When He Sins Against You…

The following is a true story, shared by one of our readers. I have changed a few details to protect her identity. We’ll refer to her as, “She.”

There are several parts to this story. We’ll pick up the next section tomorrow.

“What do you want? I don’t know what you want…” he said, discouraged.

“I want to feel loved by you…” she said, tears in her eyes.

“But I DO love you,” he replied.

“How on earth would I ever know that?” she asked incredulously. “You have gobs of criticism and judgment for me, but never a kind word or a compliment.”

“That’s not true…” he said, uncertainly.

And before things escalated, wisdom kicked in. She stifled the urge to argue with him.

That had been done in the past.

And it didn’t work.

Nothing changed.

The pain was real, and had been there for years. She’d worked hard learning what his love language was, doing things that spoke respect and love into his life. She had begun the work years ago because she wanted to feel loved by the man she married. She wanted her kids to see something other than dysfunction and unhappiness. She was tired of feeling empty and alone in her marriage. She made mistakes, but learned to speak his language, and as she had, out of her obedience to God’s word in Ephesians 5:33 (and the wife must respect her husband) she found her relationship with God had grown.

There had been a transition within her, also.

While she still daily, intentionally demonstrated respect for her husband, gone were the days where the effort was an attempt at purchasing his loving behavior towards her. Her heart still ached for his affection to be communicated in a way she could experience deeply, but she did what God asked her to do because she knew it was what God wanted. And she wasn’t perfect – and she apologized when she made mistakes. He still seemed somewhat clueless about how to love her well, even though she had been specific with what she felt would make her feel important to him.

The tears welled. She didn’t try to stop them. She noticed, however, the absence of anger and resentment. She prayed briefly and the tears spilled over onto her cheeks.

Help him understand,” Love spoke to her heart.

“All I want,” she began, “is for you to touch me when you don’t want sex. Like daily, maybe pull my hair out my eyes and put your hand on my cheek. And I want you to say something affirming to me about once a day, something other than, ‘Thanks for dinner,’ something romantic, like, ‘How’d I marry such a pretty girl?’ or, ‘I wish I didn’t have to go to work and could just hang out with you all day.’ I want to feel like I am important to you, special.”

He did try for a while.

And then he seemed to forget again, little by little.

She clung to God daily, and brought it up again several months later, feeling led.

“I know,” he said. “It just doesn’t come naturally to me.”

There was no apology, no empathy for her hurt feelings. “Help him learn to love you,” came the Voice in her heart. “Gently restore,” came More. The verses from Matthew 18 on conflict scrolled through her mind.

Dare you to read the verses – there are literally volumes of Truth in that one chapter that apply to every single relationship in your life. Dare you to ask Him for eyes to SEE today.

More tomorrow on what she actually did.

So glad to be on the journey with you… it’s so much cozier with you here. If you haven’t yet, I hope you’ll subscribe to the blog so we can encourage you around 3 times a week via email. Click the “follow” button – and know we will never give your email to anyone else for any reason.

Part 2 is up HERE. 🙂

Love to you,


titus 2 women leadership

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

18 thoughts on “When He Sins Against You…

  1. I’m glad I have discovered this blog, and I’m looking forward to the rest of this series. I am struggling with exactly this, except that at this point I would be happy to just even get the sex touching…there is none at all in this marriage and for the life of me I can’t figure out how he can in one breath (rarely) say that he loves me (if I ask him), yet show zero amount of care for me.

    • YES. We understand… and we are just so glad you are here! You are not alone.
      Love to you, dear sister.

  2. Can anyone suggest how to respectfully respond when every annoyance my husband feels results in calling me bad names (I hate the b word!). With God’s help I no longer call them back, but my silence or leaving the room does not change his behavior.

    • Susie –
      So glad you are here! What have you done other than stop calling them back, being quiet or leaving the room?
      Those are all great things to do – and what I am wondering is if you have taken the next step, in a calm moment, maybe when his stomach is full or his sexual appetite is satisfied, if you’ve said something like, (or even left a note if you can’t say it in love – but ask God if you are to overlook this insult or confront it) “Baby, I love it when you call me (insert term of endearment if appropriate) – it makes me want to do more of what we just did… 🙂 (or if he doesn’t have a pet name for you, just say “I love it when your words are sweet and gentle with me – makes me want more of what we did last night! “)… I would like it if you would stop calling me names when you are angry. I know I have done this in the past to you, and I’m so sorry to have sinned against you and God in this way – I am doing my best to never do this again, because I want to treat you with respect. Will you try this with me? I know God sees us as precious to Him and it would make Him pleased if we honored each other in this way.”

      Or you could just do the apology – he might get it from that, but I’m guessing that if he’s calling you names in the first place, he probably hasn’t “put 2 and 2 together” and even noticed that you don’t do it any more. Not that he is stupid, but rather that like many men, he isn’t aware and has habits, like the rest of us. 🙂
      Love to you!
      So glad you are here!!

  3. This is an encouragment. Going through this scenario over and over again and this time Ive been fighting not to give up. I feel so much pain in my heart, that my husband don’t seem to really care about me. I feel used all the time… confused. It’s even more painful serving my husband, being a wife when he doesn’t even bother thinking about me. Kissing and holding doesn’t always need to end in sex, and I don’t know why my husband dont get that.

    • Merce –

      SO glad you are here! 🙂

      What is most interesting is that there are two things we KNOW about men that tie into EXACTLY what you are talking about and SO many women struggle with!!! – most of the time, we are simply completely mis-reading each other and thus, mis-communicating – sometimes because he is unaware, however, of what his behavior communicates. The second thing is this: men do NOT release the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, until AFTER or during gobs of touching and sex – they get so much of it that they then doze off… 🙂 … so

      GOD created this man and wife relationship thing to be difficult – on purpose – so we would learn to love each other… because WOMEN OPERATE THE OPPOSITE.

      OMWord… can I tell you how frustrated with God I was for weeks when I learned this? But, He is in the transformation business, so I should not be at all surprised when His creation is designed to transform us. 🙂

      LOVE YOU, BABY!!
      So glad you are here! 🙂

  4. I want to thank you for persistantly sending email notices of posts to me even though i ignore them sometimes (to my own detriment i might add) because when i DO come and read you not only encourage me to keep on keeping on, but also encourage me to push myself closer to God and what HE wants me to do in my marriage. Although i am ‘following’ your blog and your practical advice you are shoving us to follow GOD because you are consistantly giving us Scripture to grasp onto, chew on, and follow. **** A PRAISE!! My husband made an appt with our pastor for counsellng! There was a Matt 18 event ( i was told it is the biggest disrespect i could have done) and i thought after that all was lost. Then you posted the link on 12-24-12 which gave me support–it was not wrong to sometimes take that step when there is clear sin. Please continue to write…. your nudges are SO helpful! So grateful that you allow us to walk alongside you on this journey, dear friend!

    • Just glad you are here, lovely! 🙂 Praying for your time with the counselor!
      It’s all for His glory!

  5. WOW……….this is EXACTLY what is happening in our marriage of almost 29 years. My eyes are filled with tears and my body is trembling all over as I feel her pain even right this second. To be touched any other time outside of sex would be awesome. So hard for my husband to understand on a daily basis. You are helping us through this journey and I cannot wait to read tomorrow’s!
    We are in counseling together and I am currently doing the Respect Dare…………Hurting all the time!

    • Sheila –
      I am praying for you, gorgeous. Know that every tear is precious to Him. And there is learning in the middle of this – it’s not about behaviors, never has been, but it is about our hearts.
      Love to you,

    • I know what you mean, Shanyn… although I’m not sure I am still there myself. My husband and I had a collossal conflict recently, and we both spoke Truth in love to each other, and it wasn’t vulnerable for either of us, but rather freeing – and I’m still pondering this. It seems that the behaviors might look the same on the outside, but when the heart is changed, there’s freedom in the midst of love, no vulnerability, no fear, just freedom. If that makes any sense… Oh, I pray more of Him and less of me – I want to live in the midst of that 100% of the time… 🙂
      Love to you, baby!

      • Yes, makes total sense, praying for this to grow stronger and consistent….your story is my story….God wants 100pct of me and I had not allowed him that place….thanks so much for sharing !

      • It does make sense, and I had a discussion where I would have been vulnerable and this time, Praise God, I was not. It went well and it is amazing to be in that place. Even once or twice 🙂

        • OH MY WORD. Stellar! Growth for us all! 🙂 Lovin’ it! Don’t you just wish we could be there always?? 🙂 I know I do!! 🙂

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