing it, whatever) (make sure all of that is sincere – there but for the grace of God goes you, remember?) …one thing I’m really struggling with is if now is the right time to get it. I know how hard you work and I know how cool it would be to have it, and I’m really struggling with spending money on that when we can’t make the house payment this month (or whatever it is). I really want you to have it, but I also know you want to take care of us – and I don’t think I could sleep at night if you got it now – can we just wait a little while? Maybe pray about it for a few days – I’m sure God will help us both, here. Will you do that for me?”

He says: “Oh, yeah…I guess so…”

You say: “Oh, honey, you make me feel so well-loved right now. I know you’ll do the right thing.” (smile/squeeze/kiss/hug/etc.)

**This is a respectful response because you empathized with his position, showed him you were his number one fan, regarded his efforts highly, and communicated your concerns, which gives him a high calling to rise up to, then asked a question he’s apt to say, “yes,” to.

Don’t you like to be affirmed? Or do you prefer having others “correct” you when you are wrong? Wouldn’t you rather have empathy and compassion instead of direct argument and disagreement? Don’t you prefer having others think highly of you?

He’s not any different.

If things do not go this way, and you’ve done everything above, then just like Sarah, you know God may use this situation to teach either you, or him, or both, a lesson. OR, God may have a third option that He wants to work out, one which neither of you had considered. Regardless, you do not have to be afraid, because you are obeying God. The above suggestions are Biblical in nature. Here’s why:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 We see this in both the first and second mistakes. If you begin by arguing, he’s going to dig in his heels and respond defensively – even if he realizes he’s wrong. Here’s why. Lastly, we are told, “Do not lie to each other,” in Colossians 3:9, so you should share that you are concerned about the house payment, but not in a nasty way. We are told Jesus “had compassion” multiple times in Scripture – and should likewise because it is Christ-like and treats people lovingly, kindly. We are also called to “build each other up” instead of tearing one another down in 1 Thessalonians 5:11. Research in “For Women Only,” by Shaunti Feldhahn shows that men need to know they are needed, especially if you are a capable woman who also earns an income. Proverbs 26:5 tells us to deal with ‘fools’ according to their folly, so asking a question respectfully, but one which he can easily say, “yes” to fits there.

God is going to grow both of you. Just because we might do things differently doesn’t mean we are always right. And treating someone like a child – even if he’s acting like one – only generates more immature behavior – in both people… two wrongs do not make a right.

Sometimes we need ask ourselves if we have what it takes to be an Israelite. Would you wander the desert, not knowing where you would lay your head, find your next meal, or whether you would have any comforts? Or must you have all these things of this world? What if God meant for you to lay down your comforts for the soul of one of your children? Would you do that? Would you do the same for each of your kids? Of course you would.

Would you do it for another adult who doesn’t know Him?

I don’t know about you, but that’s the question that slays me.

And it speaks volumes of our relationship with Him. Do we have the mind and heart of Christ?

Are we living this life for what we can get out of it for ourselves, or to be useful for the Audience of One? For His glory? Or for our own?

“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15.

Don’t buy the lie that you are somehow “less than” him or “second class” because there is suffering in your life – the Christian life is fraught with suffering.  Christ did NOT say, “Hop on my yacht and party with me!” He said, “Pick up your cross and follow me.” And 11 of the 12 disciples were murdered for their faith.  This is not an easy road – stop expecting it to be.

And sometimes, after having a number of the above conversations and being met with no progress and continued worsening behavior, God may say, “Time for Matthew 18.” That’s the godly way we confront our brother’s sin against us. And our hearts have to be in a place of kindness, compassion, and love to do so effectively. Often, this is harder than the original situation we’re dealing with, as it’s done in escalating circumstances – with people to witness what you say to him and hold him accountable. Choose those people well, if you are in that situation.

Dare you to beg God for wisdom today. Double dog dare you to read a Proverb daily for the date – if today’s the 5^th, you read Proverbs 5. Triple dog dare you to learn to walk in wisdom and do so in front of your daughters – so they also learn. I don’t know about you, but these mentors were missing in my life. Don’t you want to be that kind of woman for the young ladies around you? Sign up for Dave Ramsey, too.  Totally worth it. (and no, I don’t get anything for mentioning him – it’s just really good).

Love to you,

~Nina

What about you? Thoughts?