I had a number of really interesting conversations with people online about the suggestions from yesterday for women who are having a hard time getting help around the house from the people they live with. We talked specifically about kids and husbands.
What was of particular interest to me was the topic of sex as a “reward” – some thought I was suggesting that our husbands are like circus animals to be trained, others thought I’d missed the heart issue of loving your husband such that we seek one-ness with him, still others thought I was right on target with how women feel.
I updated the post three times trying to clarify what I meant, balancing the many issues represented with the concept.
I still don’t think it hit the mark.
There were also two things I found interesting about the dialogues. First, they occurred via email or Facebook, and not here on the blog. I am confused by this. Why do you think people took the conversations to the side of the discussion?
Second, I agree that I missed it in how I talked about the heart issue of one-ness. I haven’t seen any research on this, but from the discussions I had yesterday, one actually with a man, and one comment from a reader in particular, I’m thinking it is highly advisable for us ladies to NOT use the terminology, “giving” or “reward” with men when talking about sex.
Men don’t want us to “give” sex to them.
They don’t want to view it as a gift.
Instead, I think they want us to WANT to “be with” them.
Maybe in just the same way as we want them to WANT to be loving toward us – without our asking, but rather because they WANT to show us love. Or maybe it’s different. I’m still chewing on this one, honestly.
But I am sorry for offending or hurting anyone as I talk about this – I suppose this topic stirs up a number of issues for many people, and I apologize for not being more sensitive to that.
I know that a majority of women (according to the research, anyway) do not think about sex the same way men do, nor are they thinking about it as often. Women typically also have to make a conscious effort to even remember sex because we do not have as much testosterone (the hormone that creates drive in the first place) as men do. Not wrong, but different, right?
I also know that for some of us, because of what has happened to us as children or in other relationships, sexual intimacy is a scary, bravery-required thing. I know suggesting that we be open to our husband, receiving his advances, even pursuing him ourselves can be frightening. I know there are triggers involved in the discussion, and suggesting to those of you who are in circumstances where you are taken from in this department by the man you married, it’s a huge leap to get from there to the place one man suggested when he said:
My experience in marriage tells me that I would rather mature the relationship to the point where my wife’s trust in me exceeds her fears and this leads her to desire being with me, not to please me, but to be with me. I don’t want my wife to please me, I want my wife to want to be with me and for her to want me to be with her. It is important to understand that “want” here does not necessary reflect a physical enjoyment only, but rather a desire for oneness that is mutual.
And one reader wrote with this story:Hubby and I just experienced this last week. As most working mothers, I’m not always game for a mid-week romp, but one evening after the kids were in bed the mood just hit. Afterward, hubby was curious where my motivation came from and I honestly told him it was because he took the time to clean the kitchen earlier that day. This was a huge deal for me. Kids have been sick all week, we were both exhausted and stressed from trying to catch up at work. I hate cooking in a dirty kitchen. More than that, I knew what a huge deal it was for him. Very rarely does he do housework on his own accord. He’s a wonderful man, but he just doesn’t do it unless we tag team it together. But my comment baffled him and I think, hurt him a bit, too. And he said “It’s not supposed to be a reward.” I explained what it meant to me and how validated I felt. That simple gesture was so unexpectedly attractive that I just couldn’t help myself. It may be misconstrued too often, but it was the sensation that hubby and I were part of one team that propelled me toward him. Everyone needs something and when our needs are met it is a beautiful thing.
What say you today on this topic?
If you are parenting small people, you should totally follow Leah and Debbie if you have tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings. Like us on Facebook so you can know when Daughters of Sarah becomes available in video format this year. I’m also active on Twitter as @NinaRoesner. Come join the discussion!
And PLEASE keep us in our prayers as we walk through the next steps of finishing the work for the video version of Daughters of Sarah!! We’re back in the studio next week. I can speak to large groups of people, but the camera… not my favorite!
Love to you,