Need More Time?

Posted on May 22, 2012 | 10 Comments

I remember the deafening brief silence in the room after she told her story.

Our worlds rocked by the horror of what she not only endured, but rose above, not only put all of our own personal challenges into perspective, but completely shredded any notion of perfection in families.

Awed by her resolve, her bravery, and inspired by what God had done, the entire class erupted into applause, and honored her with a standing ovation.

She is the woman whose story is told in Dare 39, in The Respect Dare.

Her story of incest, rape, abortion, and hope inspired all of us in a Daughters of Sarah class.

Once in a while, someone will email us or fill out a feedback form with the cruelest comment of all, that the stories aren’t real. These are moments where I experience something I can only label as, “righteous anger.” Yes, I get angry at other times, but honestly, most of those times, my anger is SIN. But there are the above moments, the anger boils at people who should understand and don’t, who shouldn’t judge, but do. And because I knew her, because her story is worthy, I want to defend her.

Over the last four weeks, I received a few comments about Dare 39.

Normally, I’m able to sort through feedback with discernment, but after a week of criticism and personal attacks aimed at me (thanks to a controversial blog post - be sure to check the comments!!  Especially the 3rd with the link, it’s excellent), the most recent of the comments caused me pause. Asked to change the content of the dare, I began to wonder. And because the nature of the request was polite, I began seriously considering it.

I even started to doubt that I had done the right thing in the first place when I wrote it…

My resolve to obey God actually wavered.

(coincidently, our family had also fallen ill with a bug, my husband was out of country again, and I was getting little sleep, little time with God, and became distracted by physical illness and pain, and voices that were not His)

At any rate, somehow, I forgot that I adamantly experienced tons of “coincidences” and “miracles of memory” (those of you who, like me, are pushing 50 or are older know what I’m referring to here… J) and confirmations that the stories in The Respect Dare were chosen by Him.

I forgot the few hours it took to actually write the book as the stories and questions literally poured onto the pages as fast as I could type them.

I forgot the confirmations of what I felt led to do and how to do it that actually came from His Word. (Did you know that the phrase, “publish ye,” is ONLY in the King James? J)

I forgot how certain I was that it was His doing in the first place (while I was happy to take ownership over the typos and other errors).

I forgot the reverence and awe I experienced when it was finished, just in knowing that I had been a small part of something He was doing.

And I forgot the other “coincidences” and “you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me!-strange-happenings” that have the book being published by Thomas Nelson in December.

I forgot, because I spent about four days consumed and distracted, living life at the last minute, instead of by plan, with the first and most important thing of the day consistently NOT happening: spending time with Him.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly our focus changes when we lose daily time with Him. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – nothing impacts our faith journey more than daily time with Him (or the lack of it).

And I’m 100% certain that starting my day alone but with Him, studying His Word, dwelling on its Truths, focusing on His will, and listening for His instructions make those days radically different than days spent indulging in the tyranny of the urgent. It is a small sacrifice to make time for Him…it’s always so much easier to get up late and rush to wherever we’re “supposed to be.” Might I suggest that the first appointment of the day is earlier than the rest, and the most important?

Don’t really want to get up early and spend time with Him? Ask Him to help you ache for Him like Isaiah does here.

At any rate, I somehow managed to follow the Bible’s advice, and asked for suggestions from those wiser and smarter than me.

And the end result was an outpouring of support and gentle reminders of what I was supposed to do in the first place – and a very specific direction on how to help those who can’t relate or find the story disturbing. I stand back in awe at what women I’ve never met have shared with me to encourage me to leave the story in…the original woman of Dare 39 is in good company. There are many like her out there.

Sacrifices of transparency, confessions and testimonies of healing have filled my inbox in the last several days. I weep for their pain, and I celebrate their bravery, and rejoice with them at what He is doing in their lives.

Some things that happen to people are meant to be disturbing because they just are.

I can no more water down their pain than I can the testimony of the Cross. And as we become tougher as women, knowingly walking into stories of hardship and suffering, we can choose to also encounter those in the trenches that Jesus hung out with more of His confidence, His love, and His impact. And we can marvel at the tsunami-sized hope that He provides to those suffering storms of unimaginable proportions.

So yes, even though I’ve been repeatedly told that the story isn’t graphic, I am going to add a small disclaimer in the way it was suggested to me by the women who have earned the right to talk about these things, to help those who might be upset by the raw truth of their experience and pain.

But the story needs to stay.

Their ability to live, love, and forgive should inspire us all, and put our own lives into perspective. God used the woman of Dare 39 to change me, to bring me perspective on suffering, to help me realize how weak I really was, and give me hope of what was possible in me and my marriage, because of what He had done for her. He called me to an action that changed so very much in my marriage and all my other relationships – and I know He is doing the same for others, too.

And so many women who are suffering with similar issues have found a voice, healing, and hope as a result of God’s choice to put it in there. We offer supporting resources to those who want more information here. What is neat, is that even those who had negative comments about it inspired action on our part – without them, we wouldn’t have had this dialogue about Dare 39, and as a result of that discussion, we put up the resources page, and will be adding to it in the coming days. Please feel free to share your story and/or resources on the above link. One of the reasons we suffer is to provide encouragement to those enduring pain now and help them grow closer to Him. I find that so inspiring!

Dare you today to ask Him to help you spend time with Him every morning. When I first did this, He started waking me up at 5am. J He wants to be with us, wants to us to learn to hear His voice…Double-dog-dare you to share or join the conversation by commenting or click on the Isaiah link above…Triple-dog-dare you not to waste time condemning yourself (or others) for wandering away – just go do the right thing.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

(Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV)

Thank You, Father, that You are this way. Oh, Amen.

Glad to be on the journey with you – the company is awesome!

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Got Pain?, How to Avoid Divorce, Wives Trying to Get it Right

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Tired of Christians? or Just the Judgment?

Posted on May 15, 2012 | 38 Comments

News days like this last week have
caused me pause.

I tend to stay out of the political discussions because I don’t usually feel led to go there…

However…

Today I do.

And today, I am simply loving the fact that Christ said this:

And Jesus answered, “O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him here to me.”

Matthew 17:17 ESV

…and I love it simply because He sounds completely exasperated. That one sentence lets me know that He fully understands, once again, everything.

Last week, our President decided he was actually in favor of same-sex marriage. North Carolina, on the other hand, decided marriage was only between a man and a woman. Covering a completely different topic, the cover of Time Magazine showed a boy who looked like he was about 4, maybe even 5, blatantly nursing, and the cover question was, “Are You Mom Enough?” (I later found out he was just 3 years old). Regardless of one’s thoughts about breast-feeding, the cover seemed very “in your face.” I haven’t read the Time article yet, but after reading the slew of arguing going back and forth between Democrats, Republicans, Christians, and non-Christians on the same-sex marriage issue, I just don’t even want to know any more about it. I don’t even want to know.

One ray of hope shone through in the way Lisa Belkin at “Huffington Post” responded: “No, I am not ‘mom enough’. I am not Mom enough to take the bait. To accept TIME’s deliberate provocation and either get mad at this woman for what I think I know about her from this photo, or to feel inferior, or superior, or defensive, or guilty — or anything at all, if it means I am comparing myself to other mothers. I am not Mom enough to think that the debate over how to feed our youngest children — an important and nuanced conversation about nutrition, and workplace policy, and government responsibility, and gender relationships — can be boiled down to a simplistic, unrepresentative, staged photograph.“

That was a breath of fresh air, but I’m still somewhat exhausted and exasperated with our culture.

And not for the reason you might think.

I’m tired of judgment being leveled every time I turn around, and most tired of it being leveled by Christians, in the name of Christianity.

I expect non-believers to not know the truth and behave
rudely to one another. It makes me sad when those of us who claim Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior pay little, if any, attention to how our communication deeply injures others – AND, as a result, turns people away from the church.

What I want is loving dialogue by people who truly “love the sinner” – and stop disowning members of their own families over choices they make, and spewing mean, judgmental words at each other. I watched a viral video on Youtube this week about a pastor, whose words were about as injurious as they could be. How he was perceived probably wasn’t how he meant to be, but unfortunately, he chose to rant and blame – on camera. And I understand fully what it is to say and do the wrong thing, but some of us make a habit of speaking about things when we are emotionally charged instead of having the rule of NOT speaking when emotional – and then we do tons of damage.

How does the love of Christ, who spoke gently, lovingly to sinners, escape us?

I wonder if it’s not pride. We’re too busy judging others.

I’m tired of Christians pointing fingers and accusing others of sin, meanwhile breaking all the rules in Matthew 18 about how to resolve conflict (go to the person who has sinned against you), gossiping, spreading dissention, and stirring up others, when they haven’t even been sinned against personally… I’m tired of people throwing around accusations and expecting others to be perfect, and when they aren’t, getting out their axes, like the witch hunts of days gone by.

I’m also tired of thin-skinned people who are too sensitive to other’s communications and take statements too personally, thinking everything is about them. The pop-psychology of “I feel bad, therefore, someone (other than me) is responsible,” (and insert, “must pay”) is too prevalent. We need to toughen up. How on earth can we connect with people who aren’t perfectly pretty and put together (like most people, yes most people) if we are appalled by ugliness?  This life is messy.  We need to be okay with trudging around in the slop of it.  We aren’t any cleaner.  Our hearts are just as much of a mess, but we buy the lies of the culture that we’re somehow better than others, when all we really have is blessed hope and an assurance that we should be sharing.

Sin is ugly, all the time. Whether it comes in a “pretty person package” or not, it’s still sin. My nasty cutting remark to my husband due to a lack of patience is as ugly as the drug addict’s last fix, or the thief’s last job, or the glutton’s last binge. I’m no better than anyone else (and neither are you) just because I walk through a church door on Sunday morning.

Where’s the torch?

I’m also tired of Christians who spend most of their time going around and “rebuking” one another, usually with judgmental and hurtful language. And before someone starts slinging mean words at me, too, yes, I have been taught and have read in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin. But I have also done a little research. I’ve learned a few things that have led me to the same conclusion with couples in marriage, the same problem that we face as a culture, the same starter and non-starter of dialogue that damages: judgment. Too many of these folks claim that homosexuals aren’t Christian at all.  How can they judge this?  Who am I to determine one sin is more heinous than another?  Last time I checked, sin was sin in God’s eyes… and I would think the ultimate act of judgment comes from condemning someone to hell for a particular sin.  There’s only one “unforgivable sin” and that is blaspheming the Holy Spirit – given that there’s a ton of debate on what that even is, I’d hesitate to level judgment about someone else’s salvation when they experience God in similar ways as we heterosexuals claim to… Unfortunately, this particular sin bothers some of us so much that we deem these folks as completely unworthy of any kind of contribution.  We forget that God loves them just as much as He loves us, and that Christ’s blood purifies them before God just like It does for us and the little white lies, laziness, gluttony, etc. (the list is long)… Good is good, regardless of who demonstrates the goodness – our young adults can see this, and the blinding judgment they see within us “older” is sending them out the church doors in droves. 

I realize I may have just turned a number of you off… suggesting that homosexuals actually could be worth learning something from… I’m probably not worth listening to, either, as I’m as big a sinner as they come, thankful for God’s saving grace, thankful for relationship with the Savior Himself, but imperfect as the next guy. 

But meanwhile, what are the homosexual Christians doing? They’re choosing to disagree even with each other, but in a fully loving way. When is the last time you disagreed over something that was as important to you as your sexual identity in the profoundly kind way these folks are discussing different beliefs? If you are in the camp that negates their faith completely, you might want to read this guy’s thoughts. They’re articulate, compelling, and non-judgmental. Even if you don’t agree with the position, we have to fully respect the way in which they carry the conversation.

What if that hymn, “They will know we are Christians by our love,” is represented here? Or are we only supposed to behave lovingly towards certain types of people?

I don’t know about you, but the moment I think I know better than someone else and have the perfect answer for their life, particularly their salvation, well, that’s also sin: PRIDE.

One of my sons, the other day, made a rather profound statement – he said, “Christians could learn a lot about grace from the gay community – I’ve never seen anyone demonstrate so much grace and acceptance of others…well, other than Jesus.” Sometimes I get emails from concerned people who don’t even know me who follow him on Twitter or Facebook – they let me know about some “character” he’s “friends” with… Given that both of my boys want to reach the lost and actively choose to be in relationship with them, yes, they are going to have some “questionable characters” on their friends lists. One person even went so far as to suggest that I should be concerned about my reputation because of them and who they associate with.

Last time I checked, Christ hung out primarily with the disciples, yes, but also tons of sinners.

Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.

Know the hypocrites. They are us.

And we wonder why we’re losing our youth from the faith? More on that here. They’re not buying the pious pride performance. They want something authentic and real. They know we’re all a bunch of sinners saved by grace. They’re tired of the parade of perfection.

And they’re tired of judgment.

Even Christ didn’t come to judge the world, but came rather that we might have life and have it abundantly.

The bottom line for me is simple. Whether we are in a marriage relationship, parenting, dealing with a friend, one of your children’s friends, or just the people in our culture, know this: We can’t do the job of the Holy Spirit. We need to stay out of His way. Love and pray for the people who are on the journey with us, but be careful about choosing confrontation. We need to put more energy into our own relationship with Christ, and know Him so well, that when someone asks us a question (because they are in relationship with us and trust us) we’ll know if the Holy Spirit wants to use us… and we need to remember He might not – but if He does, it’s likely He’s encouraging us to take our friend to the Word.

Dare you to not be judgmental today.  Dare you to remember that is also a sin, and creates distance between people, and destroys any opportunity for witnessing. Double dog dare you actually check a few of the links above and choose to see people in a different way.

***Note added 5/22/12 – please see the comment below.  Here’s the link of the original event, not sure how long it will be up as it was last weekend:  http://deeperliving.info/ 

Thankful for the journey.

Love to you,

~Nina


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Posted in Got Conflict??, Got Pain?, Growing Spiritually, How to Avoid Divorce

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Got Expectations?

Posted on May 10, 2012 | 11 Comments

Some would say I bought the “wrong” dog.

My friend, the dog trainer, would say I got “the dog I needed.”

I certainly didn’t get the dog I wanted.

Sigh.

My dream was a dog just like my other dog. A friend of our family, gentle, sweet, protective, fabulous running companion, best of all…OBEDIENT.

Instead, I got a high-energy, gentle, sweet, hyperactive, friendly dingbat dog that thinks she’s a gazelle half the time and is NOT nearly as consistently obedient as I want…and requires more patience than I can muster sometimes. I literally found myself being angry at her – when she was just doing what she’s been bred to do, and doing it at the age she is with the limited experience she has. And sometimes, I feel like giving up on her completely, after 5 months of consistent training. But I haven’t done EVERYTHING the way the trainer suggested, nor have I done it as OFTEN as I was supposed to… so yeah, this is my own fault. She IS wired to be more difficult than our beloved Daisy, however. Bleh.

And I thought I was actually pretty patient as a person, and while I can recognize the seriously great work God has done in my life in this area, I recognize as well that I still have LARGE room for improvement.

So.

When I look at my marriage, I also see that stark contrast. I didn’t get the husband of my dreams (you know, the one inspired by the Leo DiCaprio’s of the 70′s and 80′s) but rather, I got a nice smart cute guy who was just trying to do what he’d been raised to do, doing it at the maturity level he was/is, with the limited experience he had/has.

And 20+ years in, our marriage is starting to reflect Christ and His relationship with His church, only because we’ve BOTH grown up some, and because I’ve stopped trying to turn him into someone else. Actually, we’re better friends now and our marriage is better now than it was when we were first together (you know that six month twitter pated period of hormonal delusion that wears off when reality sets in? J).

And he calls me last night, just to suggest that he takes us out for dinner, because even though he got 4 hours of sleep a night all week and has been working his tail off, he doesn’t even mention this, but rather, doesn’t want ME to have to deal with dinner, because he knows I’m going to be exhausted from the day I had (that’s another story).

And that’s the best part – knowing and being known by a great friend, released from the expectation of delighting me, because that is God’s hole to fill (and only when I find delight in Him and obey His Word with a heart bent on living my life for the Audience of One) and I can RELAX in my marriage and just enjoy the journey.

And now he does things like dump the kids at home and takes me on an ice-cream date… LOVE this. J

And I nearly destroyed this opportunity about 15 years ago.

Know two things: 1) It’s not the guy you married (you, like me, got what you NEEDED), and 2) with God, ALL things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose – so. Don’t. Give. Up.

I realize when I write about my dog and the horses, not as many people are inspired. I apologize for that, but know I write what He gives me. I pray you can see His teaching in the midst of every aspect of your life – He’s always speaking! We just don’t listen all the time.

At any rate, I’m glad we’re on the journey together, glad you are here.

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Growing Spiritually, How to Avoid Divorce, That Guy We Journey With

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Got Questions?

Posted on May 8, 2012 | 18 Comments

When I asked God the other day what I should do over the summer, He fairly clearly responded with leading me. I know I’m supposed to do a follow up “study guide” for the books we use in Daughters of Sarah and post them here for the gals whose small groups are continuing on… and then I started wondering about “questions.”

So I asked Him if He wanted me to entertain questions, even though I might not have the answers, but in an effort to really help wives in a different way. SO, of course, yesterday AND the day before, I started receiving questions about respect and being a godly wife via email.

I don’t believe in coincidences.

So, in an effort to get His Truth out there, and spur you on in the most helpful way possible, we’re going to open things up. The rest of this week, I’ll be collecting questions. You can post them anonymously here, or you can send them via email at Information (at) GreaterImpact.org .

And if you are a wise wife, someone of Titus 2 caliber, we’re going to ask you to feel free to share your experiences and Scripture (always be sure to share the Scripture!) as we join hands on this part of the path.

Because I don’t pretend to have all the answers. J Sometimes, He has me just facilitate the discussion. Sometimes He shares a nugget to pass along (Jeremiah 33:2,3). Regardless, let’s get to it! We’ll start posting responses next week.

Thanks for being on the journey with me. I love your company!

Love to you,

~Nina

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Posted in Got Pain?, How to Avoid Divorce, Kids & Parenting, MAD Men (aka, "Angry Husbands"), That Guy We Journey With, Wives Trying to Get it Right

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