Tag Archives: apology

Time for Apology?

Posted on February 28, 2013 | 15 Comments

When I woke this morning, I knew God wanted me to share with you that I had sinned against my husband, hurt his feelings, and what happened as a result.

I wasn’t surprised, therefore, when I read Proverbs 28 today, in verse 13: “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

Confirmation.

The nitty gritty details aren’t necessary here, but I will tell you that I said something I shouldn’t have, and it hurt my big mountain of a man. And instead of apologizing immediately, I let it sit out there for hours, growing the festering wound in his heart.

The Holy Spirit nudged me, and my flesh wanted to come up with a reason my unkind comment was justified. It couldn’t. Yes, he had also been wrong about some things in the discussion – but that was HIS issue, not mine. God wanted me to work on my issues, instead of pointing fingers. That whole “plank in your own eye” thing…

And I knew if I wasn’t committed to a life-long journey of respect for myself, my God and others, I would not be taking action at all. Thank God for writing The Respect Dare and for the ministry!

Then, the enemy tried to use guilt and shame to keep me from full repentance. “How could he forgive me for this?” I thought. I felt embarrassed. “How can I even say anything? Maybe I should just leave it alone…” The Holy Spirit shined His light into my heart, however, and Truth prevailed. I remembered that without healing balm, wounds often scar worse.

And apology and forgiveness provides the healing balm of relationships.

Left untreated, these “little injuries” result in the gaping wound of a relationship destroyed.

I called my husband, and this is what I said… “I was really wrong to say what I did last night. I am sorry. I hurt you, and I was wrong. Please forgive me. I was out of line, and you didn’t deserve that. I’m really sorry for hurting you.”

We had a discussion. He forgave me.

Then he talked about how he was also wrong, and we talked some more.

Growthful, painful stuff.

Worth doing.

We are closer today as a result.

Dare you to take similar action in your relationships. Know God well enough in the first place (by spending time with Him DAILY, even if it’s just reading Proverbs for the date) to recognize the different voices and follow the Right One. It will change everything. Stay focused on your own behavior, instead of committing the sin of judgment against others.

SO glad you are on the journey! What about you? How easy is it for you to apologize first? What do you struggle with? What has God done in your situations?

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Growing, Learnings, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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Got Conflict?

Posted on May 7, 2012 | 3 Comments

My 16 year old blew me away yesterday.

Talking about conflict and how to best resolve it, I heard what I’ve been teaching him emerge in a single sentence.

For a brief moment, I wondered if I’d created a doormat.  Then He clarified.

First, he said, “Dealing with conflict is easy, mom, once you figure out what you need to apologize for,” he said.

Then, “Because it’s never only one person’s fault,” he continued.

YES.

And apology heals relationship.  And grows us.

And our inability to apologize or even SEE how we are wrong (and we are usually wrong about something, just like the other person) is wrapped up in our pride.

And so next we judge.

Both of those things (pride and judgment) are sin.

And destroy, rather than build relationship. And tie us in bondage, instead of giving us abundant life… seriously – freedom in apology.  Dare you to believe.

Dare you today to OWN what is yours to own (and not more, btw, that’s just crazy), extend grace, and apologize humbly for what’s yours.

To me, today, the most powerful words of Jesus Christ came as He hung, “Father, forgive them.  They know not what they do.”

Dare you to comment or share.

Super-glad you are on the journey with me today.  You are good company.

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Avoid Divorce

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Angry?

Posted on September 15, 2011 | 1 Comment

Last night, one of my teen boys came up from behind me when I was getting ready for bed, and sheepishly told me, “I’m sorry I was so rotten when we were doing math…”

“I forgive you, baby.” He’d been angry, but I knew it was at himself, and not me. He doesn’t like to make math mistakes. Or any other, for that matter.

“You must be really mad at me,” he said.

“Oh? Why do you say that?” I asked, puzzled. I hadn’t been. I didn’t take any of the interaction personally, and I remember feeling sad for him, for how hard he was trying and how frustrated he was.

“I was really rude. You didn’t deserve that.” OH. Still mad at self.

“I am not mad at you at all, I love you to pieces and I feel bad that the exchange upset you so much, but I’m not mad at you.” I put my arms around him.

“Oh. Good.” His whole body, tense, relaxed in my arms.

“I would like to see you be able to handle making mistakes – everyone does, you know. Why do you think you get so upset about it?” I asked.

“Pride. I don’t like to fail.” He responded.

“Last time I checked, a ‘B’ isn’t failing. But yah, it’s pride. You know (name of relative who behaves like this all the time) struggles with that, right?” I asked.

His eyes grew wide.

YAY! Lightbulbs going on.

Said relative is a treasure to us, but heaven forbid if this person makes a mistake.

Like Nero’s fits of rage, one of which instigated at his wife’s encouragement over how he covered dropping the scepter in an acting scene, he couldn’t stand to not be perfect so he killed her.

Toddlers with temper tantrums in grown up bodies – these are things we need to help our children avoid becoming!

“I want to see you continue to get better at this – do your best first, then don’t take it as a measure of who you are if you make a mistake, okay? It makes it challenging and unpleasant to deal with your anger when you are like that, and it can put stress on your relationships with your family.” I rubbed his head.

“I am working on it. I hate it when I do that,” he says.

“I know. I can tell. Are you ready to finish the problems?” I inquired.

“Yes.”

And even when he missed a few, he behaved well. YAY!

I love progress.

So does our Father.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”

Lord, I pray you help us all have a gentle answer for others – that we have such a healthy view of ourselves such that we not take things personally. I pray our gentle answer turns away wrath from other people, and from You. Please fill us with your Spirit – we can’t do this on our own! In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

The longer I know Him, (and I have SO far to go – and love the journey!) the more I am beginning to see that there is a stark contrast between being a “doormat” and being filled with His grace. I confess that I’ve “stuffed” feelings of anger and frustration in the past, trying to “show grace.” That’s not what He wants for us – regardless of how we look on the outside, it’s our hearts He wants to change.

And as He does this, we find His peace there.

I desperately yearn for more of Him in my life – and ache for you to have this, too.

Daring all of us today to ask Him how pride makes us take things personally – and to trust Him with the laying down of our life, so much so that we can think like Christ, who said, “Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do.”

Thankful for the journey!

~Nina

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Posted in Growing, Kids & Parenting

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I Blew It… Again…

Posted on July 12, 2011 | Comments Off

Oops.

Uh-Oh.

I can’t get through a day without apologizing to nearly everyone I live with at least once.

I forget things, even though I am highly scheduled.

I’m sometimes selfish, so I inadvertently hurt someone else’s feelings.

I get sick and have chronic pain, so I can be short on patience.

And I’m human, so I jump to conclusions occasionally.

Sometimes, that’s the only exercise I get.

So what should I do?

Simple, but not easy.

Apologize.

Then right the wrong, if possible.

I used to be a trainer with Dale Carnegie and Associates. One of Mr. Carnegie’s principles was to apologize quickly and emphatically. When I was reading Proverbs 12 today, I ran across this verse:


14 From the fruit of their lips people are filled with good things,
and the work of their hands brings them reward.

So I told my son that I was sorry I came across as judgmental when discussing something a friend of his did recently. In that conversation (the one where I was judgmental) I forbade him from going somewhere with that individual. So when I discovered that I was wrong, I apologized.  I told him he must have felt like I wasn’t a very good listener, and that I didn’t trust him.  I then suggested he have the kid over, to make up for my mistake. He readily forgave me. We had the kid over. And my son and I talked just today about some really heavy stuff he’s dealing with…so the relationship is intact.

There are gobs of books on how to apologize. I tend to think it is pretty simple. Have fruitful lips (in other words, say you are sorry when you have said/done/been wrong, and identify the feelings the other person experienced because of what you said/did) and then work to right the wrong if you can.

Do this with your husband, and he’ll view you as a “woman of noble character.” Brownie points if you can tell me where I found that! J

Thankful to be on this journey with you, practicing “The Respect Dare” with you each day!

~Nina

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Posted in Got Conflict??, Growing, Kids & Parenting, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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