How to Destroy Your Marriage

The conversations end the same way. “I’ve had enough.”

Hearts chewed up, spit out, and stomped on by their spouses, their pain lying raw on the cold hard cement of public judgment and well-intentioned sympathy, the tears flow and anger seethes as the circle of “those who know” widens.

And the enemy smiles.

The wives cry bitterly, loosening the reins on their tongues, swaying children to “their side,” damaging relationships throughout the family, as they garner support and encouragement to file for divorce.

The husbands crush their pain with weight-lifting, alcohol, isolation, internet porn, online gaming, and creating fear and further distance between them and those they live with.

And the enemy smiles.

Some people do need to be left, for a time, by the way.  Sometimes some spouses judge their husband or wife so harshly that nothing else will be heard.

And some days, I wonder if it’s me that’s had enough. Naïve enough to still weep and feel burdened for these couples, too many of whom are people I care deeply about, and I feel helpless to equip them. In the last three weeks, I’ve been overwhelmed by conversations with about six people, some of whom I consider friends, whose marriages are in shambles. I could never be a counselor for a living.

As I was reading Proverbs 7 this morning, God revealed to me that all these couples have one thing in common: they’ve bought the lies of the culture and are under the influence of the enemy’s lies. I’ve tried to help several of the people involved for over 5 years, but their marriages are still self-destructing. I wondered, “Why?” aloud this morning, and He showed me some Truth.

I’d like to share that with you, in an effort to help you prevent journeying down the wrong path, creating misery and havoc along the way in your relationships. Just a warning, however, this is aimed at the blind and deaf, those who are stubbornly choosing to ignore God’s commands. You might want to stop reading if you are gently led by Him… I’m sure to upset someone today.

Just for the record, there are times when I don’t want to say what I feel led to say. While I’m thankful I did not lead the life of Jeremiah, and I’m thankful God told him ahead of time that he’d speak and basically no one would do what God said and that he wouldn’t be well received, I’m just thankful I’m not him. And I cringe when I feel led to write what I’m writing today… and yes, I know that is sinful on my part, but I as human as they come… L

The Top 10 Lies Christians Believe that Destroy Relationships:

  1. Marriage is supposed to make me happy. (read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas – it’s supposed to make you HOLY)
  2. I can have everything I want. (Sorry, no, that’s called, “being selfish.” Marriage is about learning to give, not take.)
  3. It’s his/her fault. (Sorry, no, again. It’s always both people’s fault. And you are in the relationship to grow, and yes, it will eventually evolve into something beautiful that glorifies God – but only if you obey Him.)
  4. God wants me to be happy. (God wants you to grow. He wants you to reflect His character. Whether you are happy or not isn’t part of this equation. That’s a LIE from the culture. The media. It means being humble enough to know you aren’t right as often as you think you are and you need to apologize and change your behavior – and yes, if you go through a whole day without having to apologize for something to the people you live with, you are probably blinded by the enemy. Reality check on faith: the closer you get to God, the more you realize the depravity of your spirit without Him. The MORE you apologize, not the better behaved do you become! If you think that’s not true, well, I hate to tell you this, but that’s pride. That’s sin. And just so you don’t get out arrows to start firing at the messenger this morning, I have WAY too much understanding about these things. I used to buy ALL the lies – and I’m still prideful, and I hate that, but His Spirit in me is working and I’m trying to stay out of the way.)
  5. If my marriage is painful, I should leave. (God hates divorce. Check Malachi – and Jesus reinforced this in the NT. Instead, realize that if your marriage is painful, you need to 1) admit you don’t know what you don’t know, 2) ask God for wisdom, 3) get in community with other wives or husbands who are doing well to get help and Biblical advice, 4) OBEY His Word – He won’t help you or grow you until you do this, 5) TRUST Him that it will take a while – if you expect things to change overnight, they won’t, but if you leave, you’ll have an even greater statistical chance of failing in your next relationship – even though people mature as they age, if you leave a relationship, the same lack of relationship skills will be carried on to the next relationship. Oh, and for a taste of what REAL faith in the midst of pain is… check this video – we in the West have no idea what suffering even looks like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDHWYK_HtRg
  6. The fighting and arguing is damaging my kids. (This is true, and yes, you have modeled for them how not to do marriage. But if you divorce, they don’t learn how to healthfully resolve conflict, and are further damaged in deeper and long-lasting ways. And you will STILL have a huge gap in your conflict resolution abilities…so your next relationships and your current ones won’t benefit from learning.)
  7. My kids will be happier if I divorce. (In an effort to escape the pain of today, we forget that we’ll be dealing with our former spouse primarily about issues around our children. Most people have difficulties doing this. The fighting and negative interactions typically don’t stop, and frequently, the parents talk about each other in negative ways, which causes the children to feel guilt for loving the other parent. I read a study a while back about the effects of divorce on people who had grown up and were now in their 40′s, I can’t find it right now, but suffice it to say the results were not good.)
  8. God doesn’t want me to be this unhappy. (God wants you to glorify Him. The amount of pain we end up in is usually grounded in how stubborn, hard-hearted, and prideful we are. God wants us to have His peace, joy, and comfort. But that only comes from obedience to His Word. Will you learn His Truth the easy way with a teachable spirit, or do you think you know it all already? Honestly ask yourself if you are obeying Him. Do you know His Word well enough to say that you are? If you are really honest, perhaps you’ll come to the realization that you can’t do this on your own. If you are blaming your spouse for your unhappiness, you are committing the sins of judgment and pride, and the evidence of that is the condescending attitude you convey to others, or the “poor me” attitude – regardless, these things are sin.)
  9. I’ve tried everything. (Maybe you’ve tried a lot. Maybe you’ve done counseling (which works less than 25% of the time, btw), maybe you’ve gone to seminars, maybe you’ve done formal mentoring… many of you haven’t asked for honest feedback from others. Sometimes when you do, if others are hesitant about giving it, it’s because they’ve already done so and you won’t listen. You think you know better. Has that worked for you thus far? Have you apologized for the hurts you’ve caused? If you are hurting, know your spouse is also hurting… Or do you think you are perfect and she or he is crazy for feeling bad? If you haven’t done all the above over the course of about ten solid years of hard work, then start now. At least your kids will learn that families matter enough to be fought for. AND… if you haven’t tried this, you haven’t tried everything. It’s the best thing I’ve seen out there. YES, it’s expensive. YES, it’s worth it. Here it is: http://smalleycenter.com/ . I can’t recommend this program enough.
  10. I don’t need to take action now… or, I’m just waiting for xyz, then I’m leaving… (Well, while you are filling your head with your self-righteous thoughts and defending your position, nurturing an attitude of continued resentfulness, bitterness, judgment, unforgiveness, all while withholding grace and love and being disobedient, know that God is watching, knows that you are also as wrong as your spouse is, and has this to say:

    Matthew 5:21 You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca, ‘ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.23″Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

     

So keep blaming others for your hurting. Stay in your anger. That is definitely easier.

But know you are also wrong.

And possibly blind.

God has a better way in store for you, if you are listening.

It involves recognizing what Jesus did for us. For YOU, personally. It involves coming face to face with the sin you are in right now.

There is no such thing as, “I’m a good person.” None of us is righteous, not one.

This is all really heavy today. My heart is burdened for those who are blind and deaf. I know from my own experience, that sometimes it takes a hard smack upside the head with a 2X4 to get my attention when I’m hard-hearted and stubborn, blind and bereft. For those of you who love Him and are gently led, I’m really sorry for the verbal assault this morning. Understand that the God I know is full of love, kindness, gentleness, and pursues us because of His great love for us – His grace is sufficient for us all. I love to speak of these aspects of His character, because that’s Who He is…


And I’ve also been blind and deaf, and am now thankful for those who have loved me enough to tell me the Truth. My marriage and my family, as imperfect as we are, might shine a little light of Christ these days as a result…and I’m fully aware that it’s not ME, but Him they see if there’s anything good visible.

And I know I can’t change anyone. So I’ll leave it in His hands.

Dare you to pray for those who needed this message this morning. And please, know I’m sorry for being heavy this morning. Please forgive me for the harsh message. I’d much rather spend time dwelling on His great love for us…

Double dog dare you, if your marriage is in trouble, to book a weekend at a Smalley Marriage Intensive. SPEND THE MONEY. 85% of their couples are still going. Those are great odds!

Triple dog dare you to apologize to your God and your spouse. Don’t know how? Try this.

Thank you for the grace this morning.

Love to you,

~Nina


Comments

  1. says

    Excellent advice Nina. It is sad to see how watered down the majority of Christianity’s stance against divorce has become. You post, though bold, is spot on. Unfortunately, it is usually after the divorce that people recognize the lies for what they are.

    I did want to comment on one point in your #4, where I disagree just slightly. I believe that as we grow closer and closer to God, we should be sinning less often. HOWEVER, the sin that we do commit, bothers us that much more because we realize the depths of our depravity without Him, and we recognize His holiness more clearly.

    Blessings on you and your ministry!

    • Nina Roesner says

      Tammy – You are right. I wasn’t clear. We sin less often overtly, in ways that most people would see as sin, but we recognize our sinful thoughts, and things that others don’t even have “on their radar” yet… Like Paul said, there are none righteous…not even one… ugh. :) Yes, He is holy, perfect, and worth striving for… :)
      THANK YOU!!! Love to you, beautiful,
      ~Nina

  2. Michelle says

    Six years ago I fought for my marriage. When my husband said that he was no longer happy being married to me I used the Bible to back me up. I knew that God does not approve of divorce. As a child of divorce, I knew that the statistics were against children of divorce, no matter how amicable the parents might remain afterwards. I was talking to a brick wall. All I heard was, “I deserve to be happy!” Eventually, I was forced to sign the divorce papers. I have since remarried, but I still feel like a failure, even though I fought with all of my heart to save my marriage. I’m humiliated to tell people that I’m divorced. I hate trying to explain to my youngest daughter why her sister has another family that is not part of her family. Like katys9blessings, I’ve also noticed the heartache that is caused when my daughter misses activities because she’s at her father’s house. She rarely gets the chance for sleepovers because when she is home we’re usually frantically playing catch up because she was gone the week before. I didn’t sign on to be a part-time mom, but it was forced on me. My child doesn’t want to be toted back and forth between families, but she wasn’t given the choice.

    Our lives will always be scarred by divorce. We might appear to be happy and “coping” on the outside, but there will always be a hidden sadness down deep that was left by the pain and rejection brought on by divorce. No matter what anyone tells you, divorce is only a temporary fix for unhappiness. Eventually, it returns two-fold.

    • Nina Roesner says

      Oh, Tonya. UGH. :) I do nothing out of anything but reverence. Am at a place in my walk where I live 100% for Him, and am embarrassed by the sin I commit by not being fully zealous of His Truths sometimes, like this morning… and yah, that’s all pride, baby.
      Sigh…
      Someday…
      I hope to be as mature as Jeremiah.

      Not there yet, but pressing on. Thanks so much for your kind words!! They spur me on and help me keep going.
      Love to you,
      Nina

  3. Pam says

    I’m in the midst of this battle right now praying for my sins to be revealed and that I will be convicted in every unhealthy habit so that my marriage can be repaired. I’m praying that my husband will be convicted in the same way and choose reconciliation and work over the easy way out. After our son died I thought, hoped that we would be the couple who would overcome the odds of a broken marriage after the death of a child. Now we live separately several states apart and my husband isn’t even willing to speak with me so all my requests go in prayer to God himself. I plead and fight daily for my marriage while I struggle to walk the tightrope of knowing that I would rather have God and his Shekinah glory in my life more than anything else. I show God his own words about marriage, love, family and restoration and ask him for his promises to be activated in our marriage and our family. I’ve been led to write article after article on the scriptures and the generalizations that have torn down our marriage so that others will learn from them . I’ve been studying the word of James in depth to learn what my walk as a Christian is supposed to look like and through tears have found so many areas that I never truly understood but God is teaching me stability through them and I am memorizing the word of James so that it NEVER departs from me and I never again become a listener of the word who does nothing. Thank you for being real and posting truth on your blog. It is encouraging even in my situation and it helps to keep me focused on God’s truth in my marriage no matter what it looks like right now.

    • Nina Roesner says

      Pam -

      I want to be just like you when I grow up.
      I’m so sorry about the loss of your son…and yet this morning, I read from “I Dare you to Live This Book,” the story of an adolescent boy’s journey of faith and his testimony. What mom would want to know that her son would die? Like the blind man born to glorify God, this woman’s son has a testimony because of his death…and yes, I admit I want something different, something “normal,” for “my” child.
      And what is God doing? And how are you responding?
      Beautifully.
      YES, James.
      Oh, James.
      You are beautiful in our Lord’s sight, Pam.
      Thank you for your encouragement today. For sharing your truth and your struggles and your pain. It’s real and it’s blessed and you didn’t waste what He gave you.
      I get it.
      Love to you, precious one…may He richly bless you as a result of your obedience.
      ~Nina

  4. says

    My heart is heavy with you my friend Nina. Though maybe moreso. I bought the lies. All of them. The world (the ones I chose to surround myself with, even Christians) told me that I was supposed to be happy, that I could have everything I want, that it was all my husbands fault and that God wanted me to be happy. My marriage was extremely painful and LONELY and the arguing/stress was hurting my children, no doubt. I did wait on xyz (for me, I waited on the divorce to be *his* idea). I thought that I tried everything, mostly because my husband was an unbeliever and would not seek any help that involved the Bible or God. I certainly believed that God didn’t want me miserable but I certainly bought the lie that God only wanted me to walk on a bed of roses in my marriage. And I signed the papers. And my kids are NOT better off. And they never will be. Their lives are forever tainted by my sins. Every single time they miss a birthday party or picnic or Sunday School party – because they were at Dad’s for the weekend – brings them pain and a reminder that they are kids of divorce.
    Nina, don’t beat yourself up, don’t believe the lie that you are naive or not helping. THIS IS TRUTH! We cannot always sit and let the world have it’s way. DIVORCE IS SIN! DIVORCE IS HURTFUL! DIVORCE BRINGS MORE PAIN! I’d scream it from a mountaintop if I thought someone would hear. Instead, I sit quietly and wait on moments to share because my children are still raw and fragile and it is their story too. Thank you for being bold.

    • Nina Roesner says

      Katy9blessings,
      You.
      Are.
      Beautiful.
      Thank you for sharing your story, His truth. It’s absolutely inspiring and touches people in ways I cannot.
      Blessings to you, dear one.

      Nina

  5. Sarah says

    Who of us doesn’t just want to love on people? Its only natural to feel that way. (Especially as a mother!) But another lie we sometimes can believe is that the only aspects of God’s character are happy and encouraging ones. We forget sometimes that God is also our Heavenly corrector. And sometimes His discipline is particularly painful. But the beauty of that painful correction is that the end result is a more beautiful spirit! (and a more beautiful marriage…and a more beautiful family life!)
    Its good to speak the truth. Nothing else will do when you are following Christ. Be thankful instead that you know the truth to speak! Many will hate your message because it stings, but if one person listens and seeks the truth, isn’t it all worthwhile?

    • Nina Roesner says

      K, Sarah.
      So thanks heaps for the <<<<>>>>> today. Felt it. And it mattered.
      You spur me on. And you are right. Find something to be thankful for, and yes, Truth is always worth being thankful for. Thanks for speaking it to me today.
      Love!
      ~Nina

  6. says

    Nina, We again stand with you in battle for marriages to survive. Your blog speaks so clearly of our selfishness. Right on! Our book The Solution for Marriages can help couples as well as equip others to become mentors for those hurting couples. Thanks for being courageous enough to write this blog today. Blessings Jeff & Glynis Murphy http://thesolutionformarriage.com

    • Nina Roesner says

      Thanks for your kind words, Jeff, but I assure you, I wept while writing it. :( But if I am called to ask others to obey Him, how can I do anything less? Sometimes obedience is painful, especially while we are learning new things. I’m learning to be bold and brave, and not to take people’s comments personally (like the ones I received on Facebook yesterday from writing about the GCB show – He had me post on their page and I got assaulted verbally a few times… and it wasn’t fun… but I learned a lot. Honestly, though, I’d rather just love on people. :)