Pass the Condemnation Please…

Perhaps the most common complaint I hear from a wife doing “The Respect Dare,” occurs after her husband does something nice for her.

She will discount the gift, act of service, or kind words, usually because there’s something imperfect about it.

“He’s just doing that because he has to.”

“He doesn’t really feel that way.”

“He’s making a last ditch effort and it’s a little too little, a little too late.”

“He could have done the dishes instead, THAT would have been helpful.”

“He knows this isn’t my favorite color.”

The “reasons” go on and on…

And what they miss is huge – 1) they are issuing judgment via criticism (and sinning, btw) and, 2) they are not encouraging their husband in his efforts (Also a sin – yes, I have references in the Bible for both of these. Let me know if you can’t find them.)

And so, if she actually verbalizes her opinion instead of being appreciative, he becomes discouraged – and quits trying.

So she’s created a self-fulfilling prophecy that will negatively impact her marriage and her husband – and herself, because when we do this, we are women who tear down their homes “with their own hands.”

In our ministry, we have a saying born out of making mistakes while learning. All of us came from secular business, so we’ve had much to learn in the way of doing ministry. The saying is this: Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly until you can get it right.

In other words, extend grace to your team mates (and your husband and kids). Show appreciation. Stop criticizing (which is passing judgment).

It has been our experience (and a common basic understanding from psychologists) that when people feel encouraged when making baby steps, they will continue moving forward. When they are judged and criticized for not meeting someone else’s standard right away, they give up.

Proverbs 8 (and a ton of other verses in the Bible) deal with this issue by showing us how our mouths should work.

Dare you today to click the link and read the whole thing. J Double-Dog-Dare you to listen to what He has to say to you this day (and maybe even comment on it).

Triple-Dog-Dare you to share about it by tweeting, emailing, or putting it on Facebook! And if you subscribe, you’ll get this daily via email.

Thankful to be on the journey with you,

~Nina

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Comments

  1. says

    “And so, if she actually verbalizes her opinion instead of being appreciative, he becomes discouraged – and quits trying.
    So she’s created a self-fulfilling prophecy that will negatively impact her marriage and her husband – and herself, because when we do this, we are women who tear down their homes “with their own hands.”

    Yes! Yes! YES! This is EXACTLY what I did for the first four years of marriage! And reinforced all the criticism and rejection my husband received from his mother – don’t bother, you’ll still be wrong.

    In our home, any effort is first appreciated. Requests come MUCH later, and at a completely unrelated discussion. This is key to raising children as well – WHY should they try to do anything when all they do is fail (in their eyes)?

    Tonight my husband made an effort to remember to bring something home for me. And left it in his car. So I had to go out and get it. In my pj’s. And thanks to YOU, Nina, I said – “Why is it in the car?” “I forgot to bring it in the house,” he said. “Oh,” I replied, “Well, thanks for bringing that home,honey!” He walked away with a kiss and smile.

    Cha Ching! That’s emotional $$ in the bank…

What do YOU think about these things today?