She Did What She Could Do…

Ten years ago, he broke their covenant… with another woman.

He seemed repentant. He apologized. He said it was over.

And a few months ago, she started wondering again.

She confronted him, Matthew 18-style.

He denied it.

But he seemed secretive. And distant.

So she confronted him again.

He assured her nothing was going on…accused her of being crazy.


But there were odd things going on… receipts for flowers and small gifts she never saw. He always had a reasonable explanation. They were for his daughter, for his sister, for his mom. “You’re paranoid. Crazy,” he said. She wondered.

She began to wonder what the truth was.

She began to worry that she was crazy.

She was outside, in the pouring rain. In desperation, she prayed, “Lord, show me the truth. I literally have no idea. Am I crazy? Is there something wrong with me?”

And immediately, she sensed she should walk around to the back of the house to the curtained gazebo on the back deck.

Through the rain, she heard his voice.

“She’s starting to get suspicious again. We’re going to have to tone it down,” he said.

She opened the curtain and stared at her husband of over a decade and half on his cell phone.

“I’m not crazy,” she said to him. “You want her? You can have her. I’m leaving you.”


Initially, she told him she was giving him a year. He could figure out what he wanted during that time. He seemed repentant, sorry, and a changed man again. Weeks went by. Then she found the receipt. Flowers again.

And this time, she filed for divorce.

“He needs to figure out how to do life without me. I’ve been his meal ticket all these years, and I’m done.” She has no idea what God will do, but this man seems to need the hardest of roads to understand. He’s panicked. Perhaps he will change.  I know she hurts. A lot. This is the hardest thing she’s been through.  So we pray.

They both have difficult times ahead of them, but she knows God isn’t finished yet. She hurts. A lot. But she also feels led to do what she is doing, and perhaps the pain will result in a life changed.

I know what you are thinking, that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) but we also often forget 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, which reads, To the married I give this command – not I, but the Lord – a wife should not divorce a husband (but if she does, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband), and a husband should not divorce his wife.”

This verse reminds us that we shouldn’t divorce, but there will be times when we do, and we need to remain unmarried or reconcile if we do… which then implies that would be the purpose in the divorce.

Deep study into this topic reveals a plethora of cultural events which arguably influenced even the interpretation of Jesus’s words on the topic. If you aren’t a member at Bible.org, you should sign up and do some research yourself. Pretty interesting stuff – and lots of different opinions.

Love that you are here, love that you are on the journey.

~Nina

What do you think? Have you researched this? Got thoughts about today’s post?


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Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

50 thoughts on “She Did What She Could Do…

  1. My husband and I have spent the summer apart. I believe he has been unfaithful. He may or may not have had sex but he has communicated with numerous women the past few years. These ” friendships” are inappropriate. I have been left to parent 4 boys alone. He has not contributed financially in about 4 months. All his money has home into a bar he opened in June. I knew that bar would open the door to the enemy. I don’t know what happen to the sweet, loving thoughtful person I fell in love with. My heart is broken. We used to be active in church. Our church ceased to exist under some very bad circumstances January ’12 and that’s when things really got bad. To my knowledge he is a believer, just no fruit. His faith is practically nonexistent since the church disappointment. I always told him I don’t believe in divorce and he will have to be the one to file. I too have been made to feel crazy. I’ve been told the text messages I read aren’t that I think. Even though they are blatant. I’ve been through some very bad things in my life but I have never hurt this bad. I didn’t even know it was possible. I’m mad at myself for being so pathetic the past couple months. Practically begging him up come home. Truth is I know I don’t want things to be like they were and I don’t want him back without changes. It’s sad and depressing. I love him and can’t believe we are at this place.

    • Tammy, I am so sorry you are going thru this…you probably feel so alone. I am praying for you. Might I also suggest Michelle-Weiner-Davis’ book, Divorce Remedy? She also does coaching to help in situations like these.

      Love to you,
      -Nina

    • Hi Tammy – Tona here. This is my boat. Our men are deceived (do we ever wonder why “Do not be deceived” is laced across the New Testament?) I too feel alone (and I tell the Lord so). Your situation (similar to mine) has been going on for almost five years now. Our children (adult and teens) feel and act on the hurt and pain as well. This is from the guy who was divorced before (God used his past divorce to lead him to Christ) and promised he would never, ever do this again. But other women (“just friends” or “discipling relationships”) turned his heart away and into stone (like Solomon’s was).
      Frankly, the body of Christ is not acting like the church, the bride. We’ve got all these worldly fixes and programs that are not founded on the Word but at best on private interpretation – but what is needed is discipline – the real kind that God tells us to engage in His Word. Discipline for immorality (physical, emotional, spiritual) isn’t happening. Discipline for physical abuse isn’t happening. Instead, the body suffices to be like the world and go to Court when it can be nipped in the bud upfront. It’s 1 Corinthians in Technicolor! God gives us the answers in His word, but sadly, most (from the pulpit downward) don’t take what Jesus said seriously, “If you love me, keep my commandments.” BUT GOD. We forget Him most of the time. We expect to see and experience at the hyper level but His fingerprints, His hands and feet are in the daily grind. I agree with Nina – if in physical danger, let someone know and get to safety. In fact, emotional abuse is just as serious (although when ladies say something, we’re told we are bashing our husbands and are gossiping). Can I say take this all one day at a time (sufficient for today is the trouble in it) and there are days that we are hard pressed on every side yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed – always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body …. easier for me to write this today than a year ago or even a month ago. Working out the Respect Dare is a moment by moment thing – even to those of us whose husbands do not obey the word. A wise, older, Titus 2 woman recently reminded me (as also the Holy Spirit did) – those who live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution and in this world, you will have trouble, but be of good cheer, Jesus has overcome the world. Father God, may Tammy and I hold tight to You, through the deep water and rivers, through the fire and flame and through the valley of the shadow of death. In the name of Jesus I ask this, Amen. Hold fast.

      • I’ve been so depressed I haven’t been back to read comments. Thanks so much. God has spoken to me several times
        To let me know I am to keep
        Holding on and that I’m handling this the right way. It is so hard. The loneliness is unbearable
        At times. The thoughts replay in my head all the time. It is a constant battle. I’m convinced more and more each day he is under attack. It’s evidenced in the mood swings etc. Please continue to pray for my marriage. I’m waiting and holding onto
        His promises.

        • Praying for you, beautiful. Stop focussing on your husband and instead turn your eyes toward your own relationship with God by reading the Bible, praying, listening, and obeying. 🙂

          • So true. I’m having a very difficult time doing this, but I am trying. I do Know God is how I’m making it. I appreciate your prayers so much.

            • Joining with Nina in her advice.

              The best I have is to bring comfort to you with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God. (2 Corinthians 1:4)

              Often hard to fathom, but yet we having the mind of Christ know with certainty the marriage relationship. In Matthew 19: 1-6, the word coming from Jesus’ mouth to the Pharisees who insisted on testing Him (v.3) was, “… Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female, For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (v. 4-6). So we know what the marriage relationship is in plain language. This matches up to Malachi 2 and why God rebukes husbands for dealing with their wives treacherously and ultimately, God declaring that He hates divorce, because it covers one’s garment with violence. This also matches with 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. Our present situation in our home is in a stall of sorts for who knows how long and it is like the long destruction of our family. I long for reconciliation and restoration of our once God centered marriage (the desire that Christ has firmly planted in my heart) and I long for the sort of stories I hear often ringing throughout the body of Christ – but practically and frankly, don’t see happening in front of me right now – and that I have to realize is ok, but I don’t like it one bit.

              So I return to the Word of God, which never fails and IS wisdom par none.

              I know your depression (sort of coming out of a latest episode) and having a specific word(s) from the Lord that we cling to. Echoing through my mind the past couple of weeks (again) has been Paul’s description – that we have this treasure (Christ in us,the hope of glory) in earthen vessels (jars of clay, vulnerable in daily use) that the excellency of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed – always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered up to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our flesh. (2 Corinthians 4:7-11). When I get down and for the life of me cannot figure it out or just plain don’t know or hear some excuse for why my husband and I in this mess, I go back to what I do know – the simplicity that is in Christ (2 Corinthians 11:3b) and let Him sort it out. The re-runs bombard me also constantly – and yes, I do despair (if we didn’t despair, we wouldn’t need an admonition to not despair), but Jesus said, “Come unto Me, all who are weary and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for you souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-29).

              I have a sign (from Pinterest) on my refrigerator that says Do What is Right, Not What is Easy. It probably should say, Choose what is Right, Not What is Easy.

              Another place to hold fast to is Psalm 37:1-11 (but all of Psalm 37 is applicable).

              Hold fast girlfriend – holding fast with you and in prayer.
              (sorry to seem rambling …)

              Love (and Jesus loves you best and most)
              Tona

                • Hi Nina – hope all is well. Thank you for being my friend and sister in Christ. Will check in with you on FB.
                  Tona

              • This is so beautiful and encouraging. Much of what you said is so parallel to my situation. God had me turn to Philemon a week ago, a book I really knew nothing about, I almost turned to proverbs or psalms since I was looking for encouragement, but instead only a few words jumped out to me ” I am sending him-my very heart-back to you” I let my friend know what God had just showed me and she was amazed because she had been given the same verse over a year ago. The next night I sat down to read that verse again, instead a different voice jumped off the page, ” perhaps he has been gone for a little while so he can return to you for good”. These were words from God. I couldn’t tell you anything else on those pages. Those verses are the only ones I have read from Philemon. God used his word to speak to me. He is telling me I am doing as I should be. It doesn’t matter what it looks like, God and I know what’s going on. I am offering up unconditional love and grace when it may not look as though it is deserved. God is also telling me I am in his way. I am constantly compelled to text or call. I am doing less of this but I refuse to pretend I’m busy, avoid calls, etc. I don’t feel lead to play those “games”
                But to just be honest. I am praying for the thoughts and images to be erased. I am praying for total restoration. I am praying for daddy to be home for the holidays. Jesus is already on the other side of this. It is my job to be patient , faithful and believe. God is doing something big, the pain is hard but the end will be worth it. I do battle
                Depression and I have good and bad days. I recognize it is mostly the enemy, wanting me to despair and give in to what may seem easier. A couple weeks ago my husband actually asked me not to give up on him. He had asked for divorce before and after that. He said he is going through something (depression) and it is obvious. He says I’m too good for him etc. There’s a lot of history there but now I make it a point to say I love you every morning and night and tell him I’m not giving up on him. I am trying to work on myself to become the wife I need to be, while I do not take blame for all this I recognize the areas I need to work on. I refuse to talk about divorce. I’ve made it clear I will never file or “give him one”. God is at work and this is another part of my already amazing life testimony. I keep thinking ok, God I’m ready to share and actually did share several times this past year for the first time
                But God is showing me he is not yet finished and I have more work to do for the kingdom to help other hurting people.

                • Wow. Will you join us on our Facebook page to share, encourage, and receive encouragement? Praying for you, Beloved.
                  Love to you,
                  Nina

                • Amen Tammy.
                  Instead of working on yourself (hate to tell you, the effort isn’t worth it) – just as the Word of God jumped off the page at you, submit to the Lord, resist the devil and he will flee. Let the Lord do the work in you. Romans 12:1-2; 1 Peter 2:11-3:17. Colossians 3:12-17; Colossians 3:23-25; Colossians 4:5-6; Romans 13:14 : ) There’s a treasure trove more, but I know the Lord can show you, like he does for me and Nina and the other Beloved who share on this post.
                  Love,
                  Tona

                  • I should have been clearer. What I mean is I’m trying through the help of Christ not to be consumed by my husband and our situation. It’s hard not to be. What I should have said is I’m working through The Lord to make the necessary changes in me as I Hans over my husband to The Lord and get out of his way.

                    • I’m in the same boat Tammy. : )
                      I hear a lot from other beloved women how much they “work” on themselves and that I need to do the same. Nina made a comment today on obedience – choosing to first, then all the other follows in time (sometimes instant, sometimes quick, sometimes swift and sometimes painfully slow).
                      Please forgive me for offending by being nit-picky.

                      Tona

                    • No offense! I guess I want to be clear I’m doing nothing on my own these days. The mere act of getting dressed and doing what I must do each day is dependent upon God right now. My days have not become easier with time. I miss my husband terribly. The little things. But I know I would not need him back until God is finished with him because it would be more of the same. I hold into Mark 11:23-25. I know what I know what I know and I hold onto his promise.

                    • I’m with you on this. And likely other beloved women are too – glad we can share and hold each other up to the Lord. I miss my husband terribly too – such a void without his presence. But God hasn’t left our home, although there are times I think He isn’t around (but He is …). Love you Tammy. Keep in touch please.
                      Love,
                      Tona

                • I got to work today and found your thread.. Weird because I haven’t posted to this blog for a while. In my marriage there has been infidelity on both sides.. yes that means I am just as guilty (if not more so) then my husband.. it doesn’t make it easier though.. I am so deeply hurt and working to trust in the Lord that all will work out for the best and that my marriage will be better than it was before. I am not a very patient person so this is definately a lesson in trust and patience for me.. I hear the voice of the Lord tell me all the time to sit quiet and be patient but I anm not a very patient girla dn this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I pray for you too along with me so that we both may have our gfamilies while again for the holidays

    • Tammy, I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband and I too are spending the summer apert.. and probably the fall too.. I was the one who was unfaithful. I failed to open my eyes and show the respect my husband deserved so now I lack his love. I can sit here and start telling you all the things I had felt he was doing wrong, but that is not what God wants for me. I am to be looking at the good. How hard he does work to be able to provide for me and the kids. My respect is his need. and I will do it

  2. Nina, I have been separated for almost 2 yrs now after 25 yrs of marriage. Really been a difficult time. He is in another state and right now does not want a reconciliation. I have decided that if he wants a divorce that he will have to file.I will not. He is a believer but I feel is really being deceived by the enemy. Really struggling financially and living with my elderly mother and taking care of her and substitute teaching, I really need a permanent job with benefits because of some physical issues. I am trusting God trying to let him work on me.

      • Yes … rejoiceministries.org. Encouragement and admonishment and insight from the Word of God, the hosts and the many brothers and sisters who write in and share.

  3. I’m in a sick cycle of lying… Even about things that don’t matter… I’m praying and working to change my behavior but I fear my husband is done waiting on me to show him the respect he deserves.. He is so unloving he has even gone on friend first dates… Please please any one who reads this pray for me and my marriage

  4. Things I know …
    • She did all she could. Divorce is a decision made between a husband, wife and God. She is praying, seeking God, He is directing her path (evidenced in the conversation she overheard). We are all human, marriage takes 2, he doesn’t appear ready to follow God. She did all she could.
    • She hurts. A lot. Life decisions bring a heavy burden. Discernment inside of conflict is very hard. The one person that she should be able to go to in the midst of conflict is the very person causing the pain … it’s an alone feeling that is almost indescribable. So thankful that God is with her.

    My own story of divorce gives me insight to this hurt. I left without the kids, I came home. I left with the kids, I came home. I asked him to leave, he came home. He moved to the basement – and he stayed there. Over the course of 4 years I struggled. I sought counsel. I prayed. I ran from God in anger. I repented and returned to Him. In the end, when he said it was over, God showed me this in 1 Corinthians 7: 15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife[e] is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you[f] to live in peace.)

    Peace was something that I needed. Peace, in the midst of this kind of hurt, surpasses ALL understanding. God gave it to me. I walked toward Him. That path crossed with a man of God, also divorced. As God was healing us individually we were given the gift of a covenant called marriage. God’s hand is not only on our marriage, His Spirit dwells within it.

    In Genesis 50 Joseph says to his brothers, “20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” I believe that God has given my husband and I the ability to touch the lives of many people BECAUSE WE ARE DIVORCED. We have experienced God’s Holy power moving in court rooms and judges pertaining to our divorce case. We have begun a prayer group every Sunday at 6 specifically praying for the children of divorce. Our own hearts have been molded and shaped to see our ex-spouses through the eyes of God. Regardless of my past, there is just no way that God is not blessing my marriage today, I have too much proof that He is here.

    Today I am more spiritually mature than I was then. God has shown me a different way to do marriage through resources like The Respect Dare, The Love Dare and a church family that loves God by loving people. I have surrounded myself with like-minded Christians. Today, put in my same past circumstances, God may have led me to a different path. But God doesn’t allow us to re-live our lives, he asks us to look ahead.
    Isaiah 18: “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history.
    Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.”

    Phillipians 3: 13 No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it,[d] but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

    Romans 8: “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power[a] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you[b] from the power of sin that leads to death.”

    Today I walk in the confidence that my sins are forgiven, if divorce WAS straying from the path He set for me it is still a past (and forgiven) sin. Psalm 103: 12 He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

    For this sister in Christ, and all of those out there with these questions – I pray for direction and wisdom and above all for someone in each of your lives that will stand beside you and pray with you.

    • That is amazing! I’ve wondered about my husband’s fidelity long before I broke my own… Now I fear he is using my known issue to justify his.. He is a non believer. I will NOT file for divorce unless I know for sure he has been unfaithful. We used to have the relationship most dreamed of. Addiction to porn ruined us both. I pray for my own healing first and foremost .. Then his and our marriage.

      • Tiff – please take this for what it is worth coming from someone who has been in your situation. You just admitted that you were unfaithful but will not file for divorce unless you know HIS infidelity is proven. WHY? Is his sin worse than yours? Would you stay in a marriage expecting him to forgive you when you would not do the same for him? Forgiveness demands that you absorb the suffering attached to it. Sounds like you both are hurt and have to forgive each other in order to move on.

        Yes! Continue to pray, but I found that it wasn’t until I began to selflessly pray for others -especially those who wronged me -that God began to work on my heart and give me the ability to more easily absorb that suffering and forgive. And once I was able to let go of the hurt by putting it at the cross, I began to be a nicer person and someone others no longer WANTED to hurt…. or perhaps it was just that God worked on their hearts as well.

        God will never let you down, Tiff. Prayers for you my sister!

        • Gail, I never responded to you.. YES I agree that I too must forgive if I expect forgiveness. I am working on it.. I still do not fully know the level of his unfaithfulness. I am very scared. We have our first counceling appointment in 12 days. I am worried he is going to try to back out of it, but trusting God that it will all be ok. I believe my husband does love me, but he is still not ready to trust me again yet.. I don’t know how I can trust him with certain things anymore either though. That is where I rest in God.. willing to forgive, hoping to recvieve it also and to have the trust anfd faith restored to my marriage.

  5. I think this is one of those cases where we harm ourselves by trying to paint with broad brush strokes. Marriage is both a civil and a secular contract and in some cases I think we have lost the ability to marry in God rather than just civil law. The only time God spoke at my first wedding was to ask, do you really think this is a good idea? If we are in a civil marriage with a person who does not believe in God or actively calls out against him, are we truly married? Does the devil carry his bride across the threshold? I look at my first marriage as a purgatory deeper than Hell.

    My forever spouse and I have this amazing peace in our home that me fifteen years ago wouldn’t have believed existed. It is always a crazy push to just hold our ground, regardless of the challenges, but we have so much more going for us than ever before. We have a strong and faithful family and extended family who has reached out to help us in any way they can. We have a deep understanding of what is truly on the line. We have the maturity to hold the course and fight the good fight.

    I don’t like to ‘compare’ marriages because there just is no comparison. I insult my forever spouse by even using the same word for what we share that applied to the contract between my ex husband and I. We alternatively fall at each others feet in gratitude for what we have been given in each other. The safety and peace in our home is such a balm for souls that have struggled every step just to survive to see today and only by His grace do we go on to see tomorrow.

    I wouldn’t presume to know the contents of someone else’s marriage anymore than I could claim to know the weight of their soul. I couldn’t say where the line where one is not truly married is, or when one has become the human toy of another person whose intentions are to cause pain and damage. My ex saw me as a lower than the dog he kicked when he had a bad day. I was not human in his eyes, but a thing to be abused and humiliated. I was not the first, or last woman he has used in this way. This is bigger than me.

    I can’t condemn those who suffer out long sentences for acting in what they felt was good faith at the time, those who were not counseled by family and friends or those who actively resisted the council of family and friends, those who were too naive to enter into a contract and who lacked the understanding of what is and is not acceptable treatment of another human being, or that someone might use them in such a way.

    That is between the individual and their higher power.

    I am working towards forgiveness, believe it or not – although this does not mean I am not angry at the things I am currently sorting out because of his refusal to accept that divorce is not a new chapter of an abusive relationship, but the END of that relationship.

    • Mandi,
      Thank you for your comment and insight. You have suffered much. What is interesting, and worthy of mentioning is that YOU were present (are present) in two extremes. Not that I am comparing marriages to compare, but it seems noteworthy to mention that if you were say, an apple, you were driven over, ground into the dirt, by one person; yet planted, watered, and grown into a beautiful tree by another.

      The point is that like Christine said on Monday,
      “Speaking from my personal experience and still living daily with these type of responses, I feel that no matter how much respect you show your husband… (1) he must respect himself first (2) he must be willing to receive it. A wife cannot force him receive the respect or anything else she gives to him or does for him. If his perception of his wife is mostly through eyes of hurt, anger, unforgiveness, etc., then he is unable to see anything in a positive manner concerning her. Just my thoughts on it… all you can do… the best thing you can do is PRAY!” Yours, and many other abused women’s situations testify to this sad, but relevant truth.

      Glad you are here,
      Love to you,
      ~Nina

      • Love your words here… Clear and honest…. A dear friend of mine replied to a text I sent her and it sounds similar to what you are saying here. I was sharing with her my hurt after apologizing to my husband again after, yet, another argument that ended in unkind words on both sides. I shared how much I wish we grow and be respectful to one another. She wrote: “It appears ______’s issues (his beliefs) are overwhelming his sense of justice (as you interpret it). Not a rational situation, so NO sweet reasonableness is present (no amount of apology will suffice in his mind since you have become his enemy–you won’t submit to his perceived needs). It’s fight/flight survival–like ultimately we learn about ourselves–threat= survival mode. Expecting to reason w/ him thru apologies, or whatever doesn’t seem to work for you, does it? Expecting a different response from him hasn’t gotten much reasonableness–he seems to be digging in harder for his ammunition to destroy you (his perception of you) so you don’t have influence on him. It’s sad. I appreciate your desire to get help–direct counseling–You know that is your need & not his. He’s expressed himself on that in many ways. Submitting to speaking to him has ended up becoming verbal abuse for both of you–if what I’m sensing that your dialogues have caused you to need to apologize to him for your words. He is letting you know he will not be the person you have believed scripture had revealed to you he should be, or be a person fulfilling a role you think he should. I’m thinking this kind of thinking is for you to grieve, not to try to influence to happen in his heart. In his mind you have no credibility so your words will only be turned against him. Truce. Time out. Don’t fix anymore (in your mind & heart). Your energy is gone, you’ve done your best so far. Get help to build up the person /poem God has in mind for you–in the midst of all the relationships you have, so far, cultivated, to be integrated in your poetry of life–gaining insight on the lies that threaten to keep you hostage, and living more freely among your family.” i wrote back to her, “Wow, where did that come from?” She replied ” I am simply echoing what I have been hearing you say to me.” Isn’t amazing how we can’t even hear our own voices when we are hurting. Thankfully we have people like you, Nina, Respect Dare challenges, etc.

      • Nina. And Mandi… I feel like an abused wife.. I believed in him for so long while he led me down a sinful path. And now I feel such shame I have done things and lied to even him.. Praying for peace..

        • Tiff –
          Praying rest and peace for you tonight. Tough things ahead, now and in the middle, but you will grow during the process. I’m so sorry for your suffering…dark days indeed, beloved. I am praying for you, and I’m sure many others are as well…
          Glad you are here,
          Love to you,
          ~Nina

  6. Married for 7 years to an abusive unbeliever, and abused by his family led me to conclude I had two choices: leave and live, stay and die. I chose the former. I became closer to God, I healed a lot of the wounds – not all. I met a man who was a believer and we fell in love. We got married. We have a child that the doctors said I could not have. This life I have now is abundantly blessed – including my marriage.

    It is like the old question – why do we shoot our wounded? Nothing tears a life apart like divorce, and yet the more wounded we are the more the very supports we need – fellowship. prayer, church family – can be torn from us. Slinging Biblical references like evangelical ninjas they miss the truth of the greatest commandment of all – to love God and love one another.

    Those who are in abusive marriages can be harassed by the church to stay when it is not safe. When their very lives are at stake someone will say, “God hates divorce” instead of “Love one another” or work on those planks before you bother my sliver. There are those who are told they should not love again, that to remarry is to be an adulteress leading her new husband to hell with their bastard children. Yep those words were said to me. They hurt no?

    When I remarried to the blessing God sent me, and had the child God blessed us with I lost a couple of friends who thought both were enormous sins. That I was in danger of going to hell and that my beloved husband and son were not God’s will. It hurt. Very much. They were wrong.

    No one but me knew the danger I was in before with my former husband. No one knew what I went through to end up with him in the first place. So they had no idea the healing God brought me to make me whole enough to love again. To have the child no one said I could have.

    I know God hates divorce. I also know God loves me more. And I will never believe that the God who died for me would want me to die for anything less than His glory, indeed He would rather I live for Him! Sing, shout, love, laugh, minister, pray and be the friend I didn’t get to have.

    If you are married to a believer and you are not being abused then don’t quit if there is something to save. I can get behind that. But if you are in danger,if your child or children are in danger, then you need to get to safety. The church is not immune to abusers of any stripe, and we need to know that predators linger in our midst sometimes at home and sometimes at church.

    Remember Matthew 10:16 “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”

    • Shanyn,
      I’m sorry for the hurts you’ve suffered, and praising Him for the learning you’ve received from Him. He does make beauty from ashes! 🙂 And you do a good job of reinforcing the “marry a believer” edict in the Bible. Thank you so much for taking time to comment. It makes me crazy how we Christians treat each other sometimes. 🙂
      Love to you,
      ~Nina

    • shanyns,

      Only the victim of abuse has the right to decide when they have had enough and when it is time to get out of there.

      I was in an abusive marriage for 23 years. I stayed because of the kids. When they had both finished high school, I quit walking on eggshells. It wasn’t long after that that she left me and then divorced me.

      I am glad that you have now found happiness.

      Jim

  7. The Bible is clear about divorce and remarriage but in the instance of infidelity, Matthew 5:32, Matthew 19:9, and a few more reference infidelity http://www.openbible.info/topics/divorce_and_adultery which seems to be the only permissible reason for divorce.

    This husband is obviously a broken individual with self control issues and maybe even value issues. This is one of those times where stricter boundaries should have been placed rather than an open year to “let him decide”. She set him up for failure. Please hear me, I’m not calling a man a child, but in his childlike state of *sinful* choices, he deserved the right to have healthy and respectful boundaries placed in him. It might have not have changed anything but boundaries like: going to therapy for sexual compulsion, submitting his phone to her when he wasn’t at work, going over phone records together, all money in only one account etc… Again, though, the Bible seems to give a pass for infidelity. I’m only pointing out what needed to be done that second time. She should have either left right then or set strict boundaries. Making it broad did allow him to be set up for failure. I am curious as to how she treated him in that year. Was she cold and hardened? Or was she warm and respectful?

    When I’m talking with a wife that is in a broken state following infidelity, I give her the scriptures but then I challenge her to consider looking at her husband as a lost husband and we are challenged to love them and continue in our walk. I give them examples of boundaries and consequences he must follow and then we talk about the scriptures surrounding remarriage. The goal is to let them decide to walk in obedience as the Lord is calling using scripture. Many return after a repentant husband with no boundaries in place. This isn’t healthy nor fair to either spouse.

    Divorce-outside of infidelity is tricky. Mostly it’s wrong and scriptures are plain on remarriage in these instances. We have to decide if we want to be obedient to God’s word. If not we do miss out on blessings and rewards and we are harming our testimony.

    Remarriage is even trickier and often wrong based on scripture. It’s a decision of obedience versus disobedience and waiting on God’s timing rather than our own.

    However, two of the most important scriptures are regarding giving ourselves grace and forgiveness that helps to tie all of this up. God is a God of love and conviction but He is not the God of shame. 1 Corinthians 10:23 says that for believers, everything is permissible but not all things are beneficial. Obedience is always beneficial. Disobedience, while permissible is rarely beneficial. Lastly no matter the poor choices we made in any area of our lives, it’s imperative that in those moments of unreturnable (can’t go back) doubt and shame, God says in Romans 8:28 that he works ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called (we are all called) according to HIS purpose.

    • What would suggest to a husband whose wife was unfaithful? I ask because I am that wife.. I am doing my best to be open, honest and transparent, but he is no longer this way with me out of his fear of more hurt.. which I understand..I just wish he would make a choice.. Be with me, commit to counceling with me. As I am in it by myself now. OR just file the divorce papers so both of us can heal and move on.. I want my marriage to heal and be forever.. at this point it is not my choice though.

      • Tiffanie, so so sorry to hear of what you are going through – I’m so proud of you for repenting and turning toward God now. Just keep doing what you are doing – healing takes time unless Christ intervenes in a miraculous way – and often He doesn’t because of learning that needs to occur. I’m so glad you are here. Keep respecting, keep moving forward.

        Love to you,
        ~Nina

        • Nina,
          Thank you for your words. Yes I too believe God is holding off while I learn all the lessons I need. I need to ensure all my issues are worked through so this NEVER happens again. I truely love my husband and pray every day that we can both heal, forgive and come back together as husband and wife and stay that way until our last breaths.

  8. My husband and I are seperated right now due to his affair. It has only been 3 months so I am still praying that He will come home if that is Gods will, but I finally realize I can not sit around and wait that I have to make changes in me as well. It is very hard to hold off and not want to control the situation but I know it’s not up to me.

  9. What if you are divorced because he took someone else. And meet up with someone in the same situasion. Will this relationship then not be blessed by the lord?

    • Okay, ladies – I am going to give you a well-thought out response, complete with research and links. However, that takes a while. 🙂 so check back – I might even then it into a blog post for Friday. So know it is coming, and keep asking questions. 🙂

      • Hi Girlfriend – will be in prayer and supplication for your well-thought out response. Praying for living water to flow forth from your innermost being! You know I am in this group. Love you Nina.

  10. What if there is no chance to be reconciled to your husband since he decided to marry someone else?

    • Maybe you can be reconciled, by forgiving him, and have peace between yourselves even if the relationship is not restored?

  11. Hi Nina,
    I’m a divorced because my x husband had numerous affairs. 4 years after this I met again, by next to impossible circumstances, an old mutual friend, also divorced for the same reason.

    What I’m wondering, and sure there are many others also, about the following: if you are a divorcee, and then go into a relationship/marriage, with a fellow chirstian, will this then not have the blessing of our lord?

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