Category Archives: Got Conflict??

Got a Difficult Marriage? Here’s Hope…

Posted on April 26, 2013 | 7 Comments


“Those are pretty flowers. Who are they for?” he asked.

“Me. I had a horrible week and no one noticed, so I bought them for myself to cheer me up – they were the cheap ones at the grocery, so no worries, okay?” she responded.

Silence.

She knew he just didn’t know what to say. It was okay.

She had thanked God for the jobs that provided and the knowledge that her husband wouldn’t mind if she spent $7 on herself this way.

“I’m sorry I didn’t think of that,” he said, frowning.

“No problem. I didn’t expect you to, and it’s not exactly something cool to ask for,” she replied calmly.

She knew he was processing. He probably hadn’t remembered that long ago, she loved getting flowers.

She knew he remembered now.

Later…

An email arrived, suggesting their tween girl sleep on the floor on a trip since the bed and breakfast didn’t have accommodations for all of them in the same room.

She knew he didn’t realize their daughter would feel slighted and that the experience would be demeaning to her. She knew he did not realize his little girl was growing up, and as her mom, she knew their daughter would not be thrilled with “camping” on the floor. Her brothers were much too old for that, as well.

Hmm…what to do?

Father?

James 1:19 again, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and even slower to become angry.”

Proverbs 31:12 also, “She brings him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”

Ephesians 4:24 last, “and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Hmm…all precious to God.

Righteous judgment taught her that her while husband did not know the right thing here, it would also be also just as wrong of her to be condemning in her communication.

She no longer felt condemnation, anyway, but compassion toward a smart man who struggled to deeply connect and communicate how much he loved those around him.

The “old her” knew she could react with anger at the insensitive nature of the question he posed.

The “new her” knew that most men simply lacked empathy and needed to learn it. She certainly had her own opportunities for growth in many areas.

The “new her” also knew this was an opportunity to be a help to her husband and sons, calling them to a higher standard.


So she replied, “I know you have thought through this extensively, and I appreciate all the trip-planning you are doing! I’m sure it is a lot of work with lots to consider. I remember the days when our little girl really enjoyed those “camping” experiences. I remember the boys loving it when they were younger, too. I miss those days, don’t you? We sure had a lot of fun! What you probably aren’t aware of is that she is in a growth period emotionally, where she is figuring out her identity in stronger, teenager-type ways, and I think we are past the days where her sleeping on the floor would be acceptable. It is likely she would view our asking her to do that now as demeaning, and I see an opportunity for the gentlemen in our family to rise to the occasion to communicate value to her, by not making her be the one to sleep on the floor.” (emphasis mine)

She hit “send.”

Discussion ensued later at home. He agreed and they discussed options.

She knew that years before, without her track record of respect and submission, argument and sarcastic retort would have ruled the day – for both of them. But she had hung in there for over a decade of hard lessons learned and mutual respect prevailed in their relationship.

Thank you, Father.

…

Dare you to dig deeply daily into God’s Word such that His voice is louder than the others. Dare you to read Proverbs daily, growing in wisdom and maturity as you continue to age.

Dare you to refuse to believe the lies that “respect” and “submission” mean becoming a doormat, invisible and even more alone than you are now in your marriage.

You are your husband’s equal. Yes, if you can’t agree, choose submission, and be mature enough to choose your battles wisely, and don’t be a chatty woman with an opinion on everything, running off at the mouth all the time.

Know that the above is just a place on someone’s journey. Dare you to believe that place is possible for you – where you allow God to take care of your needs when others miss the opportunity, and where you are mature and healthy in the relationships you have.

Think strength and dignity.

And listen and obey His Word. It will change everything.

Want a 40-day fast track to Biblical growth? Try The Respect Dare. Subscribe to the blog. Join our community on Facebook®.

But don’t give up on your marriage because you’ve “tried everything” and it hasn’t “worked.”

I’ll bet you don’t have your identity wrapped up in Jesus Christ’s opinion of you, and “strength and dignity” while doing “respect and submission” are foreign concepts to you. If you are like most of us, myself included, you’ve gotten in God’s way of working with your husband by not focusing on your own obedience. Stop doing that! Join us and start figuring this out – it’s where life abundant is.

Spend the next ten years being schooled with us in relationships. There’s plenty of room and we’re glad you are here. It’s a journey paved with tears, but totally worth it because there’s peace, joy, comfort and contentment in the middle and on the other side. Don’t give up just because things are hard. They’re supposed to be.

Love to you,

~Nina


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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, Got Pain?, Kids & Parenting, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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But He is NOT Responsible!!

Posted on April 5, 2013 | 11 Comments

Yesterday on the blog, we had the following question from Geena:

So in my case is “respect” allowing him to make decisions even though everything inside me is screaming against it? Even though my instincts and logic say no? Do I respect him by allowing him to put our family at financial peril and risk losing our home? What does it look like?

I started to reply to her, and realized there was a ton of great info that might be of help to more than just her here, so I created a post about it.  First of all, know our hearts go out to you if you are in a similar circumstance.  SO sorry you are here, praying with you for guidance.  Perhaps you haven’t heard what God teaches some of His women…if you haven’t, maybe this will be of some help.  Given that the number one reason people divorce in the US is money issues – we’ve come up with a suggested formula for Christian marriage improvement:  Dave Ramsey + Respect Dare = Better Marriages that Last.

Old Mothering/Controlling/Unwise/Immature Way:

He says: “I’m going to buy that (whatever it is that I want but can’t afford right now).”

You say: “Are you kidding me? Don’t you care that we owe Visa $2500? Where do you think that money’s coming from? Don’t you think about anything but yourself?”

The end result – argument started. Anger ensues on both sides. Feelings are hurt, damage is done to the relationship. Both people feel resentful.

He’s thinking: “Who does she think she is? I work hard. She can’t talk to me like that! I’ll do whatever I want. Why doesn’t she respect me?”

She’s thinking: Well, she said that. And “I’m scared to death! Why won’t he take care of me?! Why won’t he act like a grown up instead of a little boy?”

New Equal/Wise/Mature Way:

He says: “I’m going to buy that (whatever it is that I want but can’t afford right now).”

You say: “Oh! The one you’ve been looking at for weeks? The red one?”

**This is a respectful response, AND, you’ve just avoided Respect Mistake #1: Having a Harsh Startup in your response.

He says: “Yeah, isn’t it sweet? It will (do this wondrous thing that makes me feel awesome)!”

You say: “Oh, yeah, you are right about that…I can just see you doing (wondrous thing) and looking really hot while doing it!”

**This is a respectful response because you affirmed him as a man, AND you just avoided Respect Mistake #2: Being argumentative in your response.

He says: “You know it! :) K. So I’m off to go get it!”

You say: “Hey, baby, I totally understand why you want to get (that thing you love) and I really DO think you would look just awesome (driving it, wearing it, whatever) (make sure all of that is sincere – there but for the grace of God goes you, remember?) …one thing I’m really struggling with is if now is the right time to get it. I know how hard you work and I know how cool it would be to have it, and I’m really struggling with spending money on that when we can’t make the house payment this month (or whatever it is). I really want you to have it, but I also know you want to take care of us – and I don’t think I could sleep at night if you got it now – can we just wait a little while? Maybe pray about it for a few days – I’m sure God will help us both, here. Will you do that for me?”

He says: “Oh, yeah…I guess so…”

You say: “Oh, honey, you make me feel so well-loved right now. I know you’ll do the right thing.” (smile/squeeze/kiss/hug/etc.)

**This is a respectful response because you empathized with his position, showed him you were his number one fan, regarded his efforts highly, and communicated your concerns, which gives him a high calling to rise up to, then asked a question he’s apt to say, “yes,” to.

Don’t you like to be affirmed? Or do you prefer having others “correct” you when you are wrong? Wouldn’t you rather have empathy and compassion instead of direct argument and disagreement? Don’t you prefer having others think highly of you?

111412_1846_HusbandSeem1.jpgHe’s not any different.

If things do not go this way, and you’ve done everything above, then just like Sarah, you know God may use this situation to teach either you, or him, or both, a lesson. OR, God may have a third option that He wants to work out, one which neither of you had considered. Regardless, you do not have to be afraid, because you are obeying God. The above suggestions are Biblical in nature. Here’s why:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 We see this in both the first and second mistakes. If you begin by arguing, he’s going to dig in his heels and respond defensively – even if he realizes he’s wrong. Here’s why. Lastly, we are told, “Do not lie to each other,” in Colossians 3:9, so you should share that you are concerned about the house payment, but not in a nasty way. We are told Jesus “had compassion” multiple times in Scripture – and should likewise because it is Christ-like and treats people lovingly, kindly. We are also called to “build each other up” instead of tearing one another down in 1 Thessalonians 5:11. Research in “For Women Only,” by Shaunti Feldhahn shows that men need to know they are needed, especially if you are a capable woman who also earns an income. Proverbs 26:5 tells us to deal with ‘fools’ according to their folly, so asking a question respectfully, but one which he can easily say, “yes” to fits there.

God is going to grow both of you. Just because we might do things differently doesn’t mean we are always right. And treating someone like a child – even if he’s acting like one – only generates more immature behavior – in both people… two wrongs do not make a right.

Sometimes we need ask ourselves if we have what it takes to be an Israelite. Would you wander the desert, not knowing where you would lay your head, find your next meal, or whether you would have any comforts? Or must you have all these things of this world? What if God meant for you to lay down your comforts for the soul of one of your children? Would you do that? Would you do the same for each of your kids? Of course you would.

Would you do it for another adult who doesn’t know Him?

I don’t know about you, but that’s the question that slays me.

And it speaks volumes of our relationship with Him. Do we have the mind and heart of Christ?

Are we living this life for what we can get out of it for ourselves, or to be useful for the Audience of One? For His glory? Or for our own?

“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15.

Don’t buy the lie that you are somehow “less than” him or “second class” because there is suffering in your life – the Christian life is fraught with suffering.  Christ did NOT say, “Hop on my yacht and party with me!” He said, “Pick up your cross and follow me.” And 11 of the 12 disciples were murdered for their faith.  This is not an easy road – stop expecting it to be.

And sometimes, after having a number of the above conversations and being met with no progress and continued worsening behavior, God may say, “Time for Matthew 18.” That’s the godly way we confront our brother’s sin against us. And our hearts have to be in a place of kindness, compassion, and love to do so effectively. Often, this is harder than the original situation we’re dealing with, as it’s done in escalating circumstances – with people to witness what you say to him and hold him accountable. Choose those people well, if you are in that situation.

Dare you to beg God for wisdom today. Double dog dare you to read a Proverb daily for the date – if today’s the 5th, you read Proverbs 5. Triple dog dare you to learn to walk in wisdom and do so in front of your daughters – so they also learn. I don’t know about you, but these mentors were missing in my life. Don’t you want to be that kind of woman for the young ladies around you? Sign up for Dave Ramsey, too.  Totally worth it. (and no, I don’t get anything for mentioning him – it’s just really good).

Love to you,

~Nina

What about you? Thoughts?

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, Got Pain?, Growing, That Guy We Journey With, Wives

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Got An Angry Man??

Posted on February 6, 2013 | 23 Comments

Her heart desires to be respectful, whether he deserves it or not… because she knows God at least enough by now to know this is a matter of obedience for her…but he’s a scary man.

Prone to anger.

Prone to harsh words, threatening stances, and bruises for her and the children.

Young woman with red duct tape on her lipsAnd she asks, “Is it disrespectful to confront him before he hurts the children?“

And I tell her, “To speak for those who cannot speak for themselves is not disrespect – how you go about it, however, is a different story. As a mother, you are responsible for the safety of those in your care. Neglect or condoning abuse is also abuse.”

And my heart remembers the too many women whose hearts were broken by one of their parents doing nothing while the other hurt them either with words, or worse… As adults, they are still feeling abandoned and unsafe.

I let her know that she, like some women, might feel called to leave. I may have shared 1 Corinthians 7:11 with her, where she’s not supposed to leave, but if she does, it is for the purpose of reconciliation, so God is already aware that He might ask some of His wives to leave. 

I remind her she is not responsible for his sinful behavior.  

And she reveals a depth of faith I have seen in but a few women. She says, “I am here to change me… to grow closer to God… Because I really do believe He told me about a year ago to be obedient to Him in respecting my husband regardless of how he treats me. I do love my husband for who he is… God has given me eyes to see and love him the same way that I believe He loves him. I know God is bigger than the hurts that have been committed against me, I trust that He is bigger than any damage may be caused to my children, and I know – for a FACT – that He is bigger than whatever is in my husband…”

And I know I am treading on sacred ground.

Ephesians 5:33 “and the wife must respect her husband.”

Ephesians 5:22,24 “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord…Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

Those are hard verses, particularly when combined with the even harder truth of the walk of faith found in 1 Peter 2 – that we will endure much suffering for the cause of Christ.

And so I share with her some of the things we’ve learned over the years. And she lets me know the next day what happened, and I stand in awe of the strength and dignity with which she communicates.

With words, she not only avoided being perceived as a threat, but she also raised the standard for her husband, and called him to a higher ground. Her words were few. They were encouraging, and factual. Her tone and her demeanor also portrayed the deep compassion of Christ. This is an example of what wise women can do, when they are completely plugged into God, listening to His direction for every word…

And this is what happened:

Her husband came into the house from work and immediately said to their son in a harsh tone, “Did you go shovel the manure yet?!” The eight year old got upset and ended up outside crying. I went out and handled the situation with him. I let him this is not punishment, it’s just a chore of his. I reminded him we need to be cheerful in what we do. And that he needs to be respectful and have a good attitude. Then I went back inside. I said, “I know that you love him. When you come through the door and ask him immediately about shoveling manure, you’re not conveying your love.” We were actually able to have a conversation and when our son came back in, he called the boy over to him. I quietly said, “Please talk with love, patience, and kindness.” They had a decent conversation and even ended the evening going on a walk, just the two of them. My husband said that when they came back our son smiled, hugged him, and said, “I wish we could do this more often, Dad!”

This is with an abusive man. Many are dealing with men who are simply angry.

Know that these men feel alone, often helpless to communicate in a way that connects them to others. This anger that we see is a secondary emotion, frequently rooted in deep pain.

I remember the wife whose husband yelled at their four year old daughter about something trivial and made her cry. She said to him, “I know you want to have an amazing relationship with your daughter. She is sobbing right now because you have terrified her. Please go help her understand that you love her and you are sorry for scaring her.”

And I remember the woman whose husband raised his hand to strike her and she left the room, locking herself in their bedroom for a time. When she came out, she knelt by his feet as he sat in a chair in their family room, took one of his hands in hers and said, “I love these hands. I love the callouses they bear from working so hard for us. And I never want to be afraid of these hands again. I want to stay here with you and know that the children and I are always safe, and that these hands bring us protection and safety.”

I don’t pretend for a moment to know what God is telling you about your situation. But I do know from the lives of the many women we have the privilege to encounter, that if you pursue relationship with God by reading His Word and obeying it, you will begin to hear His voice.

He’s always speaking.

The question really is, “Are we listening?”

And when we are, we can respond to life’s circumstances with strength and dignity and without the sin of judgment, smiling at the days to come, even in the midst of difficulty. And like Sarah, we will be her daughters if we do not give in to fear.

Know that if you are dealing with anger, you can still have a respectful response – one that respects your husband, your God, and yourself as the temple of the Holy Spirit. Know also that if your words are dripping with judgment, criticism, and condemnation, or if you are lacking in the compassion of Christ when dealing with those who hurt you, your relationship with God has some serious room for growth to eradicate pride before strength and dignity become rooted in your character.

So glad you are on the journey with us! This RESPECT Dare business is challenging, isn’t it? Have hope – as you grow closer to God, it gets easier. We see this over and over again from the women who “do the book.”

Love to you,

~Nina

So what about you? Do you have a strength and dignity story to share? Have you been able to walk through a difficult time in gentleness and love? Dare you to share it here and elsewhere – be a Titus 2 woman of encouragement today!

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Posted in Avoid Divorce, Got Conflict??, Growing, Wives

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Got Conflict?

Posted on February 5, 2013 | 27 Comments

I’m feeling led to deal with conflict resolution for a while here. Today’s discussion is about the “average” junk we deal with on a day to day basis.

…

“I think I’m going to put the sump pump in this weekend instead of Tuesday night,” Michael commented to his wife, Charysa.

“What? Why would you want to do that? That pump is over twelve years old, it could go any time, and it’s supposed to rain on Wednesday,” she responded.

He scowled. “The pump will be fine. We haven’t had any problems yet. It won’t be an issue,” he insisted.

Charysa couldn’t believe it. Here he was, not listening to her again. “I hate the idea. But it’s not your mess to clean up if it fails, is it? Do whatever you want, like I can stop you anyhow,” she quipped, rolling her eyes at him.

“Fine. I will,” he said, walking out of the room.

“Why did it always have to go this way?” she thought to herself.

These are small things, aren’t they? In the big scheme of things like unemployment, disability, chronic illness, dying family members and abused children in the world, feeling frustrated about how our husband handles replacing a sump pump seems somewhat trivial by comparison. For most women, these daily problems and weekly concerns should be considered small. For other women, however, these small things are NOT small at all, but rather are seldom, if ever, even discussed well. Some women have husbands who are abusive, alcoholic, drug addicted, and the resultant unpredictable behaviors which threaten to erupt like the bite of a cornered angry dog. What we fail to notice is that the plethora of small things makes up a full life, regardless of whether we are afraid of our husband or not – and we either have life abundant, or we have a meager existence that drains the life out of us.

Today is a special day for us on the blog. Our sister, Shanyn, will be talking about how this looks different when you have survived an abusive relationship here. For the rest of us, can we join our sisters in prayer for their safety and His strength within them?

How these discussions about daily “small things” play out in an average conflict is easily seen in our opening story. Unfortunately, the poor handling of these “little” discussions often result in the growth of bitterness and resentment, and over time, these “small things” build upon each other, sucking the life out of a marriage.

Conflict resolved well deepens intimacy between husbands and wives… conflict resolved poorly or avoided increases distance in our relationships. Ephesians 5:33 specifically tells husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Proverbs 15:1 reveals to us that “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger.” One could argue that Michael behaved unloving and showed insensitivity toward his wife’s opinion. He was also avoiding the conflict by physically leaving the room. One could also suggest that Charysa aroused his natural defenses disrespectfully but unintentionally, by asking him “Why?” rolling her eyes, and being argumentative in her responses. “Why?” is a word commonly avoided by most men in the workplace as it communicates a challenge. Given that most men are wired to perceive threat and respond immediately, this is not a communication behavior worth using in your marriage.

What should we do differently? As more relationship-oriented than most of our husbands, we are more naturally wired to care about these interactions going well and can make a greater impact if we will change but a few things about how we approach disagreements with him. (Please know I mean no offense if you fall in the category of marriages where the styles are flip-flopped – about 15% of marriages are like that.) Remembering that the fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control, we have a few small steps that if done in the Spirit, deeply impact our interactions.

1) Validate his idea or opinion: “I hear what you are saying,” statement supported with evidence from what he told you. Avoid the word, “Why?” and enter the discussion in a calm, positive, way.

2) Ask a question to bring up new information: “What I’m wondering is how XYZ (thing he has not thought of or did not communicate that he has considered) fits into that. What do you think?”

3) Summarize his opinion to make sure you understand: “So if I understand you correctly, you mean, XYZ, right? Okay, I understand.”

4) Respectfully present your viewpoint in a way that makes it easy for him to hear: “What I’m struggling with is…” or “What I am really concerned about is…” presenting new information gently, allowing him to “save face.”

5) Ask another question to solve the issue: “What could we do about that?”

6) Be open to an idea neither of you had considered, but one that God brings to light during the discussion.

So going back to our conversation, let’s watch what can occur when we add a soft answer, and more respect from the wife:

“I think I’m going to put the sump pump in this weekend instead of Tuesday night,” Michael commented to his wife, Charysa.

“Oh?” Charysa responded nonchalantly. “I’m sure you have a good reason for doing that – do you mind helping me understand?”

“I’m exhausted when I get home in the evenings after working all day,” he said. “My friend Lucas said he could help me this weekend – it takes a few hours and I could use the help.”

“That’s great that you got help! I didn’t realize how big a job it was. I really appreciate you taking care of it to save us money,” she responded. “What I’m concerned about is the heavy rains we are supposed to get on Wednesday. It’s supposed to really start pouring Tuesday night. What should we do?”

“Hmmm…I didn’t know that. I wouldn’t worry about it. We haven’t had any issues with the sump pump – it should be fine,” he replied.

“So if I understand you correctly, you are thinking that you and Lucas can install it on the weekend? I can appreciate you wanting to wait when you are fresh and have more time. I know I’m worrying because it seems like the pump is really working every time it rains. It has lasted this long, though, so you are probably right. Just to put my mind at ease, will you plan to take the day off if the pump fails so I’m not dealing with a flooded basement by myself? I don’t think I could rip up the carpet or get the furniture out by myself,” she asked.

“Well, yes, I will commit to that,” he offered.

She smiled, not fully satisfied, but it was a decision she could live with, particularly since he was the one doing the work. An hour later, Michael let her know his friend Lucas would be coming over that afternoon to install the new pump. “I didn’t want to wait,” he told her.

Granted, not all interactions go this smoothly. Different priorities and differing levels of maturity result in different results. I can honestly say, however, that having worked on communicating with respect for both my husband and myself, and submitting instead of arguing have resulted in fewer conflicts, and more adult behavior on both our parts. I’ve seen it happen over and over again for others, too.

Dare you to ask God to reveal to you where your communication is breaking down, whether you are choosing to own things that aren’t yours to own, whether you are contentious and competitive (disrespectful), a doormat or a dominator, or overly emotional in your interactions. We all have growing to do in wisdom (maturity) with God and with men!

So glad you are on the journey! We’ll have more on this topic next blog.

Love to you,

~Nina

What about you? How have you seen yourself mature in how you engage in conflict? What is God revealing to you in this area?

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