How to Deal with Defensiveness

aka how to scare your husband...

If you are looking for how to deal with defensiveness, this may help.

So a while back, we ran a survey and discovered a commonly used phrase that instills fear into the average husband.

The creator of all this anxiety? 

One of the most commonly used phrases by wives around the western world:  “We need to talk.” 

Fully 96% of our survey respondents had a negative reaction to those words.  Reactions ranged from comments like, “What’d I do now?” and, “I’m in trouble,” to various swear words and thoughts about whether or not wifey has spent too much money shopping, to our personal favorite, “Quoting Mr. T’s response to the question of ‘What’s your prediction for the fight?’ ‘Pain.’”

When I revealed this information during a Q&A at a workshop the other night, one of the women said, “I don’t know how to start a conversation with him, then.  We DO need to talk.  What do I say instead?”  If you want to avoid arousing resentment, causing anxiety, and build up his esteem, try this phrase, as antiquated as it sounds: “Honey, I need your counsel about something.  Do you have a few minutes?”

He’ll be blown away.  And if it’s not a good time for him, you’ll find that out as well – which, by the way, is another reason our communications go awry with our husbands.  Our timing is off. 

Bottom line:  Be wise.  Be discerning.  Choose the right words and the right time and your communication will be more effective!

Love to you,



Here’s a few more articles you might find interesting:

How to Kick Satan’s BUTT

My favorite post about satan and his influence in your marriage

Top 5 Ways to Respect Your Husband

Got a Teen with Entitlement Issues?

Struggling with Life Balance? (aka, “How’d we get in THIS mess?”) *If you are chauffeuring kids everywhere all the times, you’ll want to check this out!

How to lose the weight and keep it off (and yes, it really works!)

How to Help People (and yourself) STOP Freaking Out During Conflict

EXTENSION:  If you are wondering what to do when nothing else has helped, our Strength & Dignity eCourse can help. It’s an ongoing community, which starts after 5 sessions via email. Sign up here. We only open it up twice a year, and it closes until January on October 14th, at midnight. Sign up by FRIDAY NOON!! 🙂 

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2 thoughts on “How to Deal with Defensiveness

  1. If “counsel” is a little oo antiquated, you could always substitute.”advice”. The approach is definitely solid.

  2. Poor timing is my middle name or failing to communicate clearly could be another name applied to my failure as a wife. Your words are wise and ones I have heard repeatedly over the 13 years I have been in relationship with the man in my life. It is a lesson that I have come face to face with addressing and it is challenging to undo what I have created. However, I am committed to being the woman, wife and mother God has designed me to be; so I carry on in the race knowing God is for me, my marriage and my family.

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